Dry Ice

Hello World, Happy (slightly belated) Presidents Day! Of course, Monday was the day set aside by virtue of federal fiat, to honor the memory and legacy of all the American presidents through the ages - good and bad, uniquely distinctive or completely forgettable, fulsomely long-serving or fleetingly brief, revered for generations or hounded out of office in disgrace - and there's nothing like a three-day weekend to make anything more popular, even if it's a majority of presidents that nobody likes. Not so fast! It turns out this was another one of those occasions that was not considered a holiday where I'm working as a temp now, and not just Martin Luther King, so when it comes to disrespecting celebrated figures by ignoring their very own federal holidays, these people cast a pretty wide net, I must say. In retrospect, it's a wonder that they gave us the day off for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's, and I probably should have quit then while I was ahead, and not stuck working on the next two holidays, as if these were some random and arbitrary non-events like National Potato Chip Day, or Talk Like A Pirate Day, for heaven's sake. I doubt that the legendary civil rights leader, much less the Chief Executives, would like to consider their very own days to be optional, but apparently things are different in the real world, where as the saying goes, it's not personal, it's just business. Speaking of work, I don't mind saying that it's been a challenge getting there in this ridiculous weather, between the ongoing snow and the ice, so that you take your life in your hands on the roads, and some days, we take the coward's way out and just stay home instead. It's also true that this relentlessly frigid weather wreaks havoc on my skin, especially on my poor hard-working hands, which seem to be in and out of water all day long, and each time just getting more and more dried out until they just start to crack and bleed, thanks not. When I worked at the hospital, as you went around the campus there were always tiny bottles of Keri Lotion everywhere that were given out to the patients, so people could get a moisturizing hit whenever they needed one, no matter where they were. At my temp job (which coincidentally is run by a licensed nurse) they helpfully provide hand lotion dispensers in the restrooms, which is very thoughtful and much appreciated, I'm sure. One bitterly cold day last week, when my hands were so bad that I was actually bleeding on the file folders in the storage room, I decided to give their lotion a try, rather than resorting to wearing gloves on the job so I could better keep my bodily fluids to myself, as it were. Most likely, their particular lotion of choice was popular and cost-effective, but I couldn't help but notice that it seemed to smell like weed-killer, which in no way would encourage me to use it more often, that's for sure. I didn't notice that it did much for my skin, but it certainly kept the dandelions at bay, by golly. In fact, I'm thinking of bringing some home and trying it on my rampant alien mutant poison ivy in the spring, and see if it would either eradicate it completely, or make it nicely smooth and supple instead. Of course, the previous Saturday was Valentine's Day, a special time long beloved by florists, jewelers, confectioners, and lingerie peddlers, as well as restaurateurs who can charge whatever they like, to create just the right romantic atmosphere for happy couples out on the town. Cynics among us (and you know who you are) or simply those with an implacably practical outlook, can hold off until the day after, and snap up all the fragrant roses, sparkly baubles, skimpy underthings, and heart-shaped sweets that anyone could possibly want, and all at rock-bottom discounted prices, once the calendar says that the time for darling Cupid and his arrows has come and gone. This year, in an interesting juxtaposition, the festival day of St. Valentine coincided with our neighbors' famous Mardi Gras party, a rollicking shindig which they always toss on the Saturday before Shrove Tuesday, and for which the whole neighborhood turns out in force - past, present, and a few perhaps from the future that nobody even knows. They begin the elaborate decorations weeks ahead of time, and the copious menu is days in preparation, so that you can smell the tantalizing aroma of gumbo, jambalaya, risotto, ratatouille, baguettes, and souffles for blocks in every direction. Almost everyone shows up with an extravagant mask, or a costume, and I'm sure it will come as a surprise to nobody that the gallant Christopher Columbus, in all his velvety glory and plumed hat, set sail from our household shores and arrived at his party destination with no trouble along the way. The intrepid explorer was certainly popular, although I was called Shakespeare once, and Michelangelo as well, in spite of carrying a brass telescope with me at all times. Alas, costume appreciation is a lost art, as I know only too well after years of trick-or-treating around the employer of last resort. But a good time was had by all, the company was congenial, and everything was delicious - or perhaps it just seemed that way after enough Hurricane Punch, I shouldn't wonder. Luckily, Columbus made it home again in one piece and lived to tell the tale, complete with telescope and not even a dent in his plumed hat. There was no talk of recognizing this accomplishment with a holiday, which was probably just as well. Now, everyone except the godless Communists and KGB agents monitoring my email (whose name is legion, heaven knows) understands that once Mardi Gras is in the books, as sure as night follows day, Ash Wednesday crops up hard on its heels, and no escaping Lent in all of its gloomy trappings. Taken objectively, Lent would have to be considered a public relations nightmare, as stalwart Christians everywhere give up their favorite vices for the duration, and don't even get me started on mandatory warning signs to protect unwary bystanders. (That reminds me of a church in Dobbs Ferry that was performing drive-thru