The Devil Made Me Do It
Hello World,
Well, the time has finally come when we can wish a very Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers out there, and for everyone else who may not technically be a mother, remember: "They also serve who only stand and cheer." So if Sunday doesn't find you surrounded by loved ones and heaped with presents and accolades, then this might be the day for you to be the cheering section instead, and recognize the accomplishments of the mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins and other worthy maternal figures in your life. As a word of caution, I can highly recommend that you do not take the advice of your cats when picking an appropriate Mother's Day gift, or the poor woman will be stuck with catnip toys and fish heads. No, cats may have many fine qualities, but you can believe me when I say that their fingers are not on the pulse of the American mother when it comes to gifts, no matter what they may tell you to the contrary. You're better off sticking with the tried and true at a time like this, and I hear that flowers are very popular for the occasion.
Speaking of flowers, the unpredictable spring weather would not seem conducive to garden delights, but apparently the flowers are made of sterner stuff than the weather can throw at them. The white muscari, which are later than the regular grape, are just beginning to open, and even the wood hyacinths in assorted pale shades. There's bleeding heart coming up in places where it doesn't even belong, while the wisteria and azaleas alike are all set to burst into bloom. Anyone who has them will tell you that the lilacs have just exploded, and I guarantee that their heady fragrance is a tonic for whatever ails you. Meanwhile, in the front yard, I spotted some tiny yellow flowers in with our colorful sea of violets, and had to give them a closer look. I know there's no such thing as yellow violets, although these were doing a pretty good imitation, and I was surprised to realize that they were the flowers you get that turn into wild strawberries, because I would have thought it was much too early for that. On the other hand, it seems to be never too early for poison ivy, and I noticed a patch of rampant mutant alien poison ivy on our top walk by the bird feeder, which is standing straight up 2-feet tall like a bush, wide out in the open as bold as brass, and just making an extremely obnoxious spectacle of itself, not to mention a very unwelcome one at that.
I had some empty planters, so Bill and I went to the store and got some impatiens, pansies, petunias and marigolds, for different areas of the yard. What I like about planters is that I can put flowers in places where they can't be planted, like on the front porch or the steps, where it helps to have a spot of color. They also work better than planting in uneven areas with bad drainage, or where the ground is so hard that nothing wants to grow, except of course, our ubiquitous poison ivy and dandelions. While I was at it, I also picked up a couple of mini roses, which I always enjoy having, although they can be fussy about being neglected and are not always the most realistic choice for me. They weren't blooming when I got them, and they had no identifying information with them, so it should be interesting to see what color they turn out to be. So far, everything seems to be doing well, and the juvenile delinquent squirrels haven't even dug them out of the containers and scattered them around the place.
Try as I might, I could not talk myself out of another rosebush for the top walk, so I got one of those as well. I lugged it up the steps and left it reluctantly in the spot that I wish I didn't have to, but unfortunately can only describe as "the rosebush graveyard." It doesn't seem to be a bad area, and in fact, rosebushes on either side of it seem to do okay, but the plain fact of the matter is that this would be the sixth rosebush that I'm putting in the same place, so that tells you something right there. I finally wised up and bought this Rainbow Knockout rose in a bucket from our friends at Wild Star Gardens, and I decided to put the bucket where I want it, and just leave it like that. I figure if every rosebush that I put there is going to die, there's no sense for me to keep digging holes for them each time. What I really need is for someone to develop a poison ivy rose, or maybe a dandelion bush, which at least I know would do well in our yard when all else fails.
I may be over-sensitive to this sort of thing, but when I was clearing out my Spam folder recently, one of the messages really jumped out at me, as it was from "k.m.j. @ ifiend.net" offering me some fabulous discount on something or other. It made me wonder how anyone could have thought that "ifiend" would be the right name for them, which would attract customers and make them want to do business with the, er, fiends at ifiend. Frankly, that name would make me want to run in the opposite direction, and I would rather cut off my arm than give out my credit card information to a place called ifiend, for heaven's sake. I mean, it doesn't take a whole suitcase full of brains to figure out that if you want people to accept you as a legitimate business that they can trust and shop with confidence, then you can't possibly call yourself ifiend, and think that it's not going to create exactly the wrong impression from what you're trying to promote. I'm thinking this name only works if you're the online source for fire and brimstone, tridents, horns and cloven hooves, and while I don't know what sort of market there is for these items, I have the feeling that all the discounts in the world are not going to help you.
