The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Hello World, Anyone can tell you that it was just about half-past Halloween when the Christmas displays started going up in earnest, as the eager retailers summarily kicked the witches and skeletons to the curb, and trotted out the candy canes and holly berries in their place. A tree-shaped display of holiday cookies greeted shoppers at the door of our local supermarket, while yuletide wrapping paper and bows overflowed from the aisles at CVS, before November was even underway. Of course, this is old news to the seasoned veterans of conspicuous consumption run amok, many of whom can still cast their minds back to those halcyon days of yore when holidays knew their place, and stuck to their appointed times, without jumping the gun by leaps and bounds, or skittering about from day-to-day like some desperate fugitive on the run from justice. Halloween has upped the ante, by re-inventing itself, and turning into a major player on the party scene, that scores big points with children and grownups alike. With a bottomless cauldron of merchandising opportunities - from costumes and greeting cards to holiday-themed snacks and yard decorations - the annual spook fest has little trouble holding its own against the onslaught of the jingle bell juggernaut bearing down on it, and manages to defend its turf in the store aisles right up to the very end. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving has no such protection, and once the ghouls and goblins are gone, it's as if the Pilgrims never happened, and November is nothing more than the gateway to The North Pole. I daresay the poor Pilgrims don't need me springing to their defense 400 years later, but let's face it, without them we'd all still be communicating by smoke signals at this point, kemo sabe. Anyhoo, as they say in cartoons, it was more than 2 weeks ago when we first noticed the unmistakable glow of holidays lights at the nursery on our way to the diner - and they were certainly not in the shapes of pumpkins and cornucopias, I can tell you that. It was the Monday after that when the landscaping company next to where Bill works had their first delivery of Christmas trees rolling off the truck, and even though I was standing right there at the time, I still couldn't believe my eyes. So anyone who wanted to beat the rush and get their tree in the first week of November, they could certainly take their pick, and I don't mind saying, not have to fight off the crowds to do it. Now, the scoffers may scoff, and I obviously chief among them, but there's no denying that they smelled absolutely heavenly, and at this time of year, a more welcome aroma would be hard to come by. All of which only goes to prove that even old hard-boiled hide-bound traditionalists can't help but fall under the spell of fresh pine, nor all the officious ministrations of the Holiday Police keep the sugar plums at bay until after Tom Turkey has had his moment in the sun - or rather, the oven. Christmas is indeed the Super Bowl of holidays, and in the immortal words of Vince Lombardi: "Nothing succeeds like excess." I notice that the Pilgrims and dinosaurs are all yelling something about Oscar Wilde, but I'm not worried, because they're all well known as sore losers, and after all, I'm pretty sure it was Miles Standish who once famously observed, "Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." Now I see that the dinosaurs are all rolling around on the floor laughing derisively, but I have found that their grasp on colonial history has always been tenuous at best, so I put no stock in that, Pilgrim. Speaking of jumping the gun, every day the local newspaper lands on our doorstep (well, actually out in the street, which is about 50 feet from our literal doorstep, thanks not) and it is jam-packed full of sale circulars, from every possible store hawking every possible product - as well as some that don't even seem remotely possible, even in the farthest reaches of the most distant solar systems. The big new thing these days is all the merchants who are promising their biggest bargains right at our very fingertips, or what they describe as "Black Friday all week," which I think pretty much defeats the whole purpose of having Black Friday in the first place, and turns it into yet another in a never-ending series of movable feasts nowadays, that you can't pin down to a single day, despite the fact that it's actually named after the day when it's supposed to be. I admit that I have issues with Black Friday, as it presumably kicks off the holiday gift shopping season for real, and serious shoppers develop meticulous plans in order to snap up the best deals on the perfect presents for everyone on their list. Far be it from me to cast aspersions on the year's most popular spending spree, but even alien visitors from far distant galaxies couldn't help but notice that the biggest circulars, and the loudest commercials, are invariably from national appliance stores and automakers - like people are really going to buy refrigerators or cars as gifts for anybody. Of course, things can always be worse, heaven knows, and yesterday we received a circular that assured me that "Dunkin' Donuts is your gift giving headquarters!" Gee, I sure hope not, because