Happy Hour
Hello World,
Happy April! It doesn't seem remotely possible that a quarter of the year is already behind us, but there's no escaping the fact that we find ourselves now in the fourth month of the year, so we can just go ahead and put that first quarter right in the bank and lock the door behind it, because it's done and gone. I'm sure the scientists would tell us that the days are getting longer, as we continue to move along in the year, but so far that hasn't translated into any better weather, and this is turning into a year that has seemed colder, for a longer period, than I can remember for quite a while. Speaking just for myself, I'm getting mighty tired of one cold and dreary day followed by yet another cold and dreary day hard on its heels, one after another stretching out in a line like an old newspaper blown down the street. Luckily, this wearying prospect has in no way discouraged the spring flowers from popping up, which they tell me are guided by length of day and not temperature, and they are a cheery sight on the grayest of days. We had our first crocus on March 8 (I always take a picture of the first crocus, so I know when it is) while our first jonquils took until March 28 to appear. By the 30th, we had blue squill along the driveway and even windflowers, while April 1st was not fooling around where the daffodils were concerned, although that seemed early to me. Today after work, I noticed hyacinths in the back yard, in spite of pouring rain and temperatures that were inclement to a fault. Driving around town, there are even hints of very early forsythia in the sunnier locations, and if there's anything more exhilarating than its sunny yellow radiance, I don't know what it is. Since the government has never implemented my suggestion of mandatory mood-enhancing drugs to get us all through the dark days of winter, at least we can count on the wonderful spring flowers as a tonic for whatever ails you.
Speaking of dark days, a couple of alert readers were quick to send me their thoughts about Daylight Slippery Time, including one (thanks, John!) who pointed out that people wanting to avoid DST need go no further than Arizona, where it is not observed by the state, except on the Navajo Reservation, which is located in parts of three separate states, and that would probably be confusing enough, with or without DST as well. Another chimed in with her own new and improved version:
============================
I never could understand why we have to spring forward during the middle of the night, especially Saturday night! Everyone who knows me, knows that you don't mess with my sleep or my weekend. I can handle turning the clocks back in the fall, although it is such an inconvenience to deal with all the clocks in the house (only one of mine has a reverse). In essence, the hour gained is spent resetting the time……As far as going forward, why not spring forward on a Friday, like 4pm, or any weekday afternoon for that matter. I don't think you'd get too many complaints from workers. In fact, it would be a day to look forward to….You can call my idea “Immodest Proposal #2” Proposal #3 is not to bother at all. We delayed falling back last year and we sprang forward early this year, why must we mess with time at all??????? My mood swings are in constant upheaval as it is! I need gradual change at my age….a minute or two every day is about all I can handle.
============================
That part about leaving work early certainly has an appeal that is notably lacking in the current scenario, that's for sure. Another idea to take some of the sting out of the process, since the government is so gung ho on this concept, I think they should just send teams of people to everybody's house to reset the time on all of their devices twice a year. They could call themselves the Hour Rangers, and have cool uniforms with an hourglass on the front, plus a cape, mask and boots, and change DST from a chore to an adventure. In fact, since they would only be needed on two days of the year, they could have bunches of volunteers sign up for it all over the country, like sidewalk Santa's in December, except of course in Arizona, where they wouldn't be needed. Come to think of it, all of those sidewalk Santa's aren't busy in March and October anyway, I say let's get them on this job, after all, they already have experience wearing a costume.
Speaking of the government, for anyone who grew up with a father like mine, who drummed into their head the old saying, "A pint's a pound the world around," you might be surprised to find, as I was, that this is not so. Of course, everyone knows that I'm no fan of revisionist history, and it seems late in the game to discover after all this time, that this moldy old adage doesn't hold water, or if it does, it's not 16 ounces worth. Oh, I just don't know, I'm so confused, now I really don't know what to believe anymore. Next, they'll be telling me to throw the baby out with the bath water, cry over spilled milk, leap before I look, and put all of my eggs in one basket. (I would count my chickens before they hatch, but that would be a horse of the same color.) For all of you poundage fans out there, we have Bill to thank for the following weighty information:
=================================
Ounces, Pounds and PintsIn current American usage, 8 ounces make a cup, 2 cups make a pint, two pints make a quart, 4 quarts make a gallon. A pint of water weighs a pound.
But in the British empire, it took 20 (fluid) ounces to make an imperial pint, making the Imperial gallon 25% bigger than the American gallon.
Thus, we have the common American claim that "a pint is a pound the world around" pitted against the English statement that "a pint of water weighs a pound and a quarter".
But in England, it got a lot worse, because there were two different ounces! Precious metals and apothecary goods were sold in troy (or apothecary) ounces of 480 grains each, while everything else was traded in avoirdupois ounces of 437.5 grains each. Thus, the comforting fact that an ounce of gold (31.1 grams) weighs more than an ounce of feathers (28.35 grams). On the other hand, the troy pound has only 12 ounces, while the avoirdupois pound has 16 ounces, so a pound of gold (373 grams) weighs LESS than a pound of feathers (454 grams).
=================================
By golly, I may never have a pound of gold to call my own, but it's good to know that an ounce of gold weighs more than an ounce of feathers anyway. So I guess we can all put that in our pipe and smoke it, let the chips fall where they may, rush in where angels fear to tread, lead a horse to water and make him drink, because all bets are off at this pint, I mean, point.
