Cold Blooded

Hello World, And they're off! The time has surely come for us to celebrate all the old nags in our lives - and besides which, it's the weekend for the Kentucky Derby also. (Maestro, rim shot, please!) Of course, more importantly, it's also the time for us to honor all the actual mothers, and wide variety of other maternal figures in our vast circles of acquaintances, without whom the fabric of society would quickly unravel before our very eyes like a cheap sweater, heaven knows. So it's shaping up to be a Moms & Mares weekend, that's for sure, and while everyone's mom may not be as quick out of the gate as Secretariat's (Something Royal) at least you don't have to hire a trailer to pull them around in, and that's not just a lot of horsefeathers, believe me. Speaking of maternal figures in our vast circle of acquaintances, ya gotta love this snippet from the local newspaper about construction of the replacement Tappan Zee Bridge over the majestic Hudson River: ============================ Name TZB's New Baby Falcon Flash. Ro-bird-o. Falconetta. Those are among the 10 choices in the voting contest to name the latest resident of the Tappan Zee Bridge - a fluffy, white falcon chick. The single chick made its debut in mid- April above the existing span. Last year, three chicks were born in the falcon nest. The chick's growth can be seen on the bridge's falcon webcam, which is also where the online naming poll can be found. Other name options are Dutchie, Irvwing, Tap, Marshmallow, Rocky, Tappy Feet and Torpedo - at least no one went with Birdy McBirdface. ============================ Alert readers will no doubt recognize that as a sly dig against the colossal British polar research vessel, whose contest to name the leviathan only succeeded in the runaway farcical moniker of Boaty McBoatface - to the chagrin of the scientific community, not well known for their sense of humor in the first place, I dare say. Elsewhere in the natural world, a gambol around the property continues to amaze and delight on every side, as new blooms burst into profuse colors, or heavenly fragrances, or both. The wonderful wisteria is draping above the portico as a treat for the senses upstairs and downstairs, while bright yellow buttercups and lamium dot the lawn like golden drops of sunshine. In the flowerbed, there's deep purple bugleweed and hot pink cranesbill, alongside what I consider early columbine, just about to pop open with its signature blossoms in every hue. We even discovered the tattered remnant of our once abundant lily of the valley - long since assumed to have been annihilated by the vigorous ministrations of our thundering herd of roofers, thanks not - staunchly re-establishing themselves little by little, with their adorable bell-shaped flowers and sweet aroma, even more welcome by their return from extinction. Out in the neighborhood, the flowering trees are putting on a show, led by the stately chestnuts, with cascades of creamy petals like angel wings fluttering in the breeze. If instead of artificial intelligence, scientists could come up with artificial spring in a box, that would certainly make life worth living through the long cold winter, by golly. Meanwhile, in entertainment news, the minions at Optimum, our cable provider, have a plan to enhance my TV viewing experience, with program suggestions based on my personal favorites that I watch regularly. They start out with this opening gambit, which seems rather implausible on the face of it: ======================================= Put your personality to the test. Hold out your palm. Ahh, there we go, we're getting a reading. Your TV personality is... Find out now by letting us channelyze what you "Like," and we'll connect you to a custom channel of all the TV shows you'll love. Take the Optimum TV personality quiz now at www.whatireallywantchannel.com ======================================== So I figure, what the heck, what have I got to lose, and I fill out their questionnaire to see how close they would get to the "what I really want channel" for my personal tastes. Below is the unadulterated list that they came up with, apparently without a hint of irony, and as Dave Barry always says, "I'm not making this up" - =========================== Little People, Big World The Real Housewives of New Jersey I Am Cait ("Shoot me now! Shoot me now!") Newlyweds on Bravo =========================== I don't think so! In fact, if that was the channel they would provide of what I really want to watch, I would not only pull the cable wire clear out of the wall, but toss the television set straight out the window right along with it. I could say that after spending all that money on my eye surgery a few years ago, I would not go so far as to actually rip the eyes right out of my head as well, but frankly, I couldn't guarantee that, especially in the face of such provocation when I might not be accountable for my own actions. Where is Daffy Duck when you need him, indeed. Speaking of irony, intended or otherwise, two of the radio stations that I listen to in the car are both part of the Clear Channel family of media outlets, which is a huge conglomerate that has snapped up probably hundreds of independent broadcasters under its nationwide umbrella. Even though the two stations are in distinctly different programming categories - one features pop oldies, while the other plays classic rock - their play-lists often coincide in surprising ways, much more than would be expected by mere coincidence. Last week, I switched from the oldies station playing Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" to the rock station in the middle of the same band's "Cold as Ice," and which somehow manages to be individually exactly identical, while also being thematically exactly opposite, in a simultaneous manner that would be literally impossible to happen by chance. In terms of astronomical odds against, it would be on a par with Black Sabbath and Whitesnake singing "Ebony and Ivory" on two different stations at the same time. Heck, with those odds, you wouldn't be able to make it into the Kentucky Derby at gunpoint, and I'm not even sure that your own mother would be all that thrilled to see you either, come to think of it. And the mother of Lou Gramm from Foreigner, even less so, I shouldn't wonder. If you decide to throw caution to the wind and give it a try anyway, go ahead and tell her that Birdy McBirdface sent you. Elle