Football Follies

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, and Children of All Ages - Now here, of course, as everyone knows by now, on Friday is when I would be spouting some gibberish like "Beware the Ides of October," or "Happy Columbus Day," or some such other hackneyed claptrap, I shouldn't wonder. However, I have taken some days off from work lately, and have no idea what day of the week it is, much less the date, I can assure you. Sitting in for me this week is the late and lamented Andy Griffith, and the midway point of the gridiron season is the perfect time for his classic 1953 observations on the sport of pumpkins. I guess I should just let him go ahead and explain that in his own words. ==================================== WHAT IT WAS, WAS FOOTBALL ~ by Andy Griffith (C) 1953 “It was back last October, I believe it was. We was going to hold a tent service off at this college town, and we got there about dinner time on Saturday. Different ones of us thought that we ought to get us a mouthful to eat before we set up the tent. So we got off the truck and followed this little bunch of people through this small little bitty patch of woods there, and we came up on a big sign that says, “Get something to Eat Here.” “I went up and got me two hot dogs and a big orange drink, and before I could take a mouthful of that food, this whole raft of people come up around me and got me to where I couldn’t eat nothing, they did, up like, and I dropped my big orange drink. Well, friends, they commenced to move, and there weren’t so much that I could do but move with them. “Well, we commenced to go throught all kinds of doors and gates and I don’t know what- all, and I looked up over one of ‘em and it says, “North Gate.” We kept on a-going through there, and pretty soon we come up on a young boy and he says, “Ticket, please.” And I says, “Friend, I don’t have a ticket; I don’t even know where it is that I’m a-going!” I didn't! "Well," he says, “Come on out as quick as you can.” And I says, “I’ll do ‘er; I’ll turn right around the first chance I get.” “Well, we kept on a-moving through there, and pretty soon everybody got where it was that they was a-going, because they parted and I could see pretty good. Yes, they did. And what I seen was this whole raft of people a-sittin’ on these two banks and a-lookin at one another across this pretty little green cow pasture. “Somebody had took and drawed white lines all over it and drove posts in it, and I don’t know what- all, and I looked down there and I seen five or six convicts a running up and down and a-blowing whistles. It's true. And then I looked down there and I seen these pretty girls wearin’ these little bitty short dresses and a-dancing around, and so I thought I’d sit down and see what it was that was a-going to happen. “About the time I got set down good I looked down there and I seen thirty or forty men come a-runnin’ out of one end of a great big outhouse down there, yes they did, and everybody where I was a-settin’ got up and hollered! And I asked this fella that was a sittin’ beside of me, “Friend, what is it that they’re a-hollerin’ for?” Well, he whopped me on the back and he says, “Buddy, have a drink!” I says, “Well, I believe I will have another big orange.” I got it and set back down. “When I got there again I seen that the men had got in two little bitty bunches down there real close together, and they voted. Yes, they did. They elected one man apiece, and them two men come out in the middle of that cow pasture and shook hands like they hadn’t seen one another in a long time. Then a convict came over to where they was a-standin’, and he took out a quarter and they commenced to odd man right there! Yes, they did, right out there in the open, like. After a while I seen what it was they was odd-manning for. It was that both bunchesfull of them wanted this funny lookin little pumpkin to play with. And I know, friends, that they couldn’t eat it because they kicked it the whole evenin’ and it never busted. “Both bunchesful wanted that thing. Yes, they did. One bunch got it and it made the other bunch just as mad as they could be! Friends, I seen that evenin’ the awfulest fight that I ever have seen in all my life!! They would run at one -another and kick one- another and throw one another down and stomp on one another and grind their feet in one another and I don’t know what- all and just as fast as one of ‘em would get hurt, they’d take him off and run another one on!! “Well, they done that as long as I set there, but pretty soon this boy that had said “Ticket, please.” He come up to me and said, “Friend, you’re gonna have to leave because it is that you don’t have a ticket.” And I says, “Well, all right.” And I got up and left. “I don’t know friends, to this day, what it was that they was a doin’ down there, but I have studied about it. Yes, I have. I think it was that it’s some kindly of a contest where they see which bunchful of them men can take that pumpkin and run from one end of that cow pasture to the other without getting’ knocked down or steppin’ in somethin’.”