about the last thing I want to give anyone as a gift is a paper bag filled with bagels and a cardboard box full of coffee. Somewhere the Grinch is having a great big laugh, I shouldn't wonder. Meanwhile, on the (double) vision front, where our aim is to eventually have the left eye and right eye working together as a team, like ordinary binocular humans, things are continuing along much the same as usual, with occasional oddities along the way. Sometimes there seems the merest tantalizing improvement, like we may be starting to come out of the woods at long last, while at other times, I find it impossible to see even the most routine things, until I just close one eye and grab a magnifying glass instead. I'm still enjoying all the new and improved colors that I have before me on the left side, and often it also surprises me with its unexpected clarity. In fact, on Sunday I was standing in my regular pew during the Kyrie with no particular thought in mind, and when I looked down, suddenly the nubby texture of the church carpet came into such stark detail all at once, where previously it had always been just a dull maroon-ish blur that faded into the background, that I almost shouted out, "holy smoke!" right in the middle of the liturgy. I may not say that this has been the world's best Halloween or Thanksgiving present throughout the ages, but perhaps by the time Christmas rolls around, we might actually be on to something here. And while we're on the subject of seeing things, it's no secret that the season for holiday movie blockbusters is just about underway, and since there's a few titles we didn't want to miss, we were ready to hop right on board that bandwagon before it was too late. They finally came out with the sequel to "Thor" in 3-D, and this one is called "Thor: The Dark World," with the story picking up a couple of years after the first one ended. The main characters are back, although they kill off the poor mother for no particular reason, and even Captain America makes a cameo appearance that is both surprising and hilarious. It's all too easy to get used to the spectacular 3-D special effects, which are such a mainstay of action movies these days as to be commonplace, which is a sad testament to our total lack of wonder in this era of digital miracles. It must be said that much of the story is overwhelmed by the massive technology at the studio's disposal, but it still spins an entertaining tale that never lags, and you certainly won't fall asleep at any point. For anyone with the patience to sit all the way through to the end of the credits, there's a surprise epilogue that will no doubt make more sense in an upcoming feature than it does right now. Unlike many films, where the concession stand pizza is our favorite part of the evening, I would give this one high marks, although admittedly, it helps to be a fan of the franchise to start with. Or as Miles Standish once said, "Let's get out there and win one for the Gipper!" Elle

Words Fail Me

Hello World, And so yet another week has come and gone, and all we can do is hang on for dear life as the year-end juggernaut barrels along like a runaway freight train toward December 31st, or know the reason why. We've been enjoying some lovely autumn weather in these parts, and even more glorious fall foliage than usual, which greets you on every side like a big brass band for the eyes rather than the ears. I have a chance to relax and appreciate it on my way to work, since I'm still not driving, and I can peep at the leaves without distraction from traffic hazards or road construction. This is a lucky thing for the public at large, at least based on how much trouble I'm having using a computer at this point, as my left eye and right eye continue trying to work together in their altered circumstances. After a month, I'm still getting the hang of reading the newspaper and watching television, and for the safety of all concerned, it's obvious that driving is out of the question. You're welcome. Speaking of safety concerns, we were all expected to attend mandatory sessions at work, dealing with the mission, vision, and goals that we all hold so dear, including our old friend HIPAA, patient confidentiality, infection control, corporate compliance, emergency preparedness, and environmental awareness. They put together a snappy presentation of what they described as "core values," of which the initial letters could be helpfully re-arranged to spell out EDITH, as a way to make the list more memorable. When I glanced over at the co-worker on my left, busily jotting notes on a pad, I couldn't help but notice that her list included the following concepts: =========== Equality Diversity Invasion Teamwork Humanity =========== Well, at least three of those are right on the money (guess which!) but I can assure you that one about "invasion" had no place on the original list, and no doubt, with good reason. The actual core value was supposed to be "innovation" instead, and perhaps my colleague's mind might have been elsewhere at the time, or she may have considered an invasion of diversity, humanity and teamwork as a welcome improvement to be embraced. Of course, it's all too easy to cast aspersions on people who can't even copy words accurately off a projection screen, but heck, I'm