Words Fail Me

Hello World, And so yet another week has come and gone, and all we can do is hang on for dear life as the year-end juggernaut barrels along like a runaway freight train toward December 31st, or know the reason why. We've been enjoying some lovely autumn weather in these parts, and even more glorious fall foliage than usual, which greets you on every side like a big brass band for the eyes rather than the ears. I have a chance to relax and appreciate it on my way to work, since I'm still not driving, and I can peep at the leaves without distraction from traffic hazards or road construction. This is a lucky thing for the public at large, at least based on how much trouble I'm having using a computer at this point, as my left eye and right eye continue trying to work together in their altered circumstances. After a month, I'm still getting the hang of reading the newspaper and watching television, and for the safety of all concerned, it's obvious that driving is out of the question. You're welcome. Speaking of safety concerns, we were all expected to attend mandatory sessions at work, dealing with the mission, vision, and goals that we all hold so dear, including our old friend HIPAA, patient confidentiality, infection control, corporate compliance, emergency preparedness, and environmental awareness. They put together a snappy presentation of what they described as "core values," of which the initial letters could be helpfully re-arranged to spell out EDITH, as a way to make the list more memorable. When I glanced over at the co-worker on my left, busily jotting notes on a pad, I couldn't help but notice that her list included the following concepts: =========== Equality Diversity Invasion Teamwork Humanity =========== Well, at least three of those are right on the money (guess which!) but I can assure you that one about "invasion" had no place on the original list, and no doubt, with good reason. The actual core value was supposed to be "innovation" instead, and perhaps my colleague's mind might have been elsewhere at the time, or she may have considered an invasion of diversity, humanity and teamwork as a welcome improvement to be embraced. Of course, it's all too easy to cast aspersions on people who can't even copy words accurately off a projection screen, but heck, I'm doing it one eye at a time at this point, Mr. Magoo. But it's not just at work where folks don't say what they mean (one hopes!) or mean what they say, and words have lost all their meaning. I recently received an email notice from my bank with updated terms and conditions, which let fly this opening salvo - ======================================================= For your benefit, we have listed the changes taking place: ~ The renaming of Personal Internet Banking log on credential input labels (currently known as User Account and Security Key) have been renamed to Identification Management and Memorable Answer) respectively. ======================================================== Say what?! Frankly, I don't even mind that whatever they're trying to say makes no sense, but please don't start out with that claptrap about "for your benefit," like they're doing me some kind of favor. What they actually did was give me a headache, and make me long for the good old days of piggy banks and passbooks, before the idea of log on credential input labels was even a gleam in anyone's eye, and renaming them never entered into it. Somewhere, John D. Rockefeller is having a great big laugh, I shouldn't wonder. They fared no better - in fact, considerably worse - in the new exemption instructions for withholding tax in New York State. You may notice that it starts out gamely enough, but doesn't take long to fall completely off the tracks, winding up in a quagmire of gobbledygook that HR Block himself couldn't unravel - ====================================================== You may not claim a withholding allowance for yourself, or if married, for your spouse. Claim the number of withholding allowances you compute in Part 1 and Part 3 on page 3 of this form. If you are a single taxpayer or head of household, and your combined wages from all jobs are under $102,900, reduce the number of allowances by seven on line 1 and line 2 (if applicable) on the certificate you file with your employer. If you arrive at negative allowances (less than zero) on lines 1 or 2, and your employer cannot accommodate negative allowances, enter 0 and see below. Find your filing status and your New York Adjusted Gross Income (NYAGI) below, and divide the amount by the number indicated. For example: [Single and NYAGI is less than $205,850, divide amount by 66] The dollar amount, as determined by these instructions or by using the charts in Part 4 or Part 5, is accurate for a weekly payroll. Therefore, if you are not paid on a weekly basis, you will need to adjust the dollar amount that you compute. For instance, if you are paid biweekly, you must double the dollar amount computed. ======================================================= Well, that's just about as clear as mud, as far as I'm concerned, and don't forget, I have already proved that I am capable of copying words from a projection screen with only one eye at a time. I'm certainly glad that they revised the taxpayer instruction booklets for this year, which if nothing else, should really ramp up business for the tax preparation services, while the rest of us head for the aspirin bottles. Somewhere, Friedrich Bayer is having a great big laugh, and I can't say I blame him one bit. Meanwhile, in entertainment news, a new movie was just released, and our local newspaper reviewer gave it an "A" rating - a feat so rare that it was newsworthy all by itself. The critic couldn't say enough about it, and fell all over himself heaping accolades on top of it, until he dissolved into a gushing spring of effusive praise for leading man Bruce Dern - ============================ " ... a great character actor who made his mark opposite everyone from Robert Redford and John Wayne to Jane Fonda, embraces the roll of a lifetime." ============================ Personally, I hope he took a great big bite out of that roll after embracing it, and didn't just let it roll away to where the roll is called up yonder. Now, there's no doubt in my mind that the paper's film critic, who has been around the block and then some, knows the difference between a dinner "roll" and a movie "role," and can probably spell each one right, so I'm prepared to accept that this particular typo slipped through the inept fingers of some semi-literate flunky along the way and got lost in the translation. We already know that the spell-checker is not going to be any help when there's homonym trouble afoot, and the dinosaurs and I are long since resigned to the fact that there are no editors anymore to catch these obvious lapses. We are sadly cast adrift, encumbered with the mental picture of poor Bruce Dern embracing his roll, while Robert Redford, John Wayne and Jane Fonda roll on the floor laughing, to the strains of "Roll Over, Beethoven" in the background. If that's not enough to make anyone lose their appetite, honestly, I don't know what it would take. While we're on the subject of movies, we fired up the Jumbotron and special glasses last week, and watched "The Croods" on DVD in glorious 3-D, just the way I like it. We kept seeing previews for it whenever we went to the movies, and it looked cute enough, plus 3-D is always a big selling point with me. This is an animated stone age comedy that is a bit more thoughtful than the low-brow slapstick of "Ice Age" or its ilk, and features the likes of Nicolas Cage, Cloris Leachman, and Emma Stone among the voice cast. We liked it more than we expected, and the 3-D effects were worth it all by themselves. In fact, when the unexpected invention of fire came along, the animated cinders were flying around the room so thick and fast that I was surprised our smoke detectors didn't go off. Of course, we all had to listen to our old friends the dinosaurs bemoaning the inaccuracies about the saber-tooth tigers and pterodactyls - but for anyone else beyond the Jurassic Era, it proved to be a fun and entertaining romp, that was a boisterous good time, with some genuine laughs and a happy ending to boot. So I'm recommending it in spite of their petitions and howls of protest, and I'm sure their threats of picket lines are nothing more than empty rhetoric. Say, who let that pterodactyl in here? Elle