The Egg And I
Hello World,
Crunch! Everyone knows that if they're supposed to be ready for the arrival of the jolly old elf in the red suit, and they're not, then this is what is called "crunch time" and they'd better get cracking and quick. Around here, we've already lit two candles on our Advent wreath, and are coming up hard and fast on the third one, so that tells you right away that there's not much time left for all of you stragglers out there. Although I don't mind saying, there are years when I would welcome the invention of the "wreath stretcher" that would add in at least a couple of extra candles and give us all a little bit more time to get ready for the big day. But I always say, Christmas comes on the 25th whether everyone is ready for it or not, so there's nothing to do but grin and bear it. Garcon, more eggnog, if you please!
One thing we're not hearing a lot of complaints about around here is the weather, which continues to be unseasonably warm for this late in the year, with temperatures in the 50s and 60s day after day. (You would think this was a sure indication that my bird bath heater is working, but I'm sure that's not the case.) In fact, at CVS tonight after dinner, I found myself in the antacids aisle with a young lady wearing flip-flops, which I admit I don't expect to see in December. Of course, everyone knows that I always say when people do their Christmas shopping in shorts and shirtsleeves, we can count on blizzards in April, because that's just the perverse nature of weather these days. Speaking of perverse weather, it reminds me of when we were at the Cousins Hootenanny in September, and the meteorologist on the local radio station described the current conditions in the area as "sunny with dense fog." I'm telling you, you just can't make this stuff up.
Last week, I was enjoying a small package of cookies at work, and noticed for the first time the greeting on the back of the package from the friendly folks at Kraft and their fine family of foods. As Dave Barry would say, "I'm not making this up," and you're welcome to pick up a bunch and turn them over and see for yourself. It actually says: "Indulge in the great one-of-a-kind taste that's uniquely Chips Ahoy!" Now I have to say, this is where Kraft and I part company when it comes to defining our terms. I can think of very few foods that have less of a unique, one-of-a-kind taste than chocolate chip cookies, especially the sort you get in a supermarket in small foil packages. How they could claim in good conscience, and with a straight face (and one supposes, without irony) that Chips Ahoy has anything unique or one-of-a-kind about it is entirely beyond my comprehension, and believe me, I've got plenty. I understand that they want to print something on their package to encourage people to buy and enjoy their snacks, but for heaven's sake, you can't just go overboard and run away with yourself, using words like unique and one-of-a-kind indiscriminately. This is sort of like the VitaSoy people inviting us to enjoy their Holly Nog, which they claim has the traditional good taste of holiday eggnog, while being more healthy and organic. Well, you could consider this traditional except for the part about having no eggs, no milk, no cream and being completely dairy-free, lactose-free and gluten-free. To my way of thinking, once you've gone that far afield, you no longer have the right to use the term "traditional" in any sense, and that's not just the eggnog talking, either.
Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am woefully out of touch, and I realized how much last week, when I found that the only news I get is from the spam filler they use on the junk email we get at work. The message starts out looking like an opportunity for investment advice or herbal supplements, but then shows its true colors by turning into nothing but paragraphs of gobbledygook and mis-matched content all squashed together randomly. Farther down, it wraps up with some snippets from the AP news service, and if you're out of touch like me, you find yourself paraphrasing NBC and saying, "It's news to me." So I found out some things I didn't know about the Supreme Court ruling on a tobacco lawsuit, a fire at a group home in Missouri, Kofi Annan's comments about Iraq at the United Nations, a truck driver attempting unsuccessfully to smuggle illegal aliens across the border, a neighborhood brouhaha over a controversial Christmas wreath in Denver, and a Justice Department investigation into the government's warrantless surveillance program. My favorite was this entry, as it appeared in its entirety:
======================================
WEST HEBRON, New York (AP) --
From the broad porch of his 200-year-old farmhouse, author Jon Katz gazed over an idyllic scene of hills and valley, one border collie lolling at his feet and two others pacing restlessly nearby.
======================================
Well, if the AP considers that news, I have to say, I'm all for it. Speaking of our computers at work, have the system messages gotten any less illiterate lately? Let's take a look, shall we?
==========================================
attention all user:
please sign offyour terminales
any jobs still activw will br terminated immeidately
we will b econducting our daily saves
users still on the system will beterminated
the save willtake approxiamately 30 minutes
Please donot try to sign back on.
Thank You for your CO-Operation.
attention all usres:
Please sign off oyur terminalsby 6:15pm.
wew ill bw performing ourdaily backups at that time
Our Backups are about to begin at that time.
THANK YOU FOP YOUR COOPERATION
any users still active will be terminated immedately.
please all users sign off your terminlas
anyjobs still acive will be immeditly terminated
PLEASE SIGN OF YOUR TERMINALS
we will be preforming our dayly backups
any user still active will be terniated immeidately
you MUST sign off your terminals for this job to run succesfully
the scheduled downtimeis 20 minutes
ALL JOBS ATILL ACTIVE BY THIS TIME WILL BE TERMINATED
ALL JOBS THAT ARE STILL BY THIS TIME WILL BE TERMINATED
can you please sign off your termials immiedtaly
we will be peforming our daily backups
YOR JOBS WILL BE TERNINATED
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COPERATION
==========================================
Well, as they say in Hollywood, "Don't give up your day job." Although personally, I appreciate being thanked for my "coperation," which I suppose is some new psycho-babble jargon that describes a person "coping with desperation," or some other such New Age paradigm. And you know me, when it comes to New Age, I'll take two tickets to paradigm, if you please. Plus a chaser of eggnog, and away we go!