doing it one eye at a time at this point, Mr. Magoo. But it's not just at work where folks don't say what they mean (one hopes!) or mean what they say, and words have lost all their meaning. I recently received an email notice from my bank with updated terms and conditions, which let fly this opening salvo - ======================================================= For your benefit, we have listed the changes taking place: ~ The renaming of Personal Internet Banking log on credential input labels (currently known as User Account and Security Key) have been renamed to Identification Management and Memorable Answer) respectively. ======================================================== Say what?! Frankly, I don't even mind that whatever they're trying to say makes no sense, but please don't start out with that claptrap about "for your benefit," like they're doing me some kind of favor. What they actually did was give me a headache, and make me long for the good old days of piggy banks and passbooks, before the idea of log on credential input labels was even a gleam in anyone's eye, and renaming them never entered into it. Somewhere, John D. Rockefeller is having a great big laugh, I shouldn't wonder. They fared no better - in fact, considerably worse - in the new exemption instructions for withholding tax in New York State. You may notice that it starts out gamely enough, but doesn't take long to fall completely off the tracks, winding up in a quagmire of gobbledygook that HR Block himself couldn't unravel - ====================================================== You may not claim a withholding allowance for yourself, or if married, for your spouse. Claim the number of withholding allowances you compute in Part 1 and Part 3 on page 3 of this form. If you are a single taxpayer or head of household, and your combined wages from all jobs are under $102,900, reduce the number of allowances by seven on line 1 and line 2 (if applicable) on the certificate you file with your employer. If you arrive at negative allowances (less than zero) on lines 1 or 2, and your employer cannot accommodate negative allowances, enter 0 and see below. Find your filing status and your New York Adjusted Gross Income (NYAGI) below, and divide the amount by the number indicated. For example: [Single and NYAGI is less than $205,850, divide amount by 66] The dollar amount, as determined by these instructions or by using the charts in Part 4 or Part 5, is accurate for a weekly payroll. Therefore, if you are not paid on a weekly basis, you will need to adjust the dollar amount that you compute. For instance, if you are paid biweekly, you must double the dollar amount computed. ======================================================= Well, that's just about as clear as mud, as far as I'm concerned, and don't forget, I have already proved that I am capable of copying words from a projection screen with only one eye at a time. I'm certainly glad that they revised the taxpayer instruction booklets for this year, which if nothing else, should really ramp up business for the tax preparation services, while the rest of us head for the aspirin bottles. Somewhere, Friedrich Bayer is having a great big laugh, and I can't say I blame him one bit. Meanwhile, in entertainment news, a new movie was just released, and our local newspaper reviewer gave it an "A" rating - a feat so rare that it was newsworthy all by itself. The critic couldn't say enough about it, and fell all over himself heaping accolades on top of it, until he dissolved into a gushing spring of effusive praise for leading man Bruce Dern - ============================ " ... a great character actor who made his mark opposite everyone from Robert Redford and John Wayne to Jane Fonda, embraces the roll of a lifetime." ============================ Personally, I hope he took a great big bite out of that roll after embracing it, and didn't just let it roll away to where the roll is called up yonder. Now, there's no doubt in my mind that the paper's film critic, who has been around the block and then some, knows the difference between a dinner "roll" and a movie "role," and can probably spell each one right, so I'm prepared to accept that this particular typo slipped through the inept fingers of some semi-literate flunky along the way and got lost in the translation. We already know that the spell-checker is not going to be any help when there's homonym trouble afoot, and the dinosaurs and I are long since resigned to the fact that there are no editors anymore to catch these obvious lapses. We are sadly cast adrift, encumbered with the mental picture of poor Bruce Dern embracing his roll, while Robert Redford, John Wayne and Jane Fonda roll on the floor laughing, to the strains of "Roll Over, Beethoven" in the background. If that's not enough to make anyone lose their appetite, honestly, I don't know what it would take. While we're on the subject of movies, we fired up the Jumbotron and special glasses last week, and watched "The Croods" on DVD in glorious 3-D, just the way I like it. We kept seeing previews for it whenever we went to the movies, and it looked cute enough, plus 3-D is always a big selling point with me. This is an animated stone age comedy that is a bit more thoughtful than the low-brow slapstick of "Ice