Under The Table
Hello World,
Well, there's no sense in my wishing you a happy anything, because I obviously have no idea what's going on around here, and that's putting it mildly. It took me a solid week to figure out that the witch doctors returned my computer with a new hard drive and new operating system set to, yes, the wrong date, no thank you very much not. I kept wondering why my scheduled tasks were happening on the wrong day, and my email was dated on days I knew I hadn't sent it. I have the system clock in my task bar, so I knew that was right, but I finally had to go into Control Panel, and soon uncovered the truth of the matter. So either the witch doctors set the system information to their own home country, on the other side of the international date line, or it's really true that the darned Russkies have finally developed their infernal date machine at long last.
Before you scoff, I would like to point out this date-related anomaly in the TV section of our local newspaper. The Food Network has a cooking program called "Emeril Live," presumably because it is exactly that, and in the listings for Sunday, August 5th, the topic for "Emeril Live" was "Recipes for Mother's Day." Hmmmm. Somehow I'm thinking, either the Russkies got to that show big time, or the "live" part of "Emeril Live" is not quite as live as they would like us to believe. And don't forget, I got a new computer with the wrong date, so I ought to know.
Meanwhile, in a different section of the newspaper, there was a big story by Greg Clary with the arresting headline: "We May Need To Adapt To Mutant Poison Ivy." And as Dave Barry always says, "I'm not making this up." In fact, I have documentary evidence going back many years, where I have been complaining about mutant poison ivy long and loud, and I don't mind saying, to no avail. And yet here is the newspaper's environmental writer explaining that by 2100, poison ivy will have "sucked up increasing amounts of carbon dioxide and morphed into a super weed," citing a "recent study that shows poison ivy to be the No. 1 beneficiary of climate change and of the increased carbon emissions that we're putting into our atmosphere." Well, I don't know about anywhere else, but it's certainly true in our yard, where the rampant alien mutant poison ivy is running amok, standing up in clumps in the middle of the yard and waving its menacing tentacles about in a provocative manner. If it gets any taller, the city will probably make us get a license for it, if not a Social Security number. In any case, the article goes on to quote a plant physiologist who says that the future will look pretty ugly if you're a person, but "if you're a rabbit or a deer, things are looking good. Poison ivy is one of their principle food sources." Now, I will admit that I am not a plant physiologist, and I don't even play one on television, but I'm about as well-versed in poison ivy as anybody, and this is the very first I'm hearing in my entire life that there are animals to whom poison ivy is a staple of their diet. I mean, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, or any other food source vehicle for that matter, and I would have expected this little informative tidbit to have turned up way before now, in any one of hundreds of articles about the local flora and fauna, especially hot button issues like invasive weeds and deer. And it seems to me, at least at our house, that the problem is not an excess of carbon dioxide, but a distinct shortage of rabbits to keep the noxious vines under control. Well, I for one, am not going to stand for it, and it goes without saying, I am unanimous in that. Or in the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "Of course you realize, this means WAR!"
While we're on the topic of plants and people, we recently discovered yet another local landmark that is in danger of being obliterated by the implacable juggernaut of urban development. Of course, all of us staunch traditionalists and other assorted dinosaurs are aghast at the idea of replacing Shea Stadium with a new ballpark, but as if that wasn't bad enough, apparently the well-beloved "home run apple" is also going the way of the dodo, and will not be relocated to the new venue. For untold years, home runs at Shea have been celebrated, and the fans entertained, by a large shiny red apple rising slowly out of a black top hat, while the scoreboard exploded with animated apples, top hats and fireworks. With the center field fence at 408 feet, hitting one out of Shea is no mean feat, and the home run apple recognized this accomplishment with flash and pizzazz. Naturally, the Mets faithful are up in arms, and don't think they're taking this lying down, not by any means. In fact, you can feel free to go right ahead and check out their web page at http://savetheapple.com and see for yourself. While you're there, you can join all the rest of us dinosaurs in signing their petition, and apple-loving fans everywhere will thank you.
At our house, we file this next story under the category of "Why The Terrorists Hate Us" and with good reason. You know what Dave Barry always says, and he was not just whistling Dixie, or Rover, for that matter.
============================
THE PETSMOBILITY PETSCELL
Chatting with your dog while you're away just got easier.
With a new innovative product from Scottsdale,
Ariz.-based PetsMobility, you can now put your
pooch on speed-dial. The PetsCell, a cell-phone
designed especially for pets, has a two-way speaker
function and attaches right to your dog's collar,
ensuring that he's always available to take your call!
The PetsCell costs $499, plus a one-time activation
fee and monthly network fees.
www.petsmobility.com
============================
Well, that just about says it all, and all by itself. Also speaking for itself, we have the following exchange of email messages between our Director of Admitting, and the service department responsible for repairing one of our embossing machines.
Dispatcher: "The cost of the replacement display is $835.00 plus tax if you are taxable."
Admitting: "Please order the part for us. I will call you when I have the check and we are non-table."
Now, it would be all too easy for me to poke fun at this exchange (settle down, dinosaurs!) but there's no escaping the reality of the situation, no matter how you look at it. The Admitting Director was right on the mark when she said we are non-table, because after all, the fact of the matter is that we're a hospital and not a table, and that's the plain truth of it. In fact, I was going to give her a call, but I ended up calling the neighbor's dog instead. It turned out Freckles didn't know what day it was either, and he doesn't even have a cooking show. I'd love to keep trying to pin this down, but the IRS just showed up about unpaid back taxes owed by our rampant alien mutant poison ivy, and I have to assure them that our poison ivy is non-table. After all, I work at a hospital, so I ought to know.
