Speed Bump

Hello World, Happy June! It's hard to believe that we're getting to the midway part of the year already, and if you're anything like me, nothing to show for it, I don't mind saying. Next thing you know, school will be out, and summer will be upon us in earnest, with all that implies in the way of seasonal fun and frivolity for all. Speaking of fun and frivolity, it was all that and more on the AOL Welcome Screen recently, with two stories of the "head-shaking and eye-rolling" variety, that alternately make you want to laugh or weep, and shrieking uncontrollably would not be out of the question. The first headline launched this opening salvo: [[ Baby Gets Surprise of His Life ]] about a video clip that had caught the public's fancy and was spreading like wildfire through cyberspace. Inasmuch as the lad in question was a mere 2 years old, I can't help but think the phrase "surprise of his life" could not be less appropriate, since for at least the first half of his life, everything would have been a surprise to him, including being born in the first place. Next up was a heart-warming tale from the TV sitcom annals - [[ "Facts of Life" Star Resurfaces ]] complete with a picture of the actress they referred to as Mindy Cohen. Heck, I never watched the show, and even I know her name is actually Mindy Cohn, which even a cursory search would have revealed in an instant. Personally, I would have had my red pencil all over both of those flubs, but as the moldy old blonde joke goes, I've already got too much White Out on my monitor and can't see a thing as it is. Of course, it was just days ago that the nation celebrated Memorial Day weekend, with more parades, ceremonies, speeches, military salutes and festivals than you could shake a star-spangled banner at, by jingo. Monday was a holiday for many of us, and the Flag Brigade did an admirable job flying the colors upstairs and downstairs, and even better, remembered to take the flags back inside later - which is something that we don't take for granted around here, that's for sure, with the last two lonely addled brain cells of the Flag Brigade (which I have renamed Barbara Frietchie and Francis Scott Key for the occasion) not always to be relied upon for their memory skills, heaven knows. The plan was to also put the flags out on Wednesday the 30th, which is traditional Memorial Day (or as the dinosaurs and I recall it fondly as Decoration Day from the ancient mists of long forgotten history, now lost to posterity, and more's the pity, I'm sure) but unfortunately, the weather was too threatening to chance it, so Old Glory stayed inside all day, on the theory of better safe than sorry, and I think it goes without saying, long may it wave. Just go ahead and ask Barbara Frietchie if you don't believe me. Now in this area, Memorial Day weekend is also renowned for my sister's illustrious BBQ of lore and legend, still going strong in its 40th historic year, and attracting guests from all over the wide world, as well as mysterious galaxies from the farthest reaches of outer space. The weather was partly sunny but sweltering for the event (which was still better than at home, where apparently it poured rain all the livelong day) that in no way derailed the participants from enjoying the food, folks and fun on every side, or in every way, shape and form, including some alien dimensions that have yet to be recognized on this planet. Of course, there's always plenty of food and snacks, plus an almost unlimited variety of beverages to suit any taste, just perfect for relaxing in the shade and socializing. For the more energetic, there are games and activities galore, as well as arts and crafts to bring out the creative side in anyone - although it must be said that the Klingons have yet to get the hang of ashtrays, and the Romulans' mastery of making potholders is still in the very formative stage at this point, alas. The hosts have thoughtfully carved out a dozen campsites along the outskirts of the property for those intrepid souls who elect to sleep overnight in the woods during the 3-day shindig, cheerfully heedless of the danger from marauding wildlife, tempestuous weather, or rowdy aliens on the prowl for human experimentation subjects. We didn't take any chances, and left while the aliens were still otherwise occupied (I seriously doubt that Vulcan ear wrestling will ever gain a wide following out in the hinterlands, to be honest) and hurried to Denny's for dinner on the way home, which easily turned into our favorite part of the day. Frankly, we were a little concerned about the spaceship following us, but fortunately, they stopped at The Cheesecake Factory instead - because after all, their slogan is "Something For Everyone," and they ought to know. In the wider scope of things, the holiday weekend is probably most famous for that annual Bump Around The Brickyard, better known as the venerable Indianapolis 500, where "life in the fast lane" takes on a whole new meaning in this turbo-charged spectacle. The 96th running featured 33 competitors and racing teams from 15 different countries all over the globe, and including 3 women drivers among the diverse field. In the end, Dario Franchitti won the race in dramatic fashion, when the 2nd place vehicle slammed into the wall on the final lap. Franchitti joined an exclusive fraternity of only 6 other drivers who have three Indy victories to their credit, and while three drivers have won four times, there have been no five-time winners in the race's storied history. Somehow it sounds to me like the evil ghost of Affirmed has been hard at work here, and although I can't quite figure out how that could be possible, I still wouldn't put it past him. In other sports news, the plucky Rangers finally ran out of steam in the hockey playoffs, and were ousted by their dratted cross-river rivals from New Jersey in six grueling games, that were not for the faint-hearted, believe me. So in the end, it wound up being the last place Kings and 6th place Devils in the battle for Lord Stanley's Cup, which I'm thinking is certainly not the match up of champions that the hockey hierarchy might have been hoping for, and not to mention, lacking all of the marquee players like Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin, Steve Stamkos or Niklas Lidstrom, that can turn even a lackluster series into a ratings bonanza. Of course, in the world of professional hockey on television, more than 50 viewers would qualify as a bonanza, so this might actually work after all - and it would certainly thrill the hearts of the airline executives, as the two teams and all of their various equipment and assorted crews fly back and forth from one coast to the other, potentially for seven games. In fact, now I'm beginning to wonder if the President's economic advisers weren't behind this whole thing right from the start, especially since the evil ghost of Affirmed probably has nothing else to do between the Preakness and the Belmont anyway. Alert readers may recall a previous note of mine (well, it was from May 2009, so I tend to doubt that anyone would actually remember it at this point) about an unfamiliar automotive accessory - ========================== For the second time, I have found myself coming home from work behind a car that is sporting a "bumper buddy," which appears to be a fabric sort of covering for the rear end of your car. I don't have any idea what it's supposed to do, since it doesn't say, and from behind, seems to serve only as a roving advertisement for our friends at bumper buddy. ========================== It turned out later to be a purely imaginary product, even though I saw it with my own eyes in person more than once, and advertised a web site that didn't even exist, believe it or not. In what I consider a bizarre turn of events, last week I was walking through a very tiny parking lot at the hospital, which has spaces for at most 10 cars, and found two of them festooned with eye-catching bumper protectors - and even more amazing, they were two different brands, which seemed impossible out of such a small sample. One of them identified itself as The De-Fender (which is actually a pretty clever name, if you think about it) and is available from auto supply stores such as our friends at Auto Barn, for instance. The other one assured me that it was from the good folks at www.bumpersecurity.com but I learned my lesson last time with the bumper buddy non-existent web site, so I wasn't falling for that a second time. Not so fast! This snazzy site not only exists, but they are anxious to help protect your car's bumper from dangers of all kinds, and in 5 classic colors to look good while it's doing just that. (Although the black one that I saw on a little silver doorstop in the parking lot looked pretty homely, I must say.) So there you have it, right from the horse's mouth - or I guess it would be the horse's other end instead - it's like the reincarnation of the original bumper buddy rising from the ashes, and as the saying goes, riding your favorite horse around the barnyard one more time. Say, who let the evil ghost of Affirmed in here? Elle