Speaking of help, while I hate to complain about the updated version of AOL 9.0 VR, I found that sometimes even a new and improved feature can turn into a little too much of a good thing. In my note last week, I was trying to replicate a subject line from some junk email that was full of typos, and the problem was that as I typed the words in incorrectly, the auto spell-check feature in the new AOL went right along after me and did its thing, by automatically correcting them for me. No, no, no -- bad AOL! It seemed that nothing I did would make it stop changing "disconuts" to "discounts" or "popluar" to "popular," and I tried every trick in the book that had worked for me in other programs. I didn't want to turn off the feature completely, because it really is very handy, but it certainly made me long for the days when you could count on help to be not so much of a hindrance. Get thee behind me, ifiend.
On the topic of stumbling blocks, I suppose this is as good a place as any to relate this next item. The pastor of my church said that he had a request for a copy of his sermon for Ascension Day on Sunday, so he sent it to all of us as an attachment to his email. I wrote back to thank him, and said that I was glad to have it handy, in case I had trouble sleeping. It should be obvious to anyone that I am headed straight to you-know-where, and in a hand-basket no less. You'll probably be hearing from me next at ifiend.net.
Meanwhile, on the local sports scene, there is certainly no joy in Mudville, as the Rangers were eliminated from the second round of the playoffs in five games. In our house, the only one who is glad about this is our TiVo, which now has a lot of extra space to record programs that it likes, such as The Barefoot Contessa and Super Password, that we refuse to watch. The way things are going in the playoffs, I can't see the NHL and media bigwigs being all that delirious with a final round that pits Detroit against Pittsburgh, which would not have the ratings potential of a more marketable match-up like the Rangers and Boston, or even Los Angeles. Of course, this is the NHL, where the ratings are measured in microns anyway, and anything above a negative number is cause for celebration.
Another nasty surprise that snuck up on us, and will be going into effect on Monday morning, is the new first-class postage rates, which will be a staggering 42c for regular envelopes, and I don't mind saying, no thank you very much not. It was a good thing I found out just before I bought more stamps, or I'd be stuck with 200 stamps at the wrong rate, and have to go chasing after a bunch of 1c stamps before I could mail anything. In fact, I will probably have to do that anyway, because I just uncovered an old stash of a hundred 37c stamps, believe it or not, and while I have plenty of 2c stamps already (from when postage went from 39c to 41c it seems like only recently) unfortunately there's no way to get from 37c to 42c without a 1c stamp in there somewhere. Bill, naturally, is immune to the vicissitudes of postage fluctuations, because he buys the Liberty Bell "forever" stamps, and they are always valid regardless of the rate changes. After this last bit of postal folderol, I can see where that idea has a lot to recommend it, and it's only because I know they would discontinue the option as soon as I got on board with it, so I consider it my civic duty not to buy them, in order to preserve this advantage for the rest of humanity. You're welcome.
Here's a note from an alert reader about an idea whose time may or may not have come:
=======================
Have beenfixing up the kitchen cabinets by putting pull-outracks in so we can get to stuff that has been pushedto the back and not seen for years. Now we can seeit, get to it, and push it back for a few more years. Love Home Depot.
=======================
Say, I think she may really be on to something there. Although after a while, it may look a little bit more like the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari rather than Home Depot, and that's no joke. Speaking of horror movies, I didn't really think that I was having such a tough week, all things considered, until I realized when I came back from lunch today that I had never combed my hair before I went to work in the morning. Yipes! I won't say that this was exactly the "Bride of Frankenstein" look that would make people flee in terror from the sight, but it was certainly not the well-coiffed style that we strive for around here. Oh well, I suppose that things can always be worse, and I ought to know. Or perhaps that's just the ifiend talking.
