East Meets West

Hello World, Happy Hanukkah! Or in the immortal words of Adam Sandler, "Put on your yarmulke, it's time for Hanukkah! So much fun-i-ca, to celebrate Hanukkah!" Of course, it's all too easy to scoff at holiday doggerel of this sort - although when it comes to doggerel, it would be hard to top the king of scoffers, as the dinosaurs and I remember how the inimitable Steve Allen would invite audiences to "drink in the poetry of these lyrics," and then bring down the house with his deadpan reading of the words to some wacky pop tune like "Be Bop A Lula, She's My Baby." But I have to give The Sand-Man credit because, let's face it, it can't be easy to come up with a whole song (or several) full of rhymes for Hanukkah, of all things, from the tried-and-true "Veronica" and "harmonica," to the more offbeat "gin-and-tonic-a," "supersonic-a" and "hooked-on-phonic-a," which a whole temple full of Catskills comics probably would not have thought of in a month of Sabbaths, oy veh. I think even Steve Allen would have to admit that takes a lot of chutzpah, and that's not just the latkes talking, believe me. Also noteworthy at this time of year, the football season continues apace, with mixed results, and a cursory glance at the standings shows more than a few woeful records that are certainly not what the home-town faithful might have hoped for. In fact, the wailing and gnashing of teeth in cities like Philadelphia, Miami and Oakland must be of epic proportions, especially with the season too far gone by now for any sort of turn-around to make a significant difference at this point. These are the times that try men's souls indeed, and we all know that time and tide wait for no man, and besides which, no man is an island, especially my man Friday. It's at times like these that a person can't help but think of Beth Thornley's hit single "Wash U Clean," with its classic line: "If you've got a match, I've got the gasoline." That sound you hear is the hopes and dreams of long-suffering fans being shot down in flames, and the new year will not be bringing a bright and shiny Vince Lombardi trophy their way, however many rivers of team color paint they may have sloshed all over themselves up to now. Football may be a game of inches, but you'd better fasten your seatbelt, because it can be a long way down. Fourth down, that is. Fortunately for local sports fans eager to escape the pigskin punishment, they need look no further than the fledgling basketball season, where the surprising Knicks have roared out to a 14-4 record out of the gate, and that's without the services of Amar'e Stoudemire, who is still recovering from a knee injury. (Now, my personal feeling is that if the team can go 14-4 without him, then there's really not much incentive for bringing him back, and thanks anyway, Amar'e.) Even the plucky Nets have posted a respectable 11-7 record so far, suggesting that a meaningful inter-borough rivalry, like the Yankees and Mets, might soon be in the offing. Long-time hoops fans will remember the original New York Nets starting up with the ABA in 1967, playing their games at the Nassau Coliseum, along with the New York Islanders hockey club. The ABA was absorbed by the NBA in 1976, and the Coliseum lost half its tenants when the senior franchise was lured away to the Meadowlands in the swamps of East Rutherford (with the football Jets and Giants) and became the New Jersey Nets instead. Things stayed that way for 35 years, until the spanking new Barclays Center burst upon the scene this year, the team jumped ship once again, and are now the darlings of Kings County as the new and improved Brooklyn Nets. The move seems to suit them so far, especially compared to their pitiful 22-44 record last year, plus look at all the extra money they can make, selling the Brooklyn Bridge to visiting teams. One good thing is that even if their season spirals out of control and they stink up the joint, at least nobody can call them "Dem Bums," because that deceptively gruff appellation will forever belong to the Boys of Summer from Ebbets Field, the storied Dodgers of yore. When it comes to Brooklyn teams, those old-time Dodgers may have been rather short in stature by today's standards, but these new-fangled Nets still have some pretty big shoes to fill, Dr. J. And while we're on the subject of sports, I will be the first to admit that geography is not my strong suit, and apparently it's not the NBA management's either - or perhaps like New Math, we've entered the modern era of New Geography, where locations are relative, and nothing is where you think it is. I believe it would come as a (perhaps unwelcome) surprise to the residents of the Windy City and Motown, that in the NBA at least, they consider the Eastern Conference to consist of such mid-western stalwarts as Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, Indianapolis and Milwaukee, of all places. Meanwhile in the wild and woolly West of the NBA's imagination, you will find the likes of Memphis, Minneapolis, New Orleans and Oklahoma City, at least two of which aren't any farther west than St. Louis, which under the guidelines of the Old Geography, had the distinction of being "The Gateway to the West" - although admittedly, this was before the NBA got their hands on it. I don't know about everyone else, but for me, this begs the question that if there was a professional basketball team in St. Louis itself, if the NBA would consider it East or West, or throw their collective hands up in despair and just move it to another city. I hear the East Rutherford swamps are very nice this time of year. In other news, alert readers may remember our new Hurricane-Sandy-causing television set (with apologies to millions of affected residents in the tri-state area) which among its many fine qualities, is not only HD, but fully 3-D capable, and even comes with its own handy 3-D glasses for your viewing pleasure. The gift elves also brought us a snazzy new Blu-Ray player, which is also HD and 3-D capable, and this is all well and good, providing that you can find the HD and 3-D content to enjoy on it. Most of what falls into this category are choices that we would not be interested in watching, such as the latest horror movies, violent action films, extreme nature documentaries, and inane children's programs. The remaining selection is woefully limited, and it's a wonder that we could come up with anything at all. (But I will say that one of the most enchanting things about looking for 3-D movies is that they make the packaging with 3-D covers, so the characters seem to leap out at you right from the box.) We finally settled on "The Pirates!" animated comedy, which we had seen in previews the last time we were at the movie theater, and thought it might not be so bad after all. It features the vocal talents of Hugh Grant, Martin Freeman, Salma Hayek, and Jeremy Piven, with guest appearances by Queen Victoria and Charles Darwin tossed in for good measure. The story is somewhat slapdash, but all in good fun, and the spunky crew's comic misadventures have moments of genuine hilarity along the way. It's a bumpy but entertaining ride, and it certainly never lags, while the 3-D effects are nothing short of spectacular. So that was our adventure on the high seas, and happy to recommend it for anyone who wants to put their HD and 3-D to the test. Of course, if it was a geography test, we already know that the NBA would fail it, and that's not just a lot of longitude and latitude, believe me. Elle