Class Act

Hello World,

Happy August! I hope that wherever you are, everything is fine and dandy, spic and span, not to mention, cool, calm and collected. I can tell you, without fear of contradiction, that around here the deer and the antelope are not playing, and often is heard a discouraging word. And you can believe me when I say that if last week's weather would have gotten thrown down a flight of stairs, then this week's weather would have been plugged full of bullet holes in the trunk of a car, and then wrapped in a tarp and tossed in the river wearing a pair of cement over-shoes, and that's no jive. You can only push people in this area so far, and then it's No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I came back from vacation and fell victim to a bad case of the galloping cruds that had been galloping around here while I was away. For a couple of weeks, it was too hot and I didn't feel well enough to really make any meaningful assault on the piles of dirty laundry that greeted the unwary passerby at every turn. Finally last Saturday, I felt up to the challenge, and gathered together some of the offending textiles, and dragged them into the basement for their overdue rendezvous with the washing machine. However, in the basement, I was met with the inauspicious sight of a leaky pipe over the washer that was spilling water onto the floor, and showed no signs of letting up, in spite of my clearly stated displeasure at this turn of events. I was already behind on my laundry when I went on vacation, and then came home with even more piles of dirty laundry, so this was really going to throw a monkey wrench into my progress. And I have to say, this is the first time I can ever remember the camping gods following me home to continue causing havoc after my vacation.

Speaking of my vacation, one evening when I was in Wading River scouting about for dinner options (and don't forget, this has turned into a happening burg) I decided to take my chances at McDonald's and try their new mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce. I distinctly remember thinking, "How bad could it be?" and everyone knows I'm nothing if not game, so I went ahead and plunged right in. Now, I'm not going to tell anybody to sell their McDonald's stock and run for the hills, because it was certainly not inedible by any means. But I really think that it could only be in the McDonald's Universe that anyone could think that what they're serving would be in any way considered to be mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce, even with a large stretch of the imagination and giving the benefit of the doubt. It may be a lot of things, but there's no way it's mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce.

For the corporate law firms that may be monitoring my email, let me say that when it comes to McDonald's, "I'm lovin' it," and all of their menu options are absolutely top-shelf. Kindly accept this as my disclaimer, and please don't sue me. While we're on the topic of disclaimers, I've had two cross my path lately that pulled me up short. The first one is on a fax cover sheet from what we like to refer to as "our sister institution," The Mount Vernon Hospital, and was not created by one of their underpaid minions, but rather is a blank template provided by some common computer software, that you just fill in the company name and phone number, and the rest is already done for you. But whoever was responsible for the Important Notice at the bottom really needed to go back to the drawing board, because this is what they came up with --

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This message is intended for the use of the individual or entity to whom or to which it is addressed and may contain information that is PRIVILAGED, CONFIDENTIAL AND EXEMPT FROM DISCLOSURE under applicable law. If the reader of the message is not the intended recipient, or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message is not the intended recipient, or the employee or agent responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, you are hearby notified that any dissemination, distribution, or copying of the communication is stictly prohibited.
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If you want to run that past your spell-checker, you'll find that it objects (and with good reason!) to privilaged, hearby and stictly. Personally, I think that anything that calls itself an Important Notice shouldn't have any typos in it at all (okay, I admit that I'm a stickler) but even still, three typos in two sentences is just way too much, even for these lackadaisical times. Anyway, the other legal notice was even more eye-catching, turning up as it did at the bottom of some internet jokes sent by a cyber-friend, and which seemed pretty much to be your average, garden-variety internet jokes, until this startling message at the bottom --

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Aviso Legal: Este mensaje (Incluyendo sus anexos) está destinado únicamente para el uso del individuo o entidad a la cual está direccionado y puede contener información que no es de caracter público, de uso privilegiado o confidencial. Si usted no es el destinatario intencional, se le informa que cualquier uso, difusión, distribución o copiado de esta comunicación está terminantemente prohibido. Si usted ha recibido esta comunicación por error, notifíquenos inmediatamente y elimine este mensaje. Gracias.
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You bet! It kind of makes you wonder where the heck that message had been before it bounced into my incoming email, and you can almost smell the guacamole and pico de gallo all over it. Ariba!

Of course, everyone knows that the stores have been full of back-to-school merchandise for at least two months already, which is par for the course lately, especially since they've expanded the back-to-school concept to include such apparently non-educational items as candy, lumber and entertainment systems. So it comes as no surprise to get the new list of fall offerings from our friends at the NYU School of Continuing and Professional Studies, where their motto seems to be something about bringing leadership and vision to the table. (But the question is, like leading a horse to water, can you make it drink?) Lest you think this is just some screwy, fly-by-night operation with no credentials, they assure us that their project management courses are certified by none other than the Project Management Institute itself, so that should lay those rumors to rest right now. I'm sure you'll be relieved to know that you can actually take courses for credit with titles like "Organizational Change Management," "Introduction to Business Continuity Planning," "Team Management in a Project Environment," and my personal favorite, "Beyond Compliance: Where Human Capital and Risk Meet." Quick, sign me up!

Today at work, I was flipping through a catalogue in the cafeteria, where the temperature was hovering between 90 and 95 degrees, in spite of sitting right next to what is laughingly referred to as the air conditioning unit, and even still, I was maintaining a pretty good frame of mind, that is, until I got to the pages where these people were trying to sell me assorted Christmas ornaments and holiday table decorations, and I just had to draw the line at that. I realize that there's no standards any more, but by golly, puede contener información que no es de caracter público. And that's not just the guacamole talking!