There Oughta Be A Law

Hello World, Happy Cat Sunday! For everyone with cats at home, you know that Palm Sunday is their favorite day of the entire year, as they just can't get enough of those fresh palms, which draw them like a magnet from everywhere in the house. I can tell you that the florists are missing a bet, not selling them year-round to pet stores, because they'd make a fortune. And don't think our cats wouldn't be applying for their own credit cards, and hitch-hiking rides over there, because they would, you can believe that. In other botanical news, in spite of the unpredictable weather in these environs, the spring flowers continue to explode all over the place. Already we see that the hyacinths are out in earnest, and our backyard smells heavenly from one side to the other. We even have some early tulips, which seem not only very hardy, but obviously must taste terrible, because usually our neighborhood juvenile delinquent squirrels chew the tops off of the tulips before they have a chance to bloom. Our pansies are putting up a brave fight on the porch, in the face of some very cold and nasty weather we've been having lately, and their cheery faces are certainly a tonic for what ails you, that's for sure. In fact, like the cats with Palm Sunday, I'd be happy to vote for Pansy Sunday, which I think would have the same euphoric effect on people that palms have on cats, and that's not just a lot of ecclesiastical compost, believe me. While we're on the subject of things you can believe, or rather, that are simply impossible to believe, I just noticed yesterday that the Sunoco station around the block was actually selling regular gasoline at the staggering price of $4.11 per gallon, of all things. I can't imagine what the premium grade must be at that rate, but I'm sure I don't want to know, and luckily I'm driving a car that doesn't require it, or it would be a long time between fill-ups for us, I can tell you that. I'm beginning to think that Fred Flintstone car that you propel with your feet is looking better and better all the time. They had a cartoon in the newspaper last week about gas prices during the tenure of different Presidents, and by golly, people can complain all they like about Richard Nixon, but gas was 25 cents a gallon back then, which is a number that I can certainly live with. Heck, at this point, I'd even go for the 55 cents under Gerald Ford, and I say, let's dig the guy up and give him another shot at it. And speaking of ridiculous numbers, the early baseball standings are enough to make the sports prognosticators tear their hair out, and the local fans despair all over the country. Living down to its historic designation as the AL "Least," the Yankees jumped off to a middling 7-5 start, while the favored Red Sox wallow in the cellar at 2-10, and sporting the worst record in the majors so far. Heck, even the lowly Orioles are 6-6 already. It's Kansas City and Cleveland knotted up in the Central at 9-4, while Texas is running away in the West at 10-3, and 4-10 Seattle has yet to get on track. In the NL East, the dratted Phillies are leading the pack at 9-4, with the Marlins on their heels at 8-5, and the hapless Mets find themselves in the basement with their sorry 4-9 record looking like a bad investment for the size of their payroll, thanks not. Cincinnati barely leads the Central at 8-5, while the surprising Colorado Rockies are all alone at 11-2, the best record in baseball, and for which they should send Mayor Bloomberg a plaque, since it was our very own Mets who handed them a bunch of those wins, and once again, thanks not, I'm sure. In other sports news, the NHL season ended with the Rangers squeaking into playoffs on the very last day, when they won and the Carolina Hurricanes lost, only to enter the playoffs against the mighty Washington Capitals and promptly lose the first two games. There are 16 teams in the first round of the playoffs, making the local fans happy all across the nation and in two countries besides, although it must be said that the long-suffering fans in New York, Chicago and Phoenix already have reason to fear for the worst, and it may not be long in coming. The NBA also wrapped up its regular season, and the playoffs are starting this weekend, also with 16 teams in a variety of cities around the country, although I'm afraid that I cannot tell you which ones specifically. A cursory perusal at nba.com shows the playoff brackets and game times, but without the team names, only an acronym of the city and an infinitesimal pictograph of their logo, and if you're not really familiar with NBA teams, it really doesn't help you much. Some of the teams, like DEN and MEM are easy to figure out, but I admit I was stumped on the likes of NOH, SAS and OKC, for example - so unless the NBA has expanded its horizons and fielded teams in Nohopahu, Hawaii and Saskatoon, Canada and Okca, Turkey; well, then I just don't know what else to tell you. In any event, the Chicago Bulls drew first blood in the playoffs against the Indiana Pacers, while the poor 76ers got stuck playing the Heat in the first round, and I'm sure the Knicks will have their hands full with the Celtics as well. My personal feeling, since the playoffs line up with such propinquity in the number of teams and dates, is that they should pit the first-round losers in the NHL against the first-round losers in the NBA in a series of charity baseball games, followed by the second-round losers