imposition of ashes in their parking lot as a service to the time-starved community, where the minister would make the sign of the cross in ashes on the motorists' foreheads through the windows of their cars, and which I can't help but feel brings new meaning to the phrase "sign and drive," that is, if you think about it for a minute or two.) I personally think the season would be much improved with vast quantities of tequila, green beer, fireworks and party hats, and that's not just the confetti talking, believe me. We had our Ash Wednesday service at church in the evening, and a pretty good turnout in spite of the weather, which it must be said, at least fit right in with the spirit of suffering embodied by the occasion, if nothing else. And while we're on the subject of church, it was a few weeks ago on the church calendar that we observed the baptism of Jesus, as described in the Scriptures, and took advantage of the opportunity to include the Affirmation of Baptism ritual as part of the regular Sunday worship. As a result of our initiative to keep the participants from juggling different hymnals, bulletins, inserts and assorted whatnot during the service, we have the liturgy displayed on a projector screen in the front of the church, so people can follow along with their hands free, and know exactly what to say, or sing, at every point where a response from them is required. This works like a charm, so that even first-time visitors know what to expect at any given moment, and can hold their own with the confidence of any old-timer from way back, for Pete's sake. This is especially useful when you want to make changes to the liturgy on an ad hoc basis, by adding or removing elements, or switching them around in different order temporarily. Adding in the Affirmation of Baptism is a perfect example of how the projector system provides limitless flexibility to change the service, while still keeping everyone informed of what is going on. At least, that's the way it's supposed to work, and for the most part, it does just that, thanks to the heroic effort that it takes to have all of the right slides in the right places at the right time, and which doesn't happen all by itself, not by a long shot. Unfortunately, this became all too clear when the minister let fly with this righteously bombastic barb to launch the Affirmation segment: "Do you renounce all the forces of evil, the devil, and all of his empty promises?" It was at this critical juncture that the usually reliable but over-burdened minion who assembles the projector slides for the service neglected to include one with a response for this, so after the pastor's opening salvo, all the befuddled congregation could do was stand there in helpless silence, with their mouths open and eagerly waiting to speak, but no idea what words they were supposed to be saying. (In their defense, it's usually something formal and complicated, like "I will, by the grace of God," or "I promise, and I ask God to help and guide me." For the record, the correct response in this case was a simple "I do.") Our old friends the dinosaurs can tell you that I'm easily amused, but I thought it was so funny that you could ask a routine question about renouncing the devil to a church full of life-long Christians, and they would find it impossible to formulate an answer on their own, even unsure to just say "yes" without prompting. Oh well, I guess that's why they say the devil's in the details, but under the circumstances, I'm prepared to let that slide. Elle

TV Dinner

Hello World, Happy Friday the 13th! The bad thing about having a Friday the 13th in February, particularly for the superstitious among us (and you know who you are) is that you're practically guaranteed to have another one, basically right around the corner, in March. That's because, except for Leap Years, the days of the week that you have in March are exactly the same as the ones you just had in February, so if you didn't like Friday the 13th the first time around, you're certainly not going to think much of it rearing its ugly head again a scant 28 days later, I dare say. Normally I would consider myself blissfully immune to the effects of the unlucky day, but this time around, I had a dreadful day at work, and even jinxed them at the diner, where I not only dropped my dirty utensils all over their carpet, but in a textbook example of the contagion of suggestible thinking, you could plainly hear the crashing of plates and cookware by the staff on all sides. Since this was my first offense of this nature, I don't expect them to actually ban us from their premises like the Pizzeria Uno brouhaha of yore, but it certainly didn't endear us to them in any way, that's for sure, and I can't say that I blame them one bit. For anyone in the local area who was tired of snowstorms (and I don't mind saying that I count myself firmly among their number, believe me) the weather gods decided to exchange the flaky white stuff, as a change of pace, for endless days of arctic temperatures in the single digits and howling winds, making it feel well below zero, thanks not. In the teeth of this unwelcome onslaught, we went to the supermarket after dinner, and not surprised to see the aisles awash with St. Patrick's Day decorations, as well as a pastel explosion of Easter candy - notwithstanding that one of them is more than a month away, while the other isn't technically until April, for heaven's sake. And mind you, that's regular Easter, and not Greek Orthodox Easter, which might be even later, so those marshmallow Peeps will have plenty of time to get even more stale (if that could even be possible) in the meantime. No, the big surprise was coming inside from the bone-chilling deep freeze of the parking lot, only to be confronted (ironically, one hopes) with giant displays of beach balls, lawn furniture, patio umbrellas and suntan lotion, of all things. I will freely admit that satire is often lost on me, but under the circumstances, I still thought that was just adding insult to injury, and once again, thanks so very much not. Like millions