Well, there's no sense in my wishing you a happy anything, because I obviously have no idea what's going on around here, and that's putting it mildly. It took me a solid week to figure out that the witch doctors returned my computer with a new hard drive and new operating system set to, yes, the wrong date, no thank you very much not. I kept wondering why my scheduled tasks were happening on the wrong day, and my email was dated on days I knew I hadn't sent it. I have the system clock in my task bar, so I knew that was right, but I finally had to go into Control Panel, and soon uncovered the truth of the matter. So either the witch doctors set the system information to their own home country, on the other side of the international date line, or it's really true that the darned Russkies have finally developed their infernal date machine at long last.
Before you scoff, I would like to point out this date-related anomaly in the TV section of our local newspaper. The Food Network has a cooking program called "Emeril Live," presumably because it is exactly that, and in the listings for Sunday, August 5th, the topic for "Emeril Live" was "Recipes for Mother's Day." Hmmmm. Somehow I'm thinking, either the Russkies got to that show big time, or the "live" part of "Emeril Live" is not quite as live as they would like us to believe. And don't forget, I got a new computer with the wrong date, so I ought to know.
Meanwhile, in a different section of the newspaper, there was a big story by Greg Clary with the arresting headline: "We May Need To Adapt To Mutant Poison Ivy." And as Dave Barry always says, "I'm not making this up." In fact, I have documentary evidence going back many years, where I have been complaining about mutant poison ivy long and loud, and I don't mind saying, to no avail. And yet here is the newspaper's environmental writer explaining that by 2100, poison ivy will have "sucked up increasing amounts of carbon dioxide and morphed into a super weed," citing a "recent study that shows poison ivy to be the No. 1 beneficiary of climate change and of the increased carbon emissions that we're putting into our atmosphere." Well, I don't know about anywhere else, but it's certainly true in our yard, where the rampant alien mutant poison ivy is running amok, standing up in clumps in the middle of the yard and waving its menacing tentacles about in a provocative manner. If it gets any taller, the city will probably make us get a license for it, if not a Social Security number. In any case, the article goes on to quote a plant physiologist who says that the future will look pretty ugly if you're a person, but "if you're a rabbit or a deer, things are looking good. Poison ivy is one of their principle food sources." Now, I will admit that I am not a plant physiologist, and I don't even play one on television, but I'm about as well-versed in poison ivy as anybody, and this is the very first I'm hearing in my entire life that there are animals to whom poison ivy is a staple of their diet. I mean, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, or any other food source vehicle for that matter, and I would have expected this little informative tidbit to have turned up way before now, in any one of hundreds of articles about the local flora and fauna, especially hot button issues like invasive weeds and deer. And it seems to me, at least at our house, that the problem is not an excess of carbon dioxide, but a distinct shortage of rabbits to keep the noxious vines under control. Well, I for one, am not going to stand for it, and it goes without saying, I am unanimous in that. Or in the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "Of course you realize, this means WAR!"
While we're on the topic of plants and people, we recently discovered yet another local landmark that is in danger of being obliterated by the implacable juggernaut of urban development. Of course, all of us staunch traditionalists and other assorted dinosaurs are aghast at the idea of replacing Shea Stadium with a new ballpark, but as if that wasn't bad enough, apparently the well-beloved "home run apple" is also going the way of the dodo, and will not be relocated to the new venue. For untold years, home runs at Shea have been celebrated, and the fans entertained, by a large shiny red apple rising slowly out of a black top hat, while the scoreboard exploded with animated apples, top hats and fireworks. With the center field fence at 408 feet, hitting one out of Shea is no mean feat, and the home run apple recognized this accomplishment with flash and pizzazz. Naturally, the Mets faithful are up in arms, and don't think they're taking this lying down, not by any means. In fact, you can feel free to go right ahead and check out their web page at http://savetheapple.com and see for yourself. While you're there, you can join all the rest of us dinosaurs in signing their petition, and apple-loving fans everywhere will thank you.
At our house, we file this next story under the category of "Why The Terrorists Hate Us" and with good reason. You know what Dave Barry always says, and he was not just whistling Dixie, or Rover, for that matter.
============================
THE PETSMOBILITY PETSCELL
Chatting with your dog while you're away just got easier.
With a new innovative product from Scottsdale,
Ariz.-based PetsMobility, you can now put your
pooch on speed-dial. The PetsCell, a cell-phone
designed especially for pets, has a two-way speaker
function and attaches right to your dog's collar,
ensuring that he's always available to take your call!
The PetsCell costs $499, plus a one-time activation
fee and monthly network fees.
www.petsmobility.com
============================
Well, that just about says it all, and all by itself. Also speaking for itself, we have the following exchange of email messages between our Director of Admitting, and the service department responsible for repairing one of our embossing machines.
Dispatcher: "The cost of the replacement display is $835.00 plus tax if you are taxable."
Admitting: "Please order the part for us. I will call you when I have the check and we are non-table."
Now, it would be all too easy for me to poke fun at this exchange (settle down, dinosaurs!) but there's no escaping the reality of the situation, no matter how you look at it. The Admitting Director was right on the mark when she said we are non-table, because after all, the fact of the matter is that we're a hospital and not a table, and that's the plain truth of it. In fact, I was going to give her a call, but I ended up calling the neighbor's dog instead. It turned out Freckles didn't know what day it was either, and he doesn't even have a cooking show. I'd love to keep trying to pin this down, but the IRS just showed up about unpaid back taxes owed by our rampant alien mutant poison ivy, and I have to assure them that our poison ivy is non-table. After all, I work at a hospital, so I ought to know.
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 8:43 PM
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