Take Me To The River

Hello World, I suppose this is as good a time as any to wish all of our Christian friends a very happy Easter, our Jewish brethren a very joyous Passover, and for our Eastern Orthodox cohorts, a very blessed Palm Sunday! Yes, once again, the Western contingent has leaped ahead of their more sluggard counterparts (based on a bewildering formula of arcane variables, involving the vernal equinox, lunar phases, sun spots, inflation, humidity, miles per gallon, body mass index, currency conversion, radio waves, alcohol content, grade point average, seating capacity, carbon dating, exit polls, manufacturing output, musical chairs, plate tectonics, compound interest, box office receipts, and on-base percentage, I shouldn't wonder) to celebrate Easter this Sunday on April 5, while the Eastern set will be holding off until the following Sunday on April 12 instead. One of the reasons this happens in the Orthodox, well, orthodoxy, as it were, is so that the entire Passover festival (which lasts this year until April 11) is well and truly over before they start to observe Easter - which actually makes the most sense theologically, if you think about it. Be that as it may, and throwing caution to the wind, the rest of us will be ready to greet the Easter Bunny bright and early on Sunday morning, with his baskets full of treats, and colorful eggs scattered about for scavenging youngsters. (Or oldsters, for that matter - our old friends the dinosaurs can tell you that we're not in the least bit judgmental around here, so please feel free to get out there and dig around with the best of them, regardless of the year on your birth certificate, and hop to it.) As for myself, I'll be just as glad to tear into those chocolate bunnies on Sunday, and not have to wait another whole week, regardless of whether Passover is still going on or not, and the heck with carbon dating. Of course, last week on March 29 was Palm Sunday, and I dutifully brought home palms from church for the entertainment of the furry felines in our midst, just like I was supposed to. Actually, I don't dare come home without palms, because I already know that our cats have no tolerance for such egregious oversights, and they would just as likely tear my arm off at the shoulder without a hint of remorse, if I were ever so foolhardy as to give them that chance. (I don't mind saying that there have been times - and more than once or twice - that I've actually come home, and then turned around and driven all the way back to church to pick up palms, if I accidentally left them in the office when I was doing paperwork. The dinosaurs can tell you that I may look dumb, but I'm not stupid.) Alert readers may recall that we have new kittens in the household, that were born outside under our front porch, and we wondered how they would take to these unexpected botanical elements suddenly appearing indoors, and seemingly out of nowhere. It didn't take long to find out, because after I dropped them off in the living room, and went upstairs to change, by the time I came back downstairs, the palms were every which where, with not a single one remaining on the coffee table where I had left them. This is actually a big change from our previous cats, who were truly fascinated by palms, but only if you waved the fronds around so they could chase after them, and tended to lose interest when the plants would just lay about by themselves. The kittens had no such hesitation on that score, and were eager to play with these new toys on their own, without any need for outside participation to help things along. They were happy to pounce on them, push them around, fight over them, knock them under the furniture, and chew on them to their little hearts' content, like some sort of Palm Experts Masters Class, offering instruction for initiating the novices into the finer points of palm play. (And we have the digital videos to prove it, so scoffers beware!) I'm sure they think it would be an excellent idea for me to sneak into a Greek Orthodox church on Sunday and pick up a second set of palms a week later, but I really don't see that happening, and I told them they were wasting their time with the protest marches and petitions. Coming in right on schedule, April Fools Day was on Wednesday, and by all accounts, the Internet was awash with all manner of hoaxes, pranks, and outright tomfoolery on every side, to amuse the masses and trip up the unwary. Hopefully you were spared from any embarrassing hijinks, and managed to get through the day without incident, when all was said and done, with your dignity intact. Speaking of dignity, did you see the announcement about new Tesco Bounce, where the