of other TV viewers, we subscribe to the TiVo service, and enjoy its convenience and many fine features. It comes with its own remote control that works the DVR device and television, which is handy and easy to use, and I have no complaints about it. But in our family room where we relax and watch our favorite programs (which we call "the green room" because of the wall color, and not because it's so environmentally friendly) it's so dim at night that you really can't see the buttons you're trying to push on the remote, without keeping a flashlight nearby to help you out. Alas and alack, what to do, oh, what to do? [Insert image of hand-wringing housewife here.] Surprise! Manufacturers of entertainment accessories have heard the cries of an anguished populace, and responded with what I consider a brilliant innovation, which is a remote control where the buttons light up so you can see them in the dark. What won't they think of next! It doesn't stay lit all the time and drain the battery, but when you press any button, they all light up for a while so you can see what you need to see, and then they fade out again until you need it. This has been a great improvement in the quality of our viewing pleasure, so that we're not changing the channel when we're trying to adjust the volume, or hitting the fast forward by mistake when we're looking for the program guide. I thought that was about the smartest thing they ever came up with, since the invention of the remote control to start with, and I'm so glad we have one. With all due respect to flashlights, this is way better, and it goes without saying that I am unanimous in that. Now, alert readers may recall that Santa Claus brought me a Lenovo ThinkCentre Edge (one of those newfangled all-in-one models where everything is built right into the monitor and there's no separate CPU that sits around taking up space) which is wonderful in so many ways, and a joy to use. The screen is nice and bright, but like the TiVo remote, in dim lighting, the black keyboard I was using was much too hard to see, or do any actual typing with any real accuracy. I complained to Bill in a desultory manner, more out of frustration than anything else, and basically resigned myself to the way things were, and determined to make the best of a bad situation - since everyone knows that suffering builds character, and anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm nothing if not a character, by golly. And yet, once again, Surprise! Manufacturers of computer accessories, like their entertainment counterparts, have heard the anguished cries of PC users huddled in the gloom around their flickering screens, and they too have come out with lighted keyboards to save the day (or night) and make the world safe for computing in even the bleakest conditions, and I ought to know. This USB keyboard plugs right in and stays lit all the time that the computer is in use, and then goes out when the power is turned off. It was actually designed for gamers, who play in the dark so that the animated graphics are easier to see, and although I don't need it to play games with (I can burn the Library down in BookWorm, whether I can see what I'm doing or not, apparently) but it's been the ideal help for everything else I need to use it for. In fact, I'd love to stay here and use it all evening, but they say it's going to be -1 degrees overnight, so I've got to hurry out and buy some beach balls and suntan lotion, don't you know. Elle

Color My World

Hello World, Happy (belated) Martin Luther King weekend! I sincerely hope that you honored the civil rights leader's legacy by having a dream, that someday your children's children (or their artificial intelligence electronic devices) would not be judged by the color of their protective covers, but by the content of their operating systems, or something like that anyway. Historically we take advantage of the long 3-day holiday weekend to visit our friends around the Albany area for a late mini Christmas, so I was understandably disenchanted to discover that at my temporary job, it turned out that Monday was not considered a holiday, so we didn't have the day off. At least at the hospital, in spite of all of its faults, there was no question of it being a holiday, in fact, it would be safe to say that the multi-cultural campus would have erupted in riots if there had been any suggestion to the contrary. But even without the long weekend, we plunged ahead and hit the ground running on Saturday morning for the long drive to the great white north, as fast as our little pistons would carry us. Well, not quite as fast as usual, since we decided to take my little red hot rod instead, and spare the wear and tear on Bill's workhorse Neon. Since I was driving, I would have expected this hare-brained scheme to provoke the sort of apocalyptic meteorological conditions not seen since the prehistoric era on this planet, and also send blood-thirsty hordes of suicidal maniacs to smash into us at every turn, since everyone knows that red cars are a magnet for accidents, extra police scrutiny, and higher insurance rates. But none of that happened, and we arrived in one piece and none the worse for wear, which is always my favorite way to travel. Even better, I learned how to use the cruise control feature along the way, and how handy is that! We just about had time to greet our hosts and catch our breath, before we hurried out again for lunch at the locally famous 76 Diner in Latham, where the meals are a rousing success on a regular basis. We had no real plans for the weekend, so our time was pleasantly unstructured, and we took advantage of the flexibility in our schedules to do some shopping after lunch. We love going to Hewitts for their after-Christmas discounts, and we always find some special yuletide decorations that would add just the right touch to the old homestead. After that, we ambled over to Big Lots! where we had never been before, and although we didn't find the items that sent us there in the first place, we still managed to pick up some odds and ends, and glad of it. We