Song of the South

Hello World, Happy October! It's amazing how you can just go along on your own merry way, minding your own bees-wax, as they say, and suddenly you look up and the year is just about over already. The days are shorter, the air is cooler, and just like clockwork, the peregrine falcons have left on their annual migration back to Bolivia for the winter. Anyone with nebulous costume ideas, but nothing actually in hand, would have reason for worry, and not much time to rectify the situation at this rate. Obviously the peregrine falcons have the right idea, leaving the pressures of costume planning behind them, as they wing their way to the sunny south, before the annual fright-fest even rolls around. Heck, they probably don't even celebrate Halloween in Bolivia, for all I know. I guess that would explain the lack of demand for peregrine falcon-sized costumes, and that's not just the candy corn talking, by golly. Also noteworthy in October, the baseball playoffs continue apace, already with disappointed fans in several cities, as the winning teams move out of the first round and into the second, on that long and bumpy road to the World Series. Hockey is just starting to get underway, although that didn't stop Philadelphia from firing their coach already, after the team lost their first 3 games, thanks not. This is the first season with re-alignment and a revamped schedule compared to previous years, that may turn out to be just as much of a story as the wins and losses. In fact, a cursory glance at the standings from the Eastern Conference's Atlantic Division, where a normally intelligent person might expect to find the likes of such eastern seaboard stalwarts as the New York Rangers, New Jersey Devils, New York Islanders and Carolina Hurricanes, would be perplexed to find them nowhere in sight - and centuries of intrepid explorers and map-makers even more so, no doubt. In spite of the mighty ocean lapping at their very shores on a constant basis, these clubs have been relegated to the Metropolitan Division (whatever that means) while the Atlantic contingent includes such cities as Detroit, Ottawa and Buffalo, which have never set eyes on their division's watery namesake. It's true that Albert Einstein theorized that time is relative, however I doubt that he would have felt the same about geography, I dare say. In other sports-related disasters, it goes without saying that the surprisingly woeful Giants never expected to open their season 0-6, that's for sure, and the only question remains whether there's enough left of the season for them to attempt turning things around at this late date, or if that's even possible. In the city that never sleeps, you can count on plenty of criticism leveled at all of the players, notably their quarterback, leading the league in interceptions, and the rest of the offense, scaling new heights in turn-overs, and thank you so very much not. This bad-mouthing didn't sit well with their coach, who made his feelings clear in a story in the local Sports section, with this arresting headline: ================== Coughlin defects blame to himself ================== Of course, we all know by now that the spell-checker is not going to help you in a case such as this, where you use a perfectly fine (but wrong) word like "defects" instead of "deflects" which is certainly what they meant. I have no reason to suspect that coach Coughlin has any intention of defecting to another country, just because his misbegotten players are stinking up the joint - which is no mean feat, in a stadium that is located in the swamps of New Jersey to start with, I might add. On the other hand, a person can't help but wonder if the headline writer was making a bit of editorial comment, and not-quite-inadvertently using "defect" not in the "escaping to a foreign country" sense, but rather as a term for "flaw or imperfection." There's certainly no denying that the Giants are defective, in fact, their defects are so numerous and wide-ranging, that defecting to another country might be their only hope at this point. I hear that Bolivia is very nice this time of year, surely they must have swamps where football would be a welcome diversion. Speaking of diversions, alert readers may recall a previous note about the burgeoning trend in fake eyelashes, eyeliner and mustaches that you can buy to outfit your car, as if people didn't already have enough ridiculous ways to waste money as it is. Never one to pass up a burning issue, here we have Bill weighing in on the subject: ================= Gosh, ya gotta love that whole Carbie setup! (The Miss Carbie Pageant could feature Carbie raters, oof!) The way it stands now, we have OODLES of nudist parking lots and even brushless massage parlors (featuring Bikini Wax). Heck, they'll even put an Armor-All shine on your shoes, if you like. Those who have the money can cruise to Staten Island. Tow trucks will be outfitted in scrubs. Car carriers will need maternity clothes. There's a whole new world of extravagances we could annoy the terrorists with. After all, we can't seem to do anything else to cut them down to size. ================= I think he may be on to something there, and we all know how I can't help but worry when things like this start to make perfect sense to me. Earlier in the year, we had been to the movies and saw