Well, the time has finally come when we can wish a very Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers out there, and for everyone else who may not technically be a mother, remember: "They also serve who only stand and cheer." So if Sunday doesn't find you surrounded by loved ones and heaped with presents and accolades, then this might be the day for you to be the cheering section instead, and recognize the accomplishments of the mothers, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins and other worthy maternal figures in your life. As a word of caution, I can highly recommend that you do not take the advice of your cats when picking an appropriate Mother's Day gift, or the poor woman will be stuck with catnip toys and fish heads. No, cats may have many fine qualities, but you can believe me when I say that their fingers are not on the pulse of the American mother when it comes to gifts, no matter what they may tell you to the contrary. You're better off sticking with the tried and true at a time like this, and I hear that flowers are very popular for the occasion.
Speaking of flowers, the unpredictable spring weather would not seem conducive to garden delights, but apparently the flowers are made of sterner stuff than the weather can throw at them. The white muscari, which are later than the regular grape, are just beginning to open, and even the wood hyacinths in assorted pale shades. There's bleeding heart coming up in places where it doesn't even belong, while the wisteria and azaleas alike are all set to burst into bloom. Anyone who has them will tell you that the lilacs have just exploded, and I guarantee that their heady fragrance is a tonic for whatever ails you. Meanwhile, in the front yard, I spotted some tiny yellow flowers in with our colorful sea of violets, and had to give them a closer look. I know there's no such thing as yellow violets, although these were doing a pretty good imitation, and I was surprised to realize that they were the flowers you get that turn into wild strawberries, because I would have thought it was much too early for that. On the other hand, it seems to be never too early for poison ivy, and I noticed a patch of rampant mutant alien poison ivy on our top walk by the bird feeder, which is standing straight up 2-feet tall like a bush, wide out in the open as bold as brass, and just making an extremely obnoxious spectacle of itself, not to mention a very unwelcome one at that.
I had some empty planters, so Bill and I went to the store and got some impatiens, pansies, petunias and marigolds, for different areas of the yard. What I like about planters is that I can put flowers in places where they can't be planted, like on the front porch or the steps, where it helps to have a spot of color. They also work better than planting in uneven areas with bad drainage, or where the ground is so hard that nothing wants to grow, except of course, our ubiquitous poison ivy and dandelions. While I was at it, I also picked up a couple of mini roses, which I always enjoy having, although they can be fussy about being neglected and are not always the most realistic choice for me. They weren't blooming when I got them, and they had no identifying information with them, so it should be interesting to see what color they turn out to be. So far, everything seems to be doing well, and the juvenile delinquent squirrels haven't even dug them out of the containers and scattered them around the place.
Try as I might, I could not talk myself out of another rosebush for the top walk, so I got one of those as well. I lugged it up the steps and left it reluctantly in the spot that I wish I didn't have to, but unfortunately can only describe as "the rosebush graveyard." It doesn't seem to be a bad area, and in fact, rosebushes on either side of it seem to do okay, but the plain fact of the matter is that this would be the sixth rosebush that I'm putting in the same place, so that tells you something right there. I finally wised up and bought this Rainbow Knockout rose in a bucket from our friends at Wild Star Gardens, and I decided to put the bucket where I want it, and just leave it like that. I figure if every rosebush that I put there is going to die, there's no sense for me to keep digging holes for them each time. What I really need is for someone to develop a poison ivy rose, or maybe a dandelion bush, which at least I know would do well in our yard when all else fails.
I may be over-sensitive to this sort of thing, but when I was clearing out my Spam folder recently, one of the messages really jumped out at me, as it was from "k.m.j. @ ifiend.net" offering me some fabulous discount on something or other. It made me wonder how anyone could have thought that "ifiend" would be the right name for them, which would attract customers and make them want to do business with the, er, fiends at ifiend. Frankly, that name would make me want to run in the opposite direction, and I would rather cut off my arm than give out my credit card information to a place called ifiend, for heaven's sake. I mean, it doesn't take a whole suitcase full of brains to figure out that if you want people to accept you as a legitimate business that they can trust and shop with confidence, then you can't possibly call yourself ifiend, and think that it's not going to create exactly the wrong impression from what you're trying to promote. I'm thinking this name only works if you're the online source for fire and brimstone, tridents, horns and cloven hooves, and while I don't know what sort of market there is for these items, I have the feeling that all the discounts in the world are not going to help you.