Age" or its ilk, and features the likes of Nicolas Cage, Cloris Leachman, and Emma Stone among the voice cast. We liked it more than we expected, and the 3-D effects were worth it all by themselves. In fact, when the unexpected invention of fire came along, the animated cinders were flying around the room so thick and fast that I was surprised our smoke detectors didn't go off. Of course, we all had to listen to our old friends the dinosaurs bemoaning the inaccuracies about the saber-tooth tigers and pterodactyls - but for anyone else beyond the Jurassic Era, it proved to be a fun and entertaining romp, that was a boisterous good time, with some genuine laughs and a happy ending to boot. So I'm recommending it in spite of their petitions and howls of protest, and I'm sure their threats of picket lines are nothing more than empty rhetoric. Say, who let that pterodactyl in here? Elle

Wedding Present

Hello World, Happy Veterans Day! Although now all but relegated to the scrap heap of historical holidays like Christopher Columbus, the poster child of the "what-have-you-done-for-us-lately" movement, the once mighty Armistice Day still lives on in sainted memory of the dinosaurs and those of us old enough to remember, as the saying goes, that freedom isn't free. There are scattered outposts where the day is still observed as a holiday, such as banks and federal offices, but for the rest of the world, it's business as usual on Monday. On the other side of the coin, this is counter-balanced by the Friday after Thanksgiving, where many companies are closed, creating a new and welcome 4-day weekend in its place. There are probably even places that do both as a matter of course, but really now, that's just crazy talk. In other timely news, so to speak, I was at work on Monday, a scant day after the switch back to Standard Time, punching in at 9:00 AM in the real world, and expecting to see that the time clock still showed 10:00 AM DST in the display. Not so fast - or rather, not so slow! This is the first time that I can ever remember, in the 20+ years that I have worked there, that the Engineering minions reset the time clocks before hundreds of people actually started punching in on Monday morning. In fact, for all I know, they might have changed it at the proper moment before that, so that even the weekend staff punching in on Sunday morning had the right time as well. It was just like a miracle, and one that I doubted I would ever see in my lifetime, I can assure you. For a place that could boast of many accolades for its patient care and specialty services, they have always seemed to have a lot of difficulty getting a handle on the more mundane aspects of healthcare operations. I would say that the hospital administrators skipped too many classes, or slept during their lessons, but once again, that's just crazy talk. On the local scene, I was invited by one of the neighbors to join her network on LinkedIn, the web site for professionals to connect with each other for mutual benefit, business opportunities, and career advancement. Although it must be said that connecting with me would in no way create business opportunities or promote career advancement for anybody, heaven knows, this immutable fact has not deterred my dozens of contacts from clamoring for me to become part of their various and sundry networks. Far be it from me to stand in anyone's path on the road to corporate success, so I always cheerfully accept whatever invitations come my way, and this particular neighbor was no different. However, I admit that I was somewhat taken aback when I noticed that her profile had described her thusly: ================== Alice Rand Vice Present at Barclays Capital ================== Frankly, I know nothing about what they do at Barclays Capital, and I suppose there's every possibility that there's a critical need for a "Vice Present" to accomplish their goals - and perhaps even a "Present" that all of the many and varied "Vice Presents" report to, I shouldn't wonder. It begs the question of whether this hypothetical "Present" ought to be considered, (1) a gift offered freely, or (B) something that exists in the current time, or (iii) an action term to furnish or bestow anything on others, such as an award, introduction, or opinion. On the other hand, the dinosaurs and I can't help but feel that for a person who has reached the lofty heights of upper management at Barclays Capital, it should not be beyond their capabilities to make sure that their professional profile identifies him or herself as a "Vice President" and not "Vice Present," if that is in fact what they are. Honestly, it's no wonder that the economy is all shot to blazes, and if our only alternative is to shoot back, then all I have to say is, "Present arms!" In other neighborhood news, we were all delighted when the lovely people next door (the ones who so graciously replaced the derelict fence inherited from former residents, several times removed) finally got married, and we were all invited to share in their joyous event. Of course, everyone was very happy for them, and glad for a chance to wish them every happiness, so all of the neighbors, past and present, showed up in force at the local Greek Orthodox Church last Saturday. A lot has changed in etiquette since