Recently I sent a message to the pastor of my church, which included a bit of the feeble attempts at humor that I am so well known for, and he fired back this unexpected reply:
===========================
Congratulations, we at the Matchbook Cover National You-Too-Can-Be-a-Writer Submit a Writing Sample Review Board have awarded you a full scholarship to next year's writing class!
===========================
It's true that a normal person might not find that particularly amusing, but I can assure you that for the pastor, who is not known for his humor, and that's putting it mildly, this was nothing short of uproarious, believe me.
Meanwhile, on the subject of people you can't trust, I was surprised at the Smart Source flyer that came in with our newspaper, as it usually does on Saturdays. Our friends at Pearle Vision usually have one of their ads on the front, featuring a pretty model in a stylish pair of glasses, which are fitted with clear lenses instead of prescription, so the model's eyes don't look out of proportion or anything. This is their way to convince a vain public, one supposes, that they can wear glasses, and still look fashionable like the model in the picture. (For anyone who believes what they see in advertisements, please contact me about openings in the Hour Rangers, so I can get your size for the costume.) Now I guess it's gotten to the point where they think it's warm enough for us to start thinking ahead to the sunnier days to come, so it must have made sense to them for this week's ad to feature a model wearing a pair of sunglasses rather than regular eyeglasses. I would have no squawk with that, except that instead of having the model wear an actual pair of sunglasses, they obviously edited the picture to make them look like sunglasses, and unnaturally so. The lenses are so completely black, they're not even like the black glasses they would use to give blind people, they're like a solid black plastic spatula. It's not smoky black, or tinted black like real sunglasses, but totally and absolutely opaque black, like a painted black wall. All this would not be enough to get my dander up, heaven knows in these days of no standards, except that the only other thing in the ad besides the model and her black glasses is their slogan, which screams in large letters: "WE WANT YOU TO SEE MORE." Okay, now you're just being silly. The only thing that makes sense for this ad to say is "TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES," especially if they're solid black like a wall. Honestly, you just can't make this stuff up.
Only other people like me, who are saddled with Windows 2000NT on their computers at work, can understand what happens now when the time changes for DST twice a year. Of course, the software is advanced enough to change the time automatically, unfortunately, it changes it on the OLD dates when DST used to take effect, not when it is nowadays. Every year, I would just wait it out and let it reset to the right time after three weeks or so when it finally got around to it, and in the meantime, just exist in a semi-time warp where my computer was out of sync with the rest of the world that had either sprung ahead or fallen back at the correct moments. This time around, I admit that I caved in and threw in the towel on the whole idea. I went into Control Panel and manually reset the time zone from Eastern Time to Atlantic Time, so along with Nova Scotia and Newfoundland, I could spring ahead an hour and be at the same time as the rest of the local area. It's true that this is the coward's way out, but after all, I'm just an ordinary person, and everyone knows there's really no such thing as super-heroes. Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Say, who is that guy in the cape who's resetting the time on my clocks?
Elle
Happy April! It doesn't seem remotely possible that a quarter of the year is already behind us, but there's no escaping the fact that we find ourselves now in the fourth month of the year, so we can just go ahead and put that first quarter right in the bank and lock the door behind it, because it's done and gone. I'm sure the scientists would tell us that the days are getting longer, as we continue to move along in the year, but so far that hasn't translated into any better weather, and this is turning into a year that has seemed colder, for a longer period, than I can remember for quite a while. Speaking just for myself, I'm getting mighty tired of one cold and dreary day followed by yet another cold and dreary day hard on its heels, one after another stretching out in a line like an old newspaper blown down the street. Luckily, this wearying prospect has in no way discouraged the spring flowers from popping up, which they tell me are guided by length of day and not temperature, and they are a cheery sight on the grayest of days. We had our first crocus on March 8 (I always take a picture of the first crocus, so I know when it is) while our first jonquils took until March 28 to appear. By the 30th, we had blue squill along the driveway and even windflowers, while April 1st was not fooling around where the daffodils were concerned, although that seemed early to me. Today after work, I noticed hyacinths in the back yard, in spite of pouring rain and temperatures that were inclement to a fault. Driving around town, there are even hints of very early forsythia in the sunnier locations, and if there's anything more exhilarating than its sunny yellow radiance, I don't know what it is. Since the government has never implemented my suggestion of mandatory mood-enhancing drugs to get us all through the dark days of winter, at least we can count on the wonderful spring flowers as a tonic for whatever ails you.
Speaking of dark days, a couple of alert readers were quick to send me their thoughts about Daylight Slippery Time, including one (thanks, John!) who pointed out that people wanting to avoid DST need go no further than Arizona, where it is not observed by the state, except on the Navajo Reservation, which is located in parts of three separate states, and that would probably be confusing enough, with or without DST as well. Another chimed in with her own new and improved version:
============================
I never could understand why we have to spring forward during the middle of the night, especially Saturday night! Everyone who knows me, knows that you don't mess with my sleep or my weekend. I can handle turning the clocks back in the fall, although it is such an inconvenience to deal with all the clocks in the house (only one of mine has