didn't want to impose on our hosts to provide us with dinner, so we made tracks for Pizzeria Uno, where we had been once before, but that was probably more than 10 years ago. At that time, our rowdy group had caused such a ruckus that they put our pictures up by the door, with express instructions to the staff that if we ever returned, they were to keep us out at all costs - and here I'm thinking, calling up the National Guard was not out of the question. But by now we thought that they had most likely redecorated since then, and our pictures right along with it, so we figured that it was safe to go back and take our chances once more, and hope for the best. For anyone who hasn't been to Pizzeria Uno lately, they feature a new and expanded menu that's not just pizza anymore, but includes wide-ranging options like steak, seafood, pasta, salads, wraps, sandwiches and more, plus a dizzying array of beverages and desserts. Whew! We brought our appetites with us, and pounced on their individual deep-dish pan pizza, lasagna stackers, and patty melts. I zeroed in on their new 2-for-$12 menu, and came up with their deep-dish tortelloni and baked macaroni & cheese that were both so delectable that a person couldn't help but forget their manners, and if someone tried to sample a taste off your plate, you would instinctively stab them with your fork - in spite of being close family, a beloved spouse, or the President of the United States, regardless. They also have a wide variety of drinks, including their signature fruit smoothies, that are simply scrumptious, and it would be impossible to recommend them too highly, try as I might. We were glad that we decided to give them another try, and even better that we didn't have to wear our disguises to get in. And as for the President, I'm sure that fork puncture wound in his hand has probably healed by now. After dinner and some shopping, our friends seemed a bit too alert, but fortunately we had plenty of show-&-tell to bore them with, and they were soon nodding off in their seats, as could only be expected. We bid them sweet dreams and toddled off to bed ourselves, which turned out to be a whole lot closer than it usually is in our travels. Unlike our regular routine of staying in a nearby hotel (anyone familiar with the upstate area can tell you that in these environs, "nearby" refers to anything within a 50-mile radius of your present location, even if it's on the other side of a mountain and takes you 90 minutes to get there) this time our hosts very graciously welcomed us into their home, to spare us the extra cost and inconvenience of a hotel stay, and we jumped at the offer without a second thought. So when bedtime rolled around, we trundled downstairs to sleep in their spiffy new guest room, which used to be the bastion of their elaborate model train layout, and alert readers might recall was its very own Internet sensation (92 views!) with a locomotive-mounted video camera providing a "you-are-there" journey through the exhilarating winter wonderland holiday landscape, with all the sights and sounds which make that time of year so very special. (Please feel free to check it out on YouTube at Jayne and Eddie's Winter Wonderland Train Ride and see for yourself - let's see if we can't break 100 for these nice folks!) Although we missed seeing the extraordinary trains in all their painstaking detail, we found the accommodations very comfy, even with the resident cats wandering through at odd hours - and which, as the computer programmers always say, is a feature and not a bug, and we were just as glad to have them. One good thing about staying over, compared to hotels, is that you don't have to rush and pack so you can check out on time, and you can instead enjoy a leisurely breakfast of muffins, bagels and pastries (still in your pajamas if you want to) with all the relaxation you could hope for, just like civilized people in the real world. We took advantage of the extra time to do more shopping, and snapped up some bargains and souvenirs at Goodwill and Cracker Barrel, where we always enjoy seeing what's new, or what's old, or what's interesting, that we hadn't seen before. Of course, the Governor's economic advisers are always happy to thank us for improving the local economy, I'm sure, and in fact, I'm expecting our commendation to arrive in the mail any day now. We finally had no choice but to pack up and get ready to go, and we left just as it was starting in with freezing rain, and although it got kind of slippery on the roads, it was really not too bad as long as everyone was being careful and attentive to the dangerous conditions. Naturally we stopped at Denny's in Newburgh for dinner, which is always a treat, and our only comfort in having to go back home again after a fun weekend away. This really was the final stop for the long-running Christmas Caravan, so the holly jolly season was well and truly over for real, and nothing left to do but wait for another December to roll around and start it back up again. It would have been nice to have Monday off from work, but even a short weekend with friends is a pleasure worth savoring, and we were glad to share some quality time with them when we had the chance. But I don't mind saying, as for the President, I'm afraid he's on his own. Elle

Stuff And Nonsense