the dinosaurs and I were taught good manners, heaven knows, and not all of it for the better, believe me. I have always understood that it is considered bad form to wear white to a wedding, but I admit that I was unprepared for the sight that greeted my eyes when I entered the sanctuary - only to be met with such a vast sea of black apparel on every side, that I couldn't help but wonder if I had somehow stumbled into a funeral by mistake. Even the bridesmaids, and the mothers of both the bride and the groom, were enveloped in billowy shades so inky dark that if they weren't actually black, they might as well have been. In the entire assemblage, there was only one other guest besides me not decked out in black for the occasion, and I cheered her champagne-colored spirit of independence as if it was Patrick Henry himself. (I have reason to believe that he had the same problem at the Continental Congress, where he was reputed to have exclaimed: "Give me liberty, or give me a room full of people who have something else to wear besides black, for heaven's sake" - or perhaps other words to that effect, I'm pretty sure.) I said to Bill later that I would certainly stand out in the wedding pictures, as a bright pink splotch in a solid black background, like a wad of bubblegum stuck on a chalkboard. We also learned that the traditional Greek wedding ceremony dates back to the 5th century, and whole service is sung by the priests, all the way through. Every ritual is performed 3 times to represent the Holy Trinity, and everything is sung both in English and also Greek, so that we began to think that we would never get out of there, and I don't mind saying that since you have to stand throughout the entire ordeal, it really started to feel that way. Interestingly, the bride and groom say nothing at all through the whole process, as there is no exchange of vows, or questions where they are expected to provide answers or objections at any point. (Which is just as well, because adding any more time into the ceremony would certainly have been about the most unpopular plan anyone could have come up with, short of setting the pews on fire, and don't think we didn't consider the idea, and I ought to know.) Finally after what only seemed like a month in the salt mines, they were pronounced husband and wife - in song, three times, in English and Greek - and the tumultuous cheering was more out of relief than rejoicing at that point, especially by the ladies in their fashionable but fiendish footwear, which is long on style but short on comfort. In retrospect, the dinosaurs and I realized that back in the 5th century, we should have suggested to the ancient Greeks that guests at the wedding ceremony ought to remove their shoes at the door and be provided with comfy bedroom slippers to wear during the service, but then again, that's just crazy talk. Or in the immortal words of Patrick Henry, "Give me liberty, or give me ouzo!" Elle

Out To Sea

Hello World, Happy November! Nowadays you have to be on your toes and not just step blithely into the eleventh month unawares, because what is lurking right around the corner is the dreaded "fall back" into Standard Time from Daylight Saving Time, which will happen on Saturday night, ready or not. This hare-brained malarkey will send everyone scurrying to reset all of their timepieces and devices that don't automatically reset themselves - or like most of mine, that eagerly reset themselves, but under the old schedule, so they're always 3 weeks too early or too late, thanks not. One thing that didn't happen in November was the World Series, as the Boston Red Sox prevailed over the St. Louis Cardinals in 6 games, finishing up while it was still October, and winning their first world championship in historic Fenway Park since 1918, much to the frenzied delight of their euphoric fans. (When Boston won in 2004 and 2007, they were the visiting team in the other city's stadium, disappointing the hometown faithful to an agonizing degree.) So I guess the time has come for us to shut the door on October and get on with our lives facing forward. Not so fast! Besides the World Series, October has other events such as Columbus Day and Halloween, and I will admit that up until now, I never thought of combining the two in any way. But inspiration struck, so I turned to our friends at Heritage Costumes for a Christopher Columbus costume that would fit the bill, and they came through with flying colors. (As a matter of fact, I recognized the exact same costume from a newspaper picture of a float in the Yonkers Columbus Day parade, so I'm in good company when it comes to costume choices.) It looks really elaborate, but it's actually all one piece, so it's very comfortable and easy to wear. I already had a brass telescope, just perfect for all of my exploration needs, so I was ready to set sail. At work, I was variously addressed as a king, pirate, my lord, or a knight, and I have the feeling that the great explorer of lore and legend probably would not have been overly thrilled at the multitudes who described my appearance as "adorable." I had to run an errand to another building before my regular trick-or-treating rounds at lunch time, and was surprised to get candy anyway - in fact, two ladies chased me down the hall to