previews of an upcoming animated feature that seemed interesting enough, if in a silly way. We didn't go out when it was released to see it in the cinema, but in our continuing efforts to scout out 3-D media for our big screen TV, we decided to give it a try on DVD. Despite seeing previews for it on more than one occasion, it seems that we had learned absolutely nothing about it, except that it was called "Wreck-it Ralph" and it was in 3-D, so that was all that mattered to us. It turned out to be much more entertaining than we expected, and very well done, with 3-D effects that were eye-popping. The voice cast was not exactly blockbuster (although some like Jane Lynch and Jack McBrayer fairly well-known from television) and without big names to draw audiences in, it was going to have to stand or fall on its own merits. The film is set in the world of arcade games, and the writers did an inspired job of inventing imaginary games to stand alongside genuine classics like Super Mario Brothers, Pac-Man and Frogger. After the arcade closes, the characters in the games go home to their families, or socialize with characters in other games, or like the movie's beleaguered title character, Wreck-it Ralph himself, attempt to improve their lot in life - and because this is a comedy, with hilariously unexpected consequences. The plot is cleverly concocted, and sprinkled with twists and turns along the way, and enough sight gags, puns and in-jokes to really keep you on your toes. It even has a happy ending, which is our #1 criteria for a good movie, and minds its manners when it comes to violence, language, and adult situations. It's true that we probably never would have seen it, if not for the dearth of 3-D programming as a whole, but we were glad we did, and enjoyed a fun evening with a feel-good message. Heck, I think even the peregrine falcons would have liked it, that is, if they hadn't already flown south for the winter. At least we can all hope that they flew south following their traditional flyway routes, and not the cockamamie New Geography of the NHL, in which case I expect they would wind up just outside of the Reykjavik Art Museum in Iceland - thanks to re-alignment, now in the Central Division of the Western Conference, I shouldn't wonder. Elle

Sun Spots

Hello World, And so here we are, back safe and sound from another adventure, still in one piece and none the worse for wear, which is always the very best way to travel. It all began months ago, when one of Bill's favorite performers, Vienna Teng (and please do feel free to go ahead and visit her web site at www.viennateng.com and see for yourself) went on tour in support of her new album, "AIMS," in various towns and cities over a wide area. One of the dates fell right in our backyard, as it were, at the Mohegan Sun casino on the Indian reservation in Uncasville, Connecticut, and we wouldn't have missed it for the world. Now that we had already been to Foxwoods, the other Indian casino in The Nutmeg State, we thought it would be especially interesting to see the differences and similarities between the two, and how they stack up against each other in assorted categories. Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets. So off we went on Thursday morning, into the wilds, where the trees were just starting to turn, and the highway skirts the lovely Thames River, with views that were delightful to behold. It takes under 2 hours to get there, and although the traffic was heavier than we expected, it rarely got bogged down. When we arrived, we were too early to check into the hotel, and it was past our lunchtime, so we scouted around for meal options, and immediately discovered the first of many differences between the two locations. Foxwoods is bigger, and has a walkway around the perimeter - with many attractions, such as shops, restaurants and entertainment venues - while the actual gambling takes place in separate areas with restricted access to keep out minors or troublemakers. By contrast, Mohegan Sun is a whole mish-mash of everything all thrown together in one sort of lumpy area, and you basically have to walk right through the middle of all the gaming activities, in order to get anywhere. You could spend an entire day at Foxwoods and never know it was a casino, except for some slot machines here and there, while at Mohegan Sun, all of their games are right in front of your face, and around you on every side, no matter where you go. Also, because of their walkway, after you've been at Foxwoods for a while, you have enough of a feel for it that you can pretty much find your way around on your own, by remembering landmarks and paying attention to the signs. That's out of the question at Mohegan Sun, where after 2 days, and in spite of their brochure's map and numerous directories on the floor, we could never get a handle on where we were, or how to get from one place to another. Personally, I couldn't understand why they didn't assign Sherpas to all of the guests upon their arrival, to keep them from aimlessly wandering around in a stupor, but Bill said that was the wrong kind of Indians anyway. By some miracle, we managed to find our way to the hotel, which was a good thing, because unlike Foxwoods with its choice of hotels, at Mohegan Sun, there is only the one, and you either find it somehow, or sleep on the floor. Our room on the 18th floor had a gorgeous view, and while I won't describe it as palatial, it was easily one of the nicest rooms we've ever stayed in anywhere, and the bathroom was worth it all by its (enormous) self, believe me. Our evening's entertainment was taking place in the Wolf Den, one of several big and small venues at the place (Foxwoods also has several, very similar in that regard) and we decided that we should go find our way there ahead of time, so we would know how to get there and not be late. This was important because shows in the Wolf Den are free, but seating is limited, so we had our work cut out for us. After exhausting our own resources, and much outside help (they actually have booths called "Lost Guest," instead of "Information," which should tell you something right there) we nailed it down, and left a trail of breadcrumbs back to the hotel lobby, just in case. Then it was off to check out the pool and spa, and ever more differences cropping up along the way. At Mohegan Sun, all hotel guests can use the indoor pool and hot tub, with inviting outdoor patio, with a charge for spa services such as sauna, massage or beauty treatments. There is no indoor pool at Foxwoods, but you can pay for the spa, which is well worth it as one of the most indulgent experiences you will ever have in your whole life. The spa at Mohegan Sun was Spartan in comparison, and we were disappointed that they were already booked up for the entire afternoon and evening, so our pampering was going to have to wait for the next day. After that, we turned our attention to dinner options, but became so hopelessly engulfed in the labyrinthine chaos that we finally gave it up as a lost cause, and just went back to the Wolf Den to wait for the show to start. Next time, I would definitely bring my own Sherpas and be done with it. Bill gave the concert high marks, and the intimate setting was much more appealing than their cavernous 10,000 seat arena - although it must be said that the slot machines going off on all sides created a distraction that in no way enhanced the performances, I can tell you that. The meet-and-greet afterwards was a special treat for fans, and Bill has the pictures to prove it. We left the Wolf Den at a different spot than we had entered, and stumbled right into Bobby's Burger Palace (this is a casual dining adjunct to Bobby Flay's Bar Americain, its pricier counterpart upstairs) and their griddled cheese sandwiches, milkshakes and onion rings are not to be missed, if you find one in your area. After a long and hectic day, we were ready to turn in, and while I'm happy to say that the hotel was nice and quiet, I can assure you that it would not have made one bit of difference to me, that's for sure. I don't know what it would have taken to keep me awake, but if the hotel was still standing, I certainly would have slept right through it. In the morning we ordered room service, as we had also at Foxwoods, and it arrived promptly and piping hot, although not exactly the nectar of the gods that we might have hoped. Then we jumped into our swimsuits for a splash in the pool, and even better the hot tub, which was a relaxing interlude that was just what the doctor ordered. We went our separate ways at the spa, with Bill signing up for a massage, and I settled in for a mani-pedi - which was so badly overdue that I expected the manicurist to flee in terror at the sight of my forlorn and raggedy nails, but fortunately she was made of sterner stuff, and soon had them whipped into shape. Then we hit the food court for a light lunch (an innovation that would be an improvement at Foxwoods) and set off to help the local economy buying souvenirs in the shops, or know the reason why. This is really where you separate the men from the boys, and on the retail side of things, Foxwoods is full of upscale names like Rolex, Cartier, Louis Vuitton, and Gucci, while Mohegan Sun has some of that (Coach, Swarovski, Tiffany) but also many regular stores like Yankee Candle, Brookstone, Farmer's Almanac General Store and Dylan's Candy Bar, where ordinary people could buy stuff without breaking the bank or hitting it big at the slots. We're not exactly high rollers, so I guess I can't count on a commendation from the Mohegan Tribal Authority, but they certainly made up in shopping what they didn't get from us gambling, and that's not just the fire water talking, kemo sabe. By the time we packed it in and hit the road, it was getting dark and sprinkling a bit, but we managed to reach Denny's in West Haven without any trouble or traffic along the way. We made it home without incident, and even better, it was only Friday night, and we still had the weekend in front of us to relax and unwind after our adventures. In retrospect, I thought the two resorts would be more alike, or that one would be significantly better than the other, but that turned out not to be the case. They were more dissimilar than I expected, and both have their good points (the spa and food at Foxwoods, the room and shopping at Mohegan Sun) as well as areas for improvement, and no clear winner overall. I'm betting that if anybody builds a third casino out there, combining the best elements of both, it's going to be a killer - but I'm going to call ahead and make sure they have Sherpas, just to be on the safe side. Elle