Hello World, HO! HO! HO! For anyone and everyone who may be wondering what the heck is going on around here (and not to mention, the KBG agents monitoring my email, whose name is Legion, as we all well know) here's a late-breaking update with the scoop, the whole scoop, and nothing but the scoop - or, at least as well as I remember it at this point. It all began innocently enough, as these things so often do, when our various and sundry family members proved unavailable for the traditional yuletide celebrations, and we were left to fend for ourselves at this jolly juncture. We did so, however begrudgingly, and waited for the errant relatives to return from their other engagements, thanks not. As a result, it was practically right on the brink of Epiphany, of all things, before we were able to hightail it over the river and through the woods to my sister's log cabin in the wilds of upstate New York for a belated family Christmas, and don't spare the egg nog, my good man! We packed our bags, and gathered up everything we were going to need for a weekend in the country, and planned to leave early on Saturday and give ourselves plenty of time - especially since I was going to be driving, with my (relatively) new car, and there wasn't a moment to waste. Not so fast! At the very last minute, my other sister from Long Island asked if she could tag along, which meant that we first had to stop at the White Plains train station to pick her up, and we couldn't leave until after her bus arrived, whenever that might be. (Apparently running a bus company means never having to say you're sorry, because it seems that sticking to a schedule is a pipe dream more honored in the breach, as the saying goes.) All this came as a big surprise to the rest of us, since the end of the year is the busiest time for the food warehouse where she works - and which the addle-pated management often complicates further, by having layoffs of necessary personnel, sending in the auditors, or introducing new computer programs so that everything takes much longer. (I am convinced that these wretches used to work with me at The Employer of Last Resort, and found it much too efficient there, so they had to find someplace even more vulnerable for their nefarious plans to throw a monkey wrench into the works.) In any case, we were all delighted for her to join us, however unexpectedly, and we adjusted our schedules accordingly to bring her into the fold. The trip north was uneventful, even with yours truly behind the wheel, helped no doubt by the Governor's frantic announcement that all non-essential vehicles should refrain from using the highways for the duration, and on the secondary roads everyone should be on the lookout for a red Chevy Aveo and avoid it at all costs. This was probably just as well, although I thought the coward who hurtled down the embankment and jumped into the river was taking things to extremes, even still. We managed to arrive without incident, and were greeted with open arms by our hostess, who plied us with home-made soup and grilled cheese sandwiches to revive our flagging spirits. It was much too cold for a stroll around the scenic Ashokan Reservoir, and the snow flurries did nothing to encourage a change of heart on our part, so we stayed indoors and consoled ourselves with desserts instead. There's some kind of rule that says whenever our family gets together, there must be presents, so we tore into those with our usual gusto, and you can believe me when I say that there were no complaints on that front, oh by gosh, by golly. There were even toys to play with, the kind that you wind up and then they splash around in the sink - and for anyone who doesn't believe me, please be advised that I have the videos to prove it, and I'm not afraid to use them. One gift that we all thought would be interesting was a DVD of "Alice in Wonderland" from 1933, and apparently was made simply by driving a van around Hollywood and rounding up everyone who happened to be working there at the time. The cast on this heretofore unheard of production was astonishing: Gary Cooper, W.C. Fields, Cary Grant, Edward Everett Horton, Billy Barty, Leon Errol, Sterling Holloway, Roscoe Karns, Mae Marsh, Jack Oakie, Edna May Oliver, May Robson, Charlie Ruggles, Ned Sparks, it just went on and on and on like that. So we settled in with high hopes to enjoy this lost classic, and boy, were we surprised. It turned out that it was unbelievably awful, to the point of being unwatchable (one of my sisters took the easy way out by falling asleep early on) and remember, we were already prepared to like it, sight unseen. They never did manage to right the ship, such as it was, and it just continued to get worse as it went along, so much so that it was a wonder that they didn't all just retire from motion pictures at a stroke, or even that the whole film making industry didn't just fold up and go out of business in one fell swoop. Of course, then we wouldn't have "Beach Blanket Bingo" now, so I guess it's a trade-off we can all live with. A wonderful dinner of stuffed shells and tortellini was all the cheering up we needed, followed by a variety of tasty treats for dessert, like home-made pie and peppermint brownies with ice cream. Because my sister volunteers at the local Book Fair, there's always a selection of orphan books up for grabs, that run the gamut from the classic and collectible, to the curiously obscure, to the downright bizarre, the wild and weird, and back again. We had no trouble finding stuff to keep us entertained, until it was time to turn in for the night. Both of my sisters tucked in at the cabin, while we hurried off to the SuperLodge in Kingston, where we have stayed before, and luckily knew enough to stop on the way to the cabin and check in earlier, so we could turn up the heat, and figure out the cockamamie room lights, so we didn't return to our dark and frozen digs at midnight, that would be more like a Siberian gulag than a warm and welcoming hostelry for wandering tourists, thanks not. In the morning, we enjoyed breakfast back at the cabin, featuring pancakes fresh off the griddle and yummy cinnamon buns right out of the oven, as well as more desserts - because let's face it, there's no such thing as too much dessert, after all. We had to watch the clock in order to make sure we got my sister back to the station in plenty of time for her bus home, but we still managed to squeeze in some shopping along the way while we were there, in spite of it all. We left at a reasonable time for the trip home, first stopping for dinner at Denny's in Newburgh as usual, which is always a welcome part of our travels. Everything else went smooth as silk, which was a good thing, since we were both going to work on Monday, and didn't need any calamities cropping up at the eleventh hour, that's for sure. Once Christmas II, the Sequel was finally in the books at last, a normal person could be forgiven for expecting that the Christmas Caravan was well and truly finished with its various rounds, and could finally pull into the terminus at long last, but not so. There was still one more stop to make before we could pack up the garland and sleigh bells for another year, as hard as that might seem to believe. On the other hand, everyone knows I always say, you just can't make this stuff up. Elle