in each, which would at least give the home-tiown fans some entertainment value for their shattered playoff hopes. And some of those home-town fans might be us, so I'm thinking, the sooner, the better for this idea. And so it came to pass that one week dragged into the next while Bill was still in Rental Car Land with the cute-ish maroon Kia Spectra, and he was starting to appreciate some of its particular advantages, notably that it was better than walking, especially in foul weather. While it may not have been the peppiest vehicle to ever roll off the assembly line, it was sturdy and reliable, with enough room to be comfortable, and enough features to be convenient. Suddenly the rug was pulled out from under him, so to speak, and they swapped his ride for a smaller blue Hyundai Sonata, which they considered a step up in automotive class, but which Bill found did not suit him at all, and a few days of that was more than plenty. So on Friday, he dove back into the used car waters, and surfaced with a 2004 Dodge Neon that was in his price range, with the added benefit that they gave it to him the same day, all registered and inspected and everything, so you can't beat that. It's a nice looking, almost sporty 4-door sedan, that is dark gray with a spiffy metallic finish and chrome wheels, not to mention the requisite spoiler to round out the look. It's the closest we've ever come to a new car, being a mere 7 years old, and has many of the amenities that come standard on new cars nowadays, that have heretofore been nothing but a mystery to us, such as key fobs that open the doors remotely. It's surprisingly roomy for a smaller car, and more comfortable than the Kia (which wouldn't be hard to do, because as much as I liked the Kia, it was like sitting on a park bench) and we found it remarkably clean and shiny, inside and out, for a used car with relatively high mileage. So we've entered a new chapter in our lives, as we bid a fond farewell to the Buick, our faithful steed, and welcome the new Neon (which Bill has named Snatam Kar, in honor of the CD that is stuck in the car stereo, and please feel free to check out her web site at www.snatamkaur.com if you need some quiet reflection) that we hope to enjoy for many years to come. I don't mind saying, it's got some pretty big shoes to fill, and it's not going to get by on its looks forever, even with that spoiler on the back. Earlier in the week, we had all gotten an email at work from the President of the hospital, with the following unexpected message: ================================ Tomorrow, April 13, the hospital is hosting a shot for the TV program "Law & Order: Criminal Intent." The crew will be on campus from 8:00 AM until mid-afternoon. They will be using OR-3 for their filming, as well as my office. The disruption should be minimal, but your cooperation in keeping our focus on healthcare will be appreciated. ================================ My favorite part is where it says that the "disruption should be minimal," which is a curious statement from anyone who has worked at the hospital for very many years, as he has. It's been proven time and again that ANY extra-curricular activities on the property can bring the normal functioning of the institution to a standstill in a matter of moments in most cases. Please feel free to ask me about the demolition of the smokestack, or even better, the enormous crane that installed the gigantic turquoise temporary boilers in the employee courtyard, lo these many years ago. I saw staff standing around and gawking at these events that I hadn't seen at their desks in so many years, that I thought they didn't work there anymore. Even an itinerant hawk making a lunch raid on a resident pigeon was enough to draw the kind of a crowd that the annual Safety Fair could only hope for. So as far as being a disruption, that goes without saying. But the other part is what you find out if you have any experience with filming, which is about the opposite of what most people expect. When the idea is first suggested, everyone seems to approach it with enthusiasm, and they all say: "How exciting!" or "This should be interesting!" or "I can't wait to see the celebrities!" Then around half-way through the proceedings, just about everybody has changed their tune, and now all you hear is loud moans of: "Never again!" It held true at the hospital on Wednesday, as the caravan of trucks rolled in, debarking the dozens of technicians and service staff, and copious welter of equipment everywhere, and suddenly what might have seemed like a good idea in theory, was turning into a nightmare in reality. Everyone complained that they couldn't get from one side of the building to another, there were no elevators to be had, and even the President's secretary ("Her Executiveness") was summarily chased out of her office for the duration, and nowhere else to go, poor thing. So it didn't take long for them to wear out their welcome, and probably the feeling was mutual by the time all was said and done, and both sides probably happy when it was time to pack up and call it a day. So I would advise you to be on the lookout for an upcoming episode of LOCI that has an acknowledgment in the credits to the effect: "With no thanks at all to The Employer of Last Resort in the Queen City on the Sound," and you'll be sure to know which is the episode in question. I would tell you more, but that would be a spoiler, and after all, my name isn't - Snatam Kar