This Is A Test

Hello World,

Happy Day of the Race for all of our Mexican colleagues out there in cyberspace. Today also marks a time for the traditional observation of an obscure historical figure that no one remembers anymore, some Portuguese explorer called Christoninapinta Columbosantamaria, or something like that, I'm pretty sure. Apparently, in 1492 or thereabouts, this fellow and his three ships were sailing around looking for the Northwest Passage, but bumped into something else along the way and claimed to have discovered Cuba instead, which surprised the Cubans no end, because they already knew where they were and didn't feel they needed to be discovered. In any event, while he was there, the young Fidel Castro gave him a box of cigars, and the rest, as they say, is history. That is, except for the part where no one remembers him anymore, and his birthday comes and goes without a peep. Where Bill works, they give the employees a day off for old time's sake, and I also took the day off from the hospital, although it is not a holiday for us. After all, if this Chris person was such a big deal in the history of America, we'd all be speaking Portuguese now, si?

Wow, what a difference a week makes. Since I was off on Monday, I took the opportunity to run some errands, and when I was coming home from Linens-N-Things, I drove past the bank where their sign registered the temperature at 90 degrees, and I don't mind saying, it felt every bit of it. The heat was bad enough, but the humidity was outrageous, and considering it was actually October 8th at the time, it was way out of line. On the news, they said it was the last day for lifeguards at Jones Beach, and it was a lucky thing they were still there, because hordes of people flocked to the shores for relief. Expecting the usual weather for this time of year, the Chicago Marathon took place as planned, only to find the runners dropping dead due to the torrid conditions. In a situation like that, which is just crying out for hammocks and lemonade, it came as a surprise to see the opening ceremonies of the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, and I certainly hope that everyone was wearing their swimsuits at the time, or it would have been the Chicago Marathon all over again. Because of the extreme temperatures, there were thunderstorms that night, and after that, it rained all week, and the temperature went down every day, until by the time it got to Friday, it was all of 50 cold and clammy degrees with blustery winds. It was hard to believe this was all in the same week. We ran around the house closing all the windows, breaking out our flannel pajamas and blankets, not to mention, coats and boots. Everywhere you looked, all you saw were cats on the radiators, and in the living room, even the fleas were wearing wool jackets and earmuffs. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I have the feeling that they were cursing out our old nemesis Comrade Mischka in flea lingo, and I can't say that I blame them.

Speaking of cursing, for baseball fans in places like New York, St. Louis or southern California, where they might reasonably expect to cheer their teams on through the playoffs and all the way into the fall classic, it can now officially be stated that there really is no joy in Mudville, as the second round of the playoffs gets underway with the likes of Boston, Cleveland, Arizona and Colorado. These would not appear to be the match-ups made in media heaven, although Fox Sports has been pushing the Indians-Red Sox series as hard as it could possibly be pushed, and then some. Local fans are inconsolable about the Mets, while the Yankees were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs, which has happened enough times lately that the manager's job might be hanging in the balance. Personally, I think that a World Series featuring Cleveland and Arizona would set new records for lack of viewers, so we shouldn't be surprised to see controversial celebrities or wardrobe malfunctions to spice things up.

With regard to our observation about emergency catering from last week, I got this response back from the pastor of my church --

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I suppose if you are having a wedding banquet and you run out of wine and you didn't think to invite Jesus? See you Sunday!
Pr
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Everyone will just have to believe me when I say that for someone who is certainly not known for his humor, and that's putting it mildly, that was a pretty funny remark by the pastor, and here we don't want to rule out the possibility of Divine Intervention. Although it also can't be said that The Almighty has much of a reputation for His humor either, so the actual answer may lie elsewhere. There are some things that just defy all rational thought.

Speaking of rational thought, for anyone who has been feeling way too intelligent, and a little too complacent about it, have I got the web site for you. Please feel free to stop by and visit our friends at http://www.americancivicliteracy.org/resources/quiz.aspx and if you're anything like me (heaven forbid!) they'll have you feeling like a moron in next to no time. (I could have sworn it was the Emancipation Proclamation that ended Prohibition, which raised the tariffs on imported goods and permitted women to vote. At least, that's how I remember it, from when the dinosaurs and I were taking Civics back in the Stone Age, although this was before the discovery of fire, so it was pretty dark. Of course, I never did very well on trick questions.) There are 60 questions on a wide variety of topics, and although it's all multiple choice, this test is no cream-puff that any old schmo can pass without trying. They expect you to know about colonial history, the Civil War, the branches of government, important treaties, significant legislation, foreign affairs and economics, as well as famous literature about politics or philosophy. I'm a terrible test-taker, not only because I have no brain, but I also frequently mis-read the questions or answers, so that even the ones I know, I get wrong anyway. I was surprised to do better than I expected, ending up at 71%, which I thought compared favorably with the monthly average of 73% in September. Here is a sample question, and don't bother to ask the dinosaurs for help, because they already let me down on this one:

What is federalism?
A. A political party at the time of the Founding.
B. A set of essays defending the Constitution.
C. A political system where the national government has ultimate power.
D. A political system where state and national governments share power.
E. The belief that America should be unified with a transcontinental railroad.

All aboard! Well, it turns out the correct answer is D, so all of you Federalists out there can give yourselves a hearty pat on the back. On the other hand, you can't rest on your colonial laurels, because before you know it, you're getting hit with queries about Manifest Destiny, the Bay of Pigs, the New Deal, Reconstruction, the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, Woodrow Wilson, the Berlin Wall, the civil rights movement, Aristotle and the Federal Reserve. Believe me, when it comes to Social Security, or the law of supply and demand, the Federalists aren't going to help you there, bless their little Constitutional hearts. But if you have a chance to check it out, it's an interesting place to spend some time, and find out what you know, what you don't know, and most importantly, what you did know but can't remember. The best part is that after you take the test, they give you your score and all the right answers, so you don't have to wander around wondering when Abraham Lincoln was elected, or what the Manhattan Project was all about. On the other hand, if you are out there wandering around, and you happen to bump into any obscure Portuguese explorers, why don't you just go right ahead and give them a box of cigars. Tell them Fidel Castro sent you.