Super Duper

Hello World, Happy February! Just when you think this short dark month in the middle of the winter has nothing to offer, you realize the whole thing is just crammed to the rafters (that is, if February actually had any rafters) with events, observances, holidays and celebrations of all sorts - and don't spare the fireworks and candy hearts, my good man! It all starts off with a bang on the 2nd with Groundhog Day, much beloved by politicians and other nefarious scoundrels, because for at least one day, the entire force of the media spotlight is focused on someone even more unpopular than themselves, as the furry prognosticators generally predict six more weeks of winter, thanks not. This may go over well with snow plows and ski resorts, but the rest of us are more than ready to hang up our snowshoes and call it a day on the frigid front, and that's not just the icicles talking, believe me. Next up is the politically-charged cultural lightning rod that is Waitangi Day on the 6th, which ranges from tense animosity seething under the surface, to explosive confrontations and violence splashed across front pages around the globe. Personally, I find that plenty of tequila and green beer tend to make any situation more festive, and while I don't know if it would actually improve Waitangi Day or not, I can't help but feel that it certainly can't make it any worse than it is now. Hard on its heels we have Valentine's Day on the 14th, full of all the hearts and flowers, bon-bons and jewelry that anyone could hope for. Then there's Presidents Day on the 16th, honoring our Chief Executives throughout history, good or bad - and here again, this is another occasion that is helped along considerably with vast quantities of tequila and green beer, by jingo. Next up, we have Shrove Tuesday and Mardi Gras cheek-by-jowl on the 17th, followed by Ash Wednesday on the 18th, ushering in the season of grouchy Christians everywhere, giving up their favorite vices for the duration, and making everyone around them miserable in the process. At the other end of the spectrum, we welcome Chinese New Year beginning on the 19th, always a boisterous and rollicking time to be had by all, with no need of tequila or green beer to pump up the volume, as it were. In the cycle of annual designations, this is the Year of the Sheep, so for people born in 2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967, 1955, 1943, 1931, 1919 or 1907, please feel free to get on out there and be ba-a-a-a-a-d to the bone, and don't let anyone pull the wool over your eyes. As if all this wasn't enough, the whole kit and kaboodle is National Black History Month, and if you ever wanted to know 1,001 uses for peanuts, the legendary George Washington Carver would be happy to inform you, I'm sure. And speaking of information, they also tell me that it's a mere two weeks until the three most beautiful words in the English language: Pitchers and Catchers. If that's not enough to shake anyone out of the winter doldrums with cheerful thoughts of sunny climes and balmy breezes, young men cavorting in the grass, and the sound of bat against ball - well, then, I'm afraid I just don't know what it would take. Garcon, more tequila and green beer, if you please! Speaking of sports, the Super Bowl was certainly a spirited affair, and not some boring blowout or low scoring snooze-fest, but a taut and closely-matched contest that went right down to the wire in more ways than one. In the end, the New England Patriots came away with their 4th championship in 13 years, by denying the defending champion Seattle Seahawks, the opportunity to be the first team to win back-to-back titles since the Patriots of 2004 and 2005. Not everyone necessarily thought that the best team won the day, but after all, that's what makes horse races - and next time, the Seahawks will know better than to get on the wrong side of the evil spirit of Affirmed, that's for sure. For anyone who wonders, the teams with the most Super Bowl appearances are: Dallas Cowboys, New England Patriots and Pittsburgh Steelers (8), Denver Broncos (7), Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers (6), Green Bay Packers, New York Giants and Washington Redskins (5), Baltimore/Indianapolis Colts, Buffalo Bills and Miami Dolphins (4), with all the rest of the stragglers bringing up the rear. Of course, even when the juggernaut that is the Super Bowl pulls into the station, so to speak, it's still not the only game in town, not by a long shot. Non-fans searching desperately for something else to watch need look no further than The Lingerie Bowl, which has set a new (possibly very low) standard in counter-programming at its very best, or very worst, depending on your outlook. There's even something called The Toddler Bowl, which is probably a family affair, and not one with teams of professional toddlers, subject to contracts, trades, salary caps or free agency, one supposes. (Although that reminds me of a recent circular from JC Penney with the screaming headline "OUR BIGGEST BABY SALE OF THE SEASON," which I don't mind saying, conjures up all manner of unsavory mental images, try as I might to ruthlessly suppress them.) For fans of the fun and furry instead, an adorable alternative is the (getting to be) venerable Puppy Bowl, still going strong in its XIth season, with pups of all descriptions - and some that are just too darned cute, that words have yet to be invented that could properly describe them. Even better, it also serves as an adoption event, so that rescue and shelter animals can find new homes with loving owners. On the other side of the pet divide, there's the more recent addition of the Kitten Bowl, with former NFL superstar Boomer Esiason, of all people, at the helm. (Of course, "at the helm" implies some sense of control, whereas there's a reason for expressions such as "Teaching kindergarten is like herding cats," because everyone understands there's no way to control cats, and I ought to know.) But if there's anything cuter than a barrel full of kittens, I certainly don't know what it is, and that's not just a lot of catnip mice, believe me. After the program, the happy adopters and adoptees rode off into the sunset for their new lives together, for a misty-eyed finish that the real Super Bowl rarely aspires to, and falls short even with all of the advanced technology at its disposal. I just love a happy ending, don't you? On the other hand, there are those who only watch The Big Game for the sake of the commercials, which run the gamut from the tried-and-true, to the outlandish, ridiculous, hilarious, outrageous, incomprehensible, and everything in between. I suppose everyone has their favorites, and over the decades, advertisers have done their best to grab the audience's attention and outdo themselves over the previous years, often with brilliant or disastrous results. It must be said that with what they pay for commercial spots during the Super Bowl, you could support a Third World country for an entire year, so at our house, we file this sort of stuff under the category of: This Is Why The Terrorists Hate Us, but they say you can't argue with success, so I'm not going to try. But it reminds me that we recently had our own brush with Madison Avenue, such as it is (now there's an idiom from days gone by that's surely lost on young people nowadays) as one of the houses in our small neighborhood was host to a commercial shoot last week. We had been notified by the host family, well before the undertaking, so we knew to expect the film crew on Tuesday, and not to mention, all the disruption that would entail. This is not our first time at the rodeo, as it were, as our tiny enclave has been the scene of other filming before, so we didn't expect much in the way of surprises. They started to arrive bright and early at 7:00 AM, with a caravan of cars, a dozen trucks and vans, plus food service trailers, and their own generators for the specialized lighting and technical equipment. Unlike the last commercial, for a pharmaceutical product that filmed across the street, this new one was for the Hoover company (vacuums and cleaning devices) and was shot farther down the block. They also suffered in comparison to the previous commercial, without the ever-present "help" of the neighborhood's self-proclaimed Good Will Ambassador, the irrepressible Cinna-Mooch of lore and legend, who was the cat next-door and made it her job to be underfoot at all times. She was the darling of the film crew, and probably scarfed down more treats from the food service truck than the actual workers on the shoot, I shouldn't wonder. Alas, those neighbors have long since moved away, and taken their cats with them, so poor Hoover had no choice but to do without them, and more's the pity, I'm sure. They were still filming when we came home from work, with the glare of spotlights through the trees, and the streets still parked solid with strange vehicles. We considered the experience a success, since nobody parked in our driveway, which has happened before, but apparently there were other unfortunate consequences of the activities, so much so that the hosting family felt compelled to fire off a broadcast email to all of the neighbors, apologizing for the many difficulties that had been complained about. Our friends at Hoover might wince, but it would be all to easy to say, "This really sucks" (oh, hit that easy target!) and I'm sure the Seattle Seahawks would agree. Elle

Freeze!

Greetings, Mr. & Mrs. America, and all the Ships at Sea! The sudden frigid weather, after relatively mild temperatures up to then, reminded me of this recent Internet sensation that takes the deep freeze to a whole new level, and one possibly overlooked until now. We have our friends at www.food.com to thank for this culinary ribaldry, where the usual repast repartee tends to be more acerbic than amusing, and often downright hostile. No doubt we can all relate to this in one way or another, although perhaps the kitchen-challenged among us, even more so, I dare say. It is sure to give you a warm welcome, fill you with a warm feeling, leave you with a warm smile, and warm the cockles of your heart, even under the frostiest circumstances. So chill out, be cool, and don't get snowed under while you enjoy this nippy little frozen treat! The Ice Princess ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Ice Cubes Recipe by CHRISSYG "I'm publishing this recipe because I'm sure that there are other families who have members, who don't know how or have forgotten how to make ice when the ice tray is empty." Total Time: 2 hrs 2 mins Prep Time: 2 mins Cook Time: 2 hrs Ingredients: 2 cups water (approximately) 2 tablespoons water (additional if needed) Yield: 2 Trays Directions: 1 - Empty the ice cubes that are left in the trays (if there are any left) into the bin. 2 - Take the trays over to the sink and fill them with cold water. 3 - Place the water filled ice trays back in the freezer. 4 - Replace the ice bin if you had to remove it. 5 - Shut the door to the freezer. COMMENTS: By Chef #1408275 on July 07, 2010 This recipe is horrible! Maybe I should have left them in longer than two minutes (the recipe doesn't say how long to leave them in the freezer so I just kind of guessed) but mine came out all watery. I won't be making these again. By donquix66 on May 27, 2011 I harvest my own free-range water, so the idea of putting it in a plastic tray and a commercially made electricity-wasting freezer disgusts me. I prefer nature's method, waiting until the temperature outside drops below freezing. By LainieBug on May 17, 2011 I wanted to make your recipe but our well ran dry, so I didn't have any water to make ice. Since I was having a party, I really had to come up with a clear liquid substitute so I would have ice on hand. A word of warning: when you make vodka cubes, your brother-in-law will hit a tree with his new car and your sister will never speak to you again. By hollyluya on August 03, 2011 I was wondering if you had a crock-pot version for this recipe. I work long hours and I just don't have the time to invest in this kind of hands-on cooking, but they really look yummy. By Carambola on June 16, 2010 I made a few adjustments...... used a pot instead of trays. boiled instead of freezing. Added salt, potatoes, carrots and beef to the water. It turned out more like soup instead of ice cubes. Next time I will make a few more adjustments to try and get this recipe to work for me. By Elainia on October 17, 2010 Oh man, so happy to have this recipe! My grandma died and took the recipe with her. You are a life saver!! By KMSoprano on December 20, 2011 I'm relieved to notice in the nutritional facts that these delicious cubes are not sodium free. A touch of salt is so important to bring out just the right icy flavor. We make this fabulous recipe so often, we had to buy 30 or 40 bottles of bourbon and scotch to go with it... By Elielia on August 09, 2012 I guess they turned out OK. I assumed, like muffins, you had to grease the pan first. They did come out nice and easy, but they made our drinks awfully greasy. Next time I will grease AND flour the pan. Anyone else have this same problem? By Baconandfries on August 08, 2012 My wife and I have been dining at the Palms for ages and from the beginning we have been a huge fan of their ice cubes - so smooth and cold - just perfect. We've become close friends with the manager, but no matter how many Gin Fizzes I feed him, he refuses to share their recipe. I've gone to great lengths to try to duplicate this at home, but have always failed miserably. We even tried to sneak some home one night in my wife's purse, but when we arrived home, they had some how gone missing and my wife's bag was a soggy mess. With much trepidation and little confidence, I gave your recipe a go. I was anxious and kept checking on them every five minutes for what must have approached 15 hours with nary a positive result. Additionally, for some unclear reason, my ice cream and leftover chicken stock both melted and had to be discarded. I had given up hope and passed out dejected and exhausted on the couch. I had forgotten to discard the unsuccessful recipe before my brief respite and when I awoke and went to pitch my disastrous attempt, I was astonished to find perfectly smooth, cold, ice cubes at my disposal. My wife and I quickly broke some out and tried them with some tepid tap water - perfection - just like the Palms! My only complaint is this recipe takes much longer than the implicated two hours. I recommend anyone using this recipe to make it at least 24 hours prior to serving. Other than that, it's perfect. I can't wait to see the look on the Palms' manager's face the next time he comes over and finds out I've finally duplicated their recipe! By jaybee1943_11730202 on May 21, 2010 This was so simple to make and absolutely delicious. I used fresh, organic water since we're both trying to lose weight. Since it didn't specify how many servings the recipe would make, I doubled the recipe and actually had enough for left-overs. I'm definitely adding it to my list of favorites. By Lorilie2001 on May 29, 2011 Thank you for adding the photos! They really helped me get a visual on when my Ice was done! And they turned out just like the pictures! My family was really thrilled! Thank you...oh Thank you! By LILLIANCOOKS on January 03, 2011 This recipe might be a little too difficult for me! I once tried to make a similar recipe, but it didn't turn out too well! That recipe was called "Iced Water". The ingredients were, 1 drinking glass, but it didn't state what size...ice cubes, which I didn't know how to make...and tap water, which I don't have access to because I'm not a tap dancer! So I don't think I'll be attempting to make anymore of these types of gourmet recipes! By Spyrunner on May 26, 2011 Make sure your freezer is plugged in. By Kattykat on May 26, 2011 An absolutely true story: I had a friend several years back who told me the story of how he and his friend got arrested for stealing ice from the grocery store. When they went before the judge, he asked them, "What, did you forget the recipe?" If I ever catch back up with him I'll be sure to forward this recipe on to him! Thanks for the wonderful recipe, and for doing your part to prevent crimes like these. By Everbody on March 21, 2011 It looked a bit thin so I added some kidney beans (half of a 15 oz. can) and some chicken stock. Try it, you'll like it! By Kamden & Alyssas Mommy on January 26, 2011 THANK YOU!! My ice maker on my fridge just stopped working, and I missed my ice. I had no idea i could "make" my own. Thank you so much such an amazing recipe! :-) By Chef #944221 on February 02, 2011 I too have been stumped on how to make my own ice. I would wait until Lake Michigan froze over then go with my ice cutter and bring back enough to last a week or so, but the darn cubes were so big they didn't fit in the glass. Now, thanks to you I am able to do this much more efficiently. You're a life saver, Chrissy! By Zoesmama on October 27, 2010 I wish I had found this recipe over the summer. My iced tea and lemonade were so warm. I just knew something was missing. TIP...you have to carry the tray to the freezer VERY SLOWLY so you don't spill any water. Thank you SO much for posting! My family loved it, so this one's definitely a keeper! By WhatTheHeckIsADD on May 28, 2011 To be quite honest, the coldness kind of takes away from the flavor. My Indonesian in-laws advised me to sprinkle a little cumin and a dash of curry power, and it worked! By Jill-Billy on January 24, 2011 KILLER RECIPE! Now I know what that other compartment that gets super cold is for. It sure didn't keep my lettuce happy. I also vaguely remember Ice Cubes from my childhood. Grammy made them for special occasions.