A Close Shave

Hello World,

Just when you think that the weather can't get any more ridiculous around here, you see that other places are having even worse weather, and between the tornados and brush fires, well, it makes our poopy weather seem positively ideal, so that you couldn't possibly wish for anything different. Of course, the problem with wishing things were different is that they can always be worse, as we have often learned to our chagrin. Many of us had found ourselves in that discomfiting time of year when it was possible for two of our favorite sports teams to lose on the same day, and in fact, if it happened to be a day when the Dragons were playing Arena Football, then it could conceivably be THREE teams all losing on the same day. (And don't even get me started on the Dragons, for pity's sake!) Now we no longer have that problem, although not in the way that we might have hoped, as the Rangers were eliminated in the second round of the playoffs, after throwing everything they had at the Sabres and coming up short.

Speaking of short, the Mets were having a little trouble getting themselves onto the fast-track to success, individually and collectively, so they decided to face the matter head-on, and all of the players shaved off their hair. (With the notable exception of their stand-out shortstop, Jose Reyes, who was already doing well, and probably figured, why jinx it?) Of course, "playoff beards" are a time-honored tradition in hockey, and although they've yet to catch on in the business world, tactics like that are widely recognized for developing team spirit and solidarity. It's true that not everyone was on board with this idea for the Mets, and they came in for some criticism, although it must be said that they went 3-0 after that. For a superstitious bunch like baseball players, that's worth its weight in gold, although I personally feel that if the skinhead treatment was a means of getting the under-performing players out of their slumps, I don't see how it could have helped Carlos Delgado, who's already bald. But in any event, it got a lot of attention and everyone seemed to have fun with it, and as reported in the newspaper, "It was all done in the name of team unity." It goes on to quote pitcher Scott Schoeneweis: "We obviously can't do a drug promo warning against peer pressure."

While we're on the topic of America's Pastime, the press had a field day with the Mets home opener, when the starting pitcher gave up seven walks to the opposing batters, practically in a row.

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"I know the feeling," said former Mets pitcher Jerry Koosman, who had come to Shea to throw out the ceremonial first pitch. "You just lose the plate and can't find it again. It's a terrible feeling."

His command wasn't too bad.

When one pitcher is particularly wild, and the opposing pitcher also lacks control, the caustic press box line is, "He's got the mound so screwed up, nobody can pitch." So, maybe it was partially Koosman's fault.

"Don't blame me," Koosman said, kiddingly. "When I went out there, I even asked him, 'What side [of the rubber] do you throw from?' I threw my one pitch from the other side."
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It's a lucky thing that Koos wasn't with them this week in San Francisco, or they probably would have made him cut his hair off too. Now, that's what I call a close shave! That's one of the problems with superstitions, that they are unencumbered by logic, undeterred by ridicule and entirely impervious to sentiment. When it comes to winning streaks, it's "hair today, gone tomorrow."

It may still seem early in the year, but there's a tremendous amount of horticulture busting out all over, and you know what they say about how you can lead a horticulture, but you can't ..... oh, never mind. In any case, I personally thought it was much too early for chestnuts, but the trees in our neighborhood are awash with them, so there's no arguing with them now. I also expected it to take longer for the first rampant alien mutant poison ivy to rear its ugly head, but I spotted some by the hospital this week already, standing straight up as they do nowadays, and waving its tentacles at unwary passers-by. This particular specimen has basically taken over the hapless lilac next to it, which now appears for all intents and purposes as a poison ivy tree looming over the sidewalk, rather than a lilac. Our juvenile delinquent squirrels could be doing a land-office business selling calamine lotion in this location, if they weren't so busy digging up my bulbs from the flower beds and burying them in the driveway and patio instead.

Just when you think that the gas prices couldn't get any more ridiculous around here, totally out of left field comes the Post Office raising the price of stamps again. Now, people can call me a Luddite if they like (don't you dare!) but I know it hasn't been long since they raised the stamp rates, because I still have 37-cent stamps left over from when they raised them to 39-cents, after I had just bought two coils of 37-cent stamps, plus snowmen stamps for the holidays. I go through stamps at a pretty good clip, so for me to still have left-over 37-cent stamps at this point, well, it could not have been very long that the stamps were increased to 39 cents. And so here they are, raising them again to 41 cents, and it's simply mind-boggling that it could cost almost a half-dollar just to mail one envelope, especially when the rest of us Luddites remember when it was 6 whole cents for first-class postage, and don't think that we didn't complain about it then, too. In fact, I recently made the unwelcome discovery that the Gift Shop at the hospital is actually selling the new 41-cent stamps at fifty cents each (!!!) which would be laughable if it wasn't so outrageous. I don't mind saying that I'm disgusted with the whole bunch of them, and that's putting it mildly. If this doesn't drive everyone to paying their bills electronically, rather than mailing them in paper form, I don't know what it would take. You may as well get in your car and drive the check to the payment center, because between the price of gas and the price of stamps, they've really got you coming and going.

Speaking of going places, have I got a deal for you. We have our good friends at Haband to thank for the following travel advisory:

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You've surely noticed how expensive ocean-front property has gotten. Seems every year the price goes up. Well, what if I told you I happen to know that you can get your hands on some prime coastal real estate for the lowest imaginable price: Zip! Zero! Nada! Totally FREE!

Sound too good to be true? Check out the National Historic Lighthouse Preservation Act passed by Congress in the year 2000. Ever since, the U.S. Department of the Interior has been turning over ownership of many of America's Historic Lighthouses to anyone or any group willing to take them! Now's the time to set out on a Springtime road trip and pick out the perfect one for yourself before they're all snapped up!
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Now that's more like it! I have to say that I'm on board with the idea of leaving everything behind and heading for the coast to find the lighthouse of my dreams. I'm thinking that I might be better suited to a job as a lighthouse keeper, rather than working in healthcare, especially after it was Nurse Recognition Week recently, and I bumped into our bookkeeper down the hall, who groused, "When does it ever get to be Finance Recognition Week?" I told her that was entirely unnecessary, because it was already easy to recognize our Finance people, due to their horns and tails, although I thought the trident was just way too much. It was a good thing she laughed, because our finances are never going to win any prizes, so "playoff beards" are out of the question, and my next suggestion was going to be that they shave their heads.