Crunch! Everyone knows that if they're supposed to be ready for the arrival of the jolly old elf in the red suit, and they're not, then this is what is called "crunch time" and they'd better get cracking and quick. Around here, we've already lit two candles on our Advent wreath, and are coming up hard and fast on the third one, so that tells you right away that there's not much time left for all of you stragglers out there. Although I don't mind saying, there are years when I would welcome the invention of the "wreath stretcher" that would add in at least a couple of extra candles and give us all a little bit more time to get ready for the big day. But I always say, Christmas comes on the 25th whether everyone is ready for it or not, so there's nothing to do but grin and bear it. Garcon, more eggnog, if you please!
One thing we're not hearing a lot of complaints about around here is the weather, which continues to be unseasonably warm for this late in the year, with temperatures in the 50s and 60s day after day. (You would think this was a sure indication that my bird bath heater is working, but I'm sure that's not the case.) In fact, at CVS tonight after dinner, I found myself in the antacids aisle with a young lady wearing flip-flops, which I admit I don't expect to see in December. Of course, everyone knows that I always say when people do their Christmas shopping in shorts and shirtsleeves, we can count on blizzards in April, because that's just the perverse nature of weather these days. Speaking of perverse weather, it reminds me of when we were at the Cousins Hootenanny in September, and the meteorologist on the local radio station described the current conditions in the area as "sunny with dense fog." I'm telling you, you just can't make this stuff up.
Last week, I was enjoying a small package of cookies at work, and noticed for the first time the greeting on the back of the package from the friendly folks at Kraft and their fine family of foods. As Dave Barry would say, "I'm not making this up," and you're welcome to pick up a bunch and turn them over and see for yourself. It actually says: "Indulge in the great one-of-a-kind taste that's uniquely Chips Ahoy!" Now I have to say, this is where Kraft and I part company when it comes to defining our terms. I can think of very few foods that have less of a unique, one-of-a-kind taste than chocolate chip cookies, especially the sort you get in a supermarket in small foil packages. How they could claim in good conscience, and with a straight face (and one supposes, without irony) that Chips Ahoy has anything unique or one-of-a-kind about it is entirely beyond my comprehension, and believe me, I've got plenty. I understand that they want to print something on their package to encourage people to buy and enjoy their snacks, but for heaven's sake, you can't just go overboard and run away with yourself, using words like unique and one-of-a-kind indiscriminately. This is sort of like the VitaSoy people inviting us to enjoy their Holly Nog, which they claim has the traditional good taste of holiday eggnog, while being more healthy and organic. Well, you could consider this traditional except for the part about having no eggs, no milk, no cream and being completely dairy-free, lactose-free and gluten-free. To my way of thinking, once you've gone that far afield, you no longer have the right to use the term "traditional" in any sense, and that's not just the eggnog talking, either.
Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am woefully out of touch, and I realized how much last week, when I found that the only news I get is from the spam filler they use on the junk email we get at work. The message starts out looking like an opportunity for investment advice or herbal supplements, but then shows its true colors by turning into nothing but paragraphs of gobbledygook and mis-matched content all squashed together randomly. Farther down, it wraps up with some snippets from the AP news service, and if you're out of touch like me, you find yourself paraphrasing NBC and saying, "It's news to me." So I found out some things I didn't know about the Supreme Court ruling on a tobacco lawsuit, a fire at a group home in Missouri, Kofi Annan's comments about Iraq at the United Nations, a truck driver attempting unsuccessfully to smuggle illegal aliens across the border, a neighborhood brouhaha over a controversial Christmas wreath in Denver, and a Justice Department investigation into the government's warrantless surveillance program. My favorite was this entry, as it appeared in its entirety:
======================================
WEST HEBRON, New York (AP) --
From the broad porch of his 200-year-old farmhouse, author Jon Katz gazed over an idyllic scene of hills and valley, one border collie lolling at his feet and two others pacing restlessly nearby.
======================================
Well, if the AP considers that news, I have to say, I'm all for it. Speaking of our computers at work, have the system messages gotten any less illiterate lately? Let's take a look, shall we?
==========================================
attention all user:
please sign offyour terminales
any jobs still activw will br terminated immeidately
we will b econducting our daily saves
users still on the system will beterminated
the save willtake approxiamately 30 minutes
Please donot try to sign back on.
Thank You for your CO-Operation.
attention all usres:
Please sign off oyur terminalsby 6:15pm.
wew ill bw performing ourdaily backups at that time
Our Backups are about to begin at that time.
THANK YOU FOP YOUR COOPERATION
any users still active will be terminated immedately.
please all users sign off your terminlas
anyjobs still acive will be immeditly terminated
PLEASE SIGN OF YOUR TERMINALS
we will be preforming our dayly backups
any user still active will be terniated immeidately
you MUST sign off your terminals for this job to run succesfully
the scheduled downtimeis 20 minutes
ALL JOBS ATILL ACTIVE BY THIS TIME WILL BE TERMINATED
ALL JOBS THAT ARE STILL BY THIS TIME WILL BE TERMINATED
can you please sign off your termials immiedtaly
we will be peforming our daily backups
YOR JOBS WILL BE TERNINATED
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COPERATION
==========================================
Well, as they say in Hollywood, "Don't give up your day job." Although personally, I appreciate being thanked for my "coperation," which I suppose is some new psycho-babble jargon that describes a person "coping with desperation," or some other such New Age paradigm. And you know me, when it comes to New Age, I'll take two tickets to paradigm, if you please. Plus a chaser of eggnog, and away we go!
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 7:41 PM
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