Speaking of help, while I hate to complain about the updated version of AOL 9.0 VR, I found that sometimes even a new and improved feature can turn into a little too much of a good thing. In my note last week, I was trying to replicate a subject line from some junk email that was full of typos, and the problem was that as I typed the words in incorrectly, the auto spell-check feature in the new AOL went right along after me and did its thing, by automatically correcting them for me. No, no, no -- bad AOL! It seemed that nothing I did would make it stop changing "disconuts" to "discounts" or "popluar" to "popular," and I tried every trick in the book that had worked for me in other programs. I didn't want to turn off the feature completely, because it really is very handy, but it certainly made me long for the days when you could count on help to be not so much of a hindrance. Get thee behind me, ifiend.
On the topic of stumbling blocks, I suppose this is as good a place as any to relate this next item. The pastor of my church said that he had a request for a copy of his sermon for Ascension Day on Sunday, so he sent it to all of us as an attachment to his email. I wrote back to thank him, and said that I was glad to have it handy, in case I had trouble sleeping. It should be obvious to anyone that I am headed straight to you-know-where, and in a hand-basket no less. You'll probably be hearing from me next at ifiend.net.
Meanwhile, on the local sports scene, there is certainly no joy in Mudville, as the Rangers were eliminated from the second round of the playoffs in five games. In our house, the only one who is glad about this is our TiVo, which now has a lot of extra space to record programs that it likes, such as The Barefoot Contessa and Super Password, that we refuse to watch. The way things are going in the playoffs, I can't see the NHL and media bigwigs being all that delirious with a final round that pits Detroit against Pittsburgh, which would not have the ratings potential of a more marketable match-up like the Rangers and Boston, or even Los Angeles. Of course, this is the NHL, where the ratings are measured in microns anyway, and anything above a negative number is cause for celebration.
Another nasty surprise that snuck up on us, and will be going into effect on Monday morning, is the new first-class postage rates, which will be a staggering 42c for regular envelopes, and I don't mind saying, no thank you very much not. It was a good thing I found out just before I bought more stamps, or I'd be stuck with 200 stamps at the wrong rate, and have to go chasing after a bunch of 1c stamps before I could mail anything. In fact, I will probably have to do that anyway, because I just uncovered an old stash of a hundred 37c stamps, believe it or not, and while I have plenty of 2c stamps already (from when postage went from 39c to 41c it seems like only recently) unfortunately there's no way to get from 37c to 42c without a 1c stamp in there somewhere. Bill, naturally, is immune to the vicissitudes of postage fluctuations, because he buys the Liberty Bell "forever" stamps, and they are always valid regardless of the rate changes. After this last bit of postal folderol, I can see where that idea has a lot to recommend it, and it's only because I know they would discontinue the option as soon as I got on board with it, so I consider it my civic duty not to buy them, in order to preserve this advantage for the rest of humanity. You're welcome.
Here's a note from an alert reader about an idea whose time may or may not have come:
=======================
Have beenfixing up the kitchen cabinets by putting pull-outracks in so we can get to stuff that has been pushedto the back and not seen for years. Now we can seeit, get to it, and push it back for a few more years. Love Home Depot.
=======================
Say, I think she may really be on to something there. Although after a while, it may look a little bit more like the Cabinet of Dr. Caligari rather than Home Depot, and that's no joke. Speaking of horror movies, I didn't really think that I was having such a tough week, all things considered, until I realized when I came back from lunch today that I had never combed my hair before I went to work in the morning. Yipes! I won't say that this was exactly the "Bride of Frankenstein" look that would make people flee in terror from the sight, but it was certainly not the well-coiffed style that we strive for around here. Oh well, I suppose that things can always be worse, and I ought to know. Or perhaps that's just the ifiend talking.
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 8:54 PM
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