hand it to me, and that has never happened before. I'm thinking of remembering this idea for next year, to go around early before the treats run out. They say that close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, but when it comes to fun-size candy bars, timing is everything. Of course, everywhere I went, I laid claim to the area in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain, which was accepted with good grace by the inhabitants, and the use of force was successfully averted in all quarters. I navigated over to the perennially rollicking parties in Adult Day Care and the nursing home as usual, where I explained to everyone that they were now all Indians, since Columbus was searching for the East Indies, and everywhere he landed, he called the locals "Indians" to bolster his credibility. They were happy to go along, if only for the sake of harmony, which is probably something that Columbus himself could only have hoped for 500 years ago in his travels. Others may challenge his supremacy on the high seas, but I doubt they could rival his popularity at the employer of last resort, where the costume was a big hit from one end of the campus to the other and back again. And as an added bonus, I am now more than amply prepared if called upon to be the Grand Marshall of any upcoming Columbus Day parades, anywhere and at any time, not to mention, at the drop of a hat. A fancy black velour hat with a purple feather, that is. Meanwhile back at home, I can't ever remember the trick-or-treaters starting so early - they were already in the streets before we even got home from work and took costume pictures. Luckily, I always leave a candy bowl in the vestibule just in case folks show up when we're not there, so they're not cast adrift in a sea of holiday indifference. After all, our old house is a long walk from the street, with lots of steep steps to scale on the way up to the front porch, and costumed candy-seekers could be easily worn out by the time they get all the way to our door, so we certainly don't want them to leave empty-handed after all that. I noticed that even the older teens who usually come straggling in later at night, after the toddlers and their parents have packed it in, instead came early this time around, while it was still light out. We had the bulk of our callers between 5:00 and 7:00, which is definitely earlier than usual in these parts. It was fun to see all of the neighbors' children, including the irrepressible Emmett and his 2 younger sisters, plus plenty of babies in adorable infant costumes that were just too cute. There were the usual multi-cultural visitors from beyond our neighborhood, who don't understand English well enough to explain their costumes, and in situations like that, I have long since learned that all the pantomime and hand gestures are hopelessly inadequate to get the concept across. (Although one plucky youngster insisted that she was Snow White - however, since she was wearing a headband with bright red sequined ears at the time, I felt that her grasp of the character had to be called into question to a serious extent.) My personal favorite was a young lady dressed as a cupcake, complete with sprinkles, and a hat shaped like whipped cream with a cherry on top. She looked good enough to eat, and I don't say that lightly. Ordinarily, this is where I would be rattling off the details of costumes in order of popularity, but that only works because I have a tape recorder which I use to keep a record of their costumes as they come to the door - since they often show up in bunches at a time, and I can't write them down fast enough before the next bunch comes a-knocking. Unfortunately, the tape recorder malfunctioned at its utmost indispensable moment, and I was left to rely on my admittedly faulty memory to reconstruct the gaps in my list. So I really can't give an accurate breakdown of costume choices, without my tape to refer back to, except to say that I remember a lot of ninjas, and I know that there were 3 cheetahs, and what seemed like an endless parade of princesses. I also distinctly recall a pint-sized Batman, who accepted his treats with good spirits, and then trotted right into the house, as if he planned to settle in for the night. The masked munchkins were coming thick and fast, and it seemed like things were going great guns, so I was expecting some big numbers for a change - but then it cut out at 8:00 PM like turning off a light switch, and we had not one single solitary soul after that. I found out later that it had started raining, and I think we probably would have done a lot better except for that. Even without the tape, I can be sure that we had 56 visitors, because I always make 100 gift bags, and I still had 44 left after all was said and done. I was somewhat disappointed at the turnout, but it was still way better than last year with Hurricane Sandy (when there was nobody at all) or even the previous year, when a freak snowstorm caused municipalities to cancel Halloween throughout the region. Of course, it doesn't take a Christopher Columbus to tell you that there's nothing that can be done about the weather, heaven knows, so all we can do is set our course and hope for the best. If you bump into any Indians, tell them Queen Isabella sent you. Elle