You Can't Make This Stuff Up
Hello World,
Well, there is no way to wish anyone a "happy" Good Friday, so our only alternative is to wish you a very happy Easter weekend and leave it at that. Of course, last Sunday was all cats' favorite day in the liturgical calendar, Palm Sunday, when the palms come home from church and turn immediately into cat toys. They always seem to know when the big day has arrived, and you don't dare go home from church without palms, for fear of your life, or at least, your ankles. Fortunately, I bring home enough palms for everyone, so my ankles are perfectly safe on that score.
Earlier in the month, of course, we had the annual St. Patrick's Day parade in New York City, and even managed to have the usual controversies around it, in spite of the fact that some of the usual adversaries declined to participate this time. With no one on the other side to fight against, all of the people on the same side were left with no choice but to fight among themselves instead, which they did with their usual fervor and acrimony. In fact, I believe that the NHL negotiators also showed up to help things along. It said in the newspaper that they've been having a St. Patrick's Day parade in New York since something like 1762, and you would honestly think that they would have gotten all of the bugs worked out of it by now. This is clearly a case of people with too much time on their hands, and too little green beer.
Never one to miss a bet (pun intended) the New York State Lottery Games put out a special Super Shamrocks edition of their scratch-off games during March, so people can try to cash in on the fabled luck of the Irish. I know this, because one of my co-workers gave me one of these tickets along with a birthday card, and it actually turned out to be a $5 winner. So that turned out to be a nice treat for my birthday, although I will say that neither of us is Irish, and everyone knows that I'm also not particularly lucky.
Speaking of work, last week our crack IT department greeted us in the morning with this message on our computers: ATT ALL USERS: PLEASE SIGN OFF YOU TERMINALS BY 6:45 PM WE WILL BE PREFORMING OUR DAILY BACK UPS ANY JOBS STILL ACTIVE WILL BE TERMINTED. TEH SYSTEM WILL BE GOING DOWN. NO USERS SHOULD NOT BE ON THE SYSTEM FOR AN HOUR WHEN THE SAVES BEING. And here's the scary part, it's that I understand that message completely! Another scary thing at work was that we apparently spent $399.50 for something that we referred to as "The Complete English Grammer DVD Series." By golly, I certainly hope not! I mean, I like Kelsey Grammer as much as the next fellow, but I don't see that being worth almost $400. And if that was just a typo on our part, and hopefully not the DVD people, then I think what we need more is a DVD on English spelling, before we get to grammar. Heck, if we can't even spell it, what chance have we got to learn anything from it? You know what I always say, you've got to walk before you can gerund.
Speaking of walking, I've just made the most delightful discovery, and you should definitely NOT walk, but run full-tilt and go buy this book called "You Really Couldn't Make It Up" by Jack Crossley. According to the review, it is a riotous compendium of weirdness and eccentricity as told in bizarre-but-true newspaper items, such as this priceless gem:
==================================
"Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Pardey
about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas
said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year.
It's possible Mr. Pardey has been charged for the gas
used up during the explosion that destroyed his house'."
- Daily Telegraph
==================================
Well, you know how I always say, you just can't make this stuff up, and it's really true! This certainly sounds for all the world like a book that is not only after my own heart, but also right up my alley, and you can be sure that it will be on my Wish List for any upcoming gift-giving events that may happen along. If you can't rely on friends and relatives, you should buy it for yourself. After all, you can't make this stuff up, and now, you don't have to.
While we're on the subject of newspapers, here's one of my favorite bits in a long time, that appeared recently in our local press. They printed a picture of some people bundled up against the cold, with their pup tents, backpacks and coolers. Underneath the picture, honest to God, it says:
====================
UNHAPPY CAMPERS
Golfers put in long hours
waiting to get prime spots for
EZ-Reserve tee-time system.
====================
I've got a news flash for those caption writers at the paper. If people have to camp out in freezing weather for hours with their tents and coolers, then what you have there cannot be called an "EZ-Reserve tee-time system," no matter what the golf course may want to tell you. This is what I call a system that has a lot of room for improvement, and that would be putting it mildly. Normally, I would recommend that the golf course get in touch with the NHL negotiators to develop a new and improved system, but I have the feeling that this is already their handiwork in place. EZ-Reserve, indeed.
It is true that I live within a mile of my job, and if I were a more energetic sort of individual, I could certainly walk there and back, but I don't, I drive. It usually takes me about 10 minutes to get to work, or 13 minutes if I let the car warm up first. In very bad weather, or when the construction crews are out making a hash out of rush hour, it can take 20 minutes, but it doesn't matter, because I leave 45 minutes early in any case. You would think that there wouldn't be a whole lot of traffic in a 10-minute commute, and you'd be right. But a lot of what there is constitutes a menace to society, composed of people who should not be allowed to drive, and sometimes I'm one of them. At times like that, it's nice to get a little more space, and create a bit of breathing room between yourself and other cars. So even though I take the same way home from work every day, and have for at least 15 years, I find periodically that when I make the turn behind the hotel, I take that curve a little too close, and go bumping noisily over the curb instead. You'd be surprised how people scatter when you do that, and suddenly everyone else on the road is happy to give you a very wide berth. I can ditch people who have been tail-gating me for 6 blocks, and who have climbed so close into my trunk that I can tell what they had for lunch, faster than you can say, "Sorry about your luggage cart, lady!" This very simple maneuver can give you oceans of space, even in the most congested areas, and it certainly makes the pedestrians a whole lot more alert. Of course, you know what I always say, if you don't like my driving, stay off of the sidewalks.