store installed trampoline floors, so shoppers can reach products on the top shelves? (Only kidding!!!) Also coming in right on schedule, I'm happy to report that our yard has exploded in jaunty purple crocus everywhere, front and back, and all along the driveway as well. Spring weather can be so unpredictable, but whether it's still chilly and dreary, or sunny and pleasant, there's nothing like a carpet of crocus to add a cheerful note to any day. And also on the home front, the temporary job that I had been doing since November is now a thing of the past, as the assignment came to an end, and we parted ways, and I don't mind saying, a little more abruptly than I would have expected. On the other hand, it was probably just as well, because it was admittedly getting to be something of a nuisance, having to drag all the way to the wilds of Valhalla every day - and especially during the long weary winter months when poor Bill was taking me to work every day, so that I wouldn't be stuck there driving home alone in the dark at night. So once again, I'm back out there pounding the pavement on the lookout for gainful employment, only this time, hopefully a little closer to home. Not to mention, trampoline floors would be nice, so I can reach things in the top of the file cabinets, especially if that's where they hide the chocolate bunnies, I don't mind saying. Speaking of travel, people outside of the region may not be aware of a massive $4 billion project underway to replace the derelict Tappan Zee Bridge over the majestic Hudson River, which has outlasted its useful life-span, and is now presenting more of a danger to commuters than its convenience warrants. The current bridge is in actual fact, named after a former governor, Malcolm Wilson, although everyone in the world still calls it the Tappan Zee anyway. There has been talk of naming it after the beloved and recently departed former Governor Mario Cuomo, which would figure to have a good chance of success, since his son is the incumbent governor right now. Another faction is in favor of naming it for the late folk singer Pete Seeger, who was an environmental champion and one of the Hudson River's greatest advocates and stoutest defenders. For their part, the local newspaper tossed out the challenge to their readers for their opinions about what the new bridge should be called, and they certainly got an eyeful and then some - "Boondoggle." - J. Goodman "The Tappan Zee Memorial Bridge ... it is a memorial to itself." - R. Deed "Why can't it still be called The Tappan Zee Bridge? After all, it was named for both the Native American Indian Tribe that lived there, and the Dutch who settled in New York." - B. Finch Rodino "Rockland+Westchester ... The Westrock or Rockwest Bridge." - T. Federici "Rather it is named after a non-politician. Pete Seeger did more for the Hudson River than Cuomo from the City of New York." - K. J. Fleckenstein "Name it the Hudson Bay Bridge or the Hudson River Bridge." - B. Rossi "There was a suggestion of naming it after Pete Seeger after he passed away last year. I still think that's a pretty good idea, considering all he did for the river it crosses." - D. Smith "The rail-less bridge." - C. Pollard "The Mario Henry Seeger Half Moon Headless Van Winkle Express Bridge." - D. Hogan "The Obama Fundraising Bridge." - C. Gatti "I've been calling it the 'Chopsticks Bridge' since the first model was unveiled." - M. Jonsson Evangelista "Washington Irving Bridge." - J. Speechley "The Honda Bridge and get them to help pay for it." - R. Stilling "The sky high toll bridge." - J. Garcia "Peoples Bridge since we are paying for it!" - S. Pesick-Pierro "The Obsolete Before It Is Completed Bridge." - M. Liscoe "The Cost-Overrun Behind-Schedule There-Go-My-Tax-Dollars Memorial Bridge." - D. Browne Well, there being no way to improve upon that, I may as well wrap this up right here and now. They expect the new nameless bridge to be completed by 2018, so there's plenty of time for the various delegations to wrangle over this flap between now and then. Of course, everyone knows that I'm never one to wade into the thick of partisan controversy, and it is always my byword to remain impartially above the fray, and resolutely take no sides in adversarial conflicts of any sort. Having said that, however, I've certainly learned a thing or two in my time, and if nothing else, I absolutely know better than to get on the wrong side of the evil spirit of Affirmed, so that's my choice for the new bridge, and that's not just the mint juleps talking, believe me. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, or my name isn't - Governor Mario Malcolm Pete Tappan Zee Seeger Wilson Cuomo