On The House

Hello World, Happy September! In the local area, we've finally had a few days with 90 degree temperatures, which we didn't through the entire summer, now that it's September, thanks not. Odd weather. Speaking of odd, now is normally the time when I would be wishing everyone a very happy Jewish New Year (or "Kung Pow Bok Choy," as they say in the Chinatown district of Jerusalem, I think) but it turns out that would be wildly premature, since due to one of those random calendar peculiarities (personally, I blame those darned Druids) Rosh Hashanah will not actually happen until the very end of the month - when often it's check-by-jowl with Labor Day itself - and Yom Kippur has been unceremoniously shanghaied all the way back to the trackless wastes of October, for heaven's sake. I always say, this is what comes of having movable feasts, you give them an inch, and they take a mile. Of course, that would be 5,775 miles in the Jewish calendar, while in the Chinese calendar, it would be The Year of the Kilometer instead. As for the darned Druids, don't even get me started on Stonehenge, I dare say. And speaking of the time being out of joint, especially with the thermometer and humidity finally starting to feel like summer around here, it was with no small amount of surprise (and here, consternation would not be too strong a word) that we greeted the promotional announcement on MSG network for the upcoming professional ice hockey season, of all things. Yes, they are indeed touting their "Back in Blue" coverage of the New York Rangers for the loyalists and die-hards throughout the region, with the first televised pre-season game on September 22 - and which, as Bill pointed out, is basically right around the corner at this point. Naturally, we want to wish them well, as they embark on a shiny new season bursting with promise, and spreading out before them like a dazzling carpet of glittering stars, and no storm clouds gathering on the horizon of their undimmed visions of success. Although admittedly, it's a little hard to get in the spirit of the thing, when the sweltering conditions inspire dreams of pools, lemonade, hammocks, and watermelon, and the Zamboni is about the farthest thing from our minds, by golly. On the other hand, and happening right on time, Labor Day weekend came and went, giving us all a chance to honor the memory of Samuel L. Gompers and countless labor organizers before and since, whose tireless efforts on behalf of down-trodden workers introduced so many of the benefits and protections that everyone takes for granted nowadays. It was one last time for The Flag Brigade to run up the colors upstairs and downstairs, including the old ratty New York State flag from time out of mind, since I couldn't get a replacement for it at the fair the previous weekend, and also the naked flagpole with no decorative patriotic finial at the top, which was another quest that turned into more of a wild goose chase than I was expecting - and I don't mind saying that I have an awful lot of experience with chasing wild geese, believe you me, as my mother used to say. The good news is that the flags did go out and come back in again, right on schedule, with no problem, and which is not something that we can always count on with the rather addle-pated Flag Brigade, and that's putting it mildly. On the downside, frankly, I think poor old Mr. Gompers would be nothing short of aghast to see what has become of the employment situation these days, when ordinary people are faced with working long hours, odd shifts, holidays, weekends, and even in the middle of the night, all to satisfy the demands of a non-stop consumer culture run amok in the land. So if you did not have the opportunity to rest from your labors in the proletarian spirit of the long holiday weekend, I hope at least that you got out there to shop 'til you drop, and the President's economic advisers thank you, I'm sure. And while we're on the subject of the federal government, only the petty and captious would complain about the supreme leader of this great nation (or POTUS, as they refer to him in media shorthand - which is "President of the United States" for the rest of us dinosaurs, and you know who you are) touching down in this area last weekend to attend a couple of high-priced fund-raisers, as well as a sumptuous celebrity wedding. Needless to say, this snarled traffic and caused widespread headaches on all sides, making it almost impossible to conduct routine business or get around on the local streets, as the security precautions surrounding the Leader of the Free World were understandably enormous and rigorous, I shouldn't wonder. Luckily it was only for two days, but for anyone who got caught in the cross-hairs (that admittedly was a poor choice of words under the circumstances) it was a nightmare that would make no one want to start a fan club for the Chief Executive, and that's not just the presidential seals squawking, by jingo. Even worse, which you would think could not be remotely possible, the newspaper reported that the (after 2016) former First Family was actually looking for a house in New Rochelle, which has traditionally been renowned for its sophistication, history, diversity, educational excellence, and suburban charm, while still being, as the song goes, "only 45 minutes from Broadway." I said to Bill that with our luck, they would decide to buy the vacant house next to us (very alert readers will recall the exploits of Cinna-Mooch the famous feline freeloader, whose family skulked out of the neighborhood in the dark of night 2 years ago and their property has been abandoned ever since) which I expect would turn into a disaster of epic proportion, and I say that on the basis of no political partisanship whatsoever. I mean, between the KGB agents monitoring my email (whose name is legion, heaven knows) and then the shadowy cadre of Secret Service agents underfoot at all hours of the day and night, this would be just what we need, thanks so very much not. I can't help but feeling that somewhere the evil spirit of Affirmed is hard at work behind the scenes here, and don't try to convince me otherwise. Also in the spirit of friendly persuasion, there was a front-page story in the local paper about staying safe in the face of summertime hazards, such as sun exposure, heat, allergies, dangerous insects, and plants that should be avoided. Of course, they brought up biting insects such as ticks and wasps, and the media darling of the moment, the dreaded Asian tiger mosquito, which is not only invasive, but transmits a host of viruses in its path. But, they were careful to point out, we should also be on the lookout for what they referred to as the "common house mosquito." Excuse me??? What the heck would be a house mosquito, as if this was just another environment where they have adapted to, and have taken up residence, like termites. I'm pretty sure that the mosquito has been around since the dinosaurs and I were still splashing around in the primordial ooze among the vast unformed land masses of prehistoric eons, and they certainly didn't develop an affinity for houses in their formative years - or at least the first 15 billion years or so, that is. And unlike prehistoric dogs, cats, horses, and hamsters, I reject out of hand the notion that our ancestors came along and domesticated the wild mosquito, so that they can no longer live by themselves in the great outdoors, but instead must be cosseted in our very abodes, like pampered pets or unwanted relatives. Heck, you may as well go ahead and distinguish pachyderms as the Asian elephant, the Indian elephant, and the common house elephant, for all the sense that makes. It's simply preposterous on the face of it, and I will not countenance such absurdities in the name of spurious science being foisted on an unsuspecting public, and I ought to know. Actually, I'm not really worried about it, in fact, I thought of a way that I could put it to good use and turn it to my advantage. When the President's real estate agent comes around to look at the house next door, I plan to have a big sign in the front yard that says: "TESTING LABORATORY FOR COMMON HOUSE MOSQUITO," and I figure that should do it. Take that, Affirmed! Elle