Well, there is no way to wish anyone a "happy" Good Friday, so our only alternative is to wish you a very happy Easter weekend and leave it at that. Of course, last Sunday was all cats' favorite day in the liturgical calendar, Palm Sunday, when the palms come home from church and turn immediately into cat toys. They always seem to know when the big day has arrived, and you don't dare go home from church without palms, for fear of your life, or at least, your ankles. Fortunately, I bring home enough palms for everyone, so my ankles are perfectly safe on that score.
Earlier in the month, of course, we had the annual St. Patrick's Day parade in New York City, and even managed to have the usual controversies around it, in spite of the fact that some of the usual adversaries declined to participate this time. With no one on the other side to fight against, all of the people on the same side were left with no choice but to fight among themselves instead, which they did with their usual fervor and acrimony. In fact, I believe that the NHL negotiators also showed up to help things along. It said in the newspaper that they've been having a St. Patrick's Day parade in New York since something like 1762, and you would honestly think that they would have gotten all of the bugs worked out of it by now. This is clearly a case of people with too much time on their hands, and too little green beer.
Never one to miss a bet (pun intended) the New York State Lottery Games put out a special Super Shamrocks edition of their scratch-off games during March, so people can try to cash in on the fabled luck of the Irish. I know this, because one of my co-workers gave me one of these tickets along with a birthday card, and it actually turned out to be a $5 winner. So that turned out to be a nice treat for my birthday, although I will say that neither of us is Irish, and everyone knows that I'm also not particularly lucky.
Speaking of work, last week our crack IT department greeted us in the morning with this message on our computers: ATT ALL USERS: PLEASE SIGN OFF YOU TERMINALS BY 6:45 PM WE WILL BE PREFORMING OUR DAILY BACK UPS ANY JOBS STILL ACTIVE WILL BE TERMINTED. TEH SYSTEM WILL BE GOING DOWN. NO USERS SHOULD NOT BE ON THE SYSTEM FOR AN HOUR WHEN THE SAVES BEING. And here's the scary part, it's that I understand that message completely! Another scary thing at work was that we apparently spent $399.50 for something that we referred to as "The Complete English Grammer DVD Series." By golly, I certainly hope not! I mean, I like Kelsey Grammer as much as the next fellow, but I don't see that being worth almost $400. And if that was just a typo on our part, and hopefully not the DVD people, then I think what we need more is a DVD on English spelling, before we get to grammar. Heck, if we can't even spell it, what chance have we got to learn anything from it? You know what I always say, you've got to walk before you can gerund.
Speaking of walking, I've just made the most delightful discovery, and you should definitely NOT walk, but run full-tilt and go buy this book called "You Really Couldn't Make It Up" by Jack Crossley. According to the review, it is a riotous compendium of weirdness and eccentricity as told in bizarre-but-true newspaper items, such as this priceless gem:
==================================
"Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Pardey
about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas
said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year.
It's possible Mr. Pardey has been charged for the gas
used up during the explosion that destroyed his house'."
- Daily Telegraph
==================================
Well, you know how I always say, you just can't make this stuff up, and it's really true! This certainly sounds for all the world like a book that is not only after my own heart, but also right up my alley, and you can be sure that it will be on my Wish List for any upcoming gift-giving events that may happen along. If you can't rely on friends and relatives, you should buy it for yourself. After all, you can't make this stuff up, and now, you don't have to.
While we're on the subject of newspapers, here's one of my favorite bits in a long time, that appeared recently in our local press. They printed a picture of some people bundled up against the cold, with their pup tents, backpacks and coolers. Underneath the picture, honest to God, it says:
====================
UNHAPPY CAMPERS
Golfers put in long hours
waiting to get prime spots for
EZ-Reserve tee-time system.
====================
I've got a news flash for those caption writers at the paper. If people have to camp out in freezing weather for hours with their tents and coolers, then what you have there cannot be called an "EZ-Reserve tee-time system," no matter what the golf course may want to tell you. This is what I call a system that has a lot of room for improvement, and that would be putting it mildly. Normally, I would recommend that the golf course get in touch with the NHL negotiators to develop a new and improved system, but I have the feeling that this is already their handiwork in place. EZ-Reserve, indeed.
It is true that I live within a mile of my job, and if I were a more energetic sort of individual, I could certainly walk there and back, but I don't, I drive. It usually takes me about 10 minutes to get to work, or 13 minutes if I let the car warm up first. In very bad weather, or when the construction crews are out making a hash out of rush hour, it can take 20 minutes, but it doesn't matter, because I leave 45 minutes early in any case. You would think that there wouldn't be a whole lot of traffic in a 10-minute commute, and you'd be right. But a lot of what there is constitutes a menace to society, composed of people who should not be allowed to drive, and sometimes I'm one of them. At times like that, it's nice to get a little more space, and create a bit of breathing room between yourself and other cars. So even though I take the same way home from work every day, and have for at least 15 years, I find periodically that when I make the turn behind the hotel, I take that curve a little too close, and go bumping noisily over the curb instead. You'd be surprised how people scatter when you do that, and suddenly everyone else on the road is happy to give you a very wide berth. I can ditch people who have been tail-gating me for 6 blocks, and who have climbed so close into my trunk that I can tell what they had for lunch, faster than you can say, "Sorry about your luggage cart, lady!" This very simple maneuver can give you oceans of space, even in the most congested areas, and it certainly makes the pedestrians a whole lot more alert. Of course, you know what I always say, if you don't like my driving, stay off of the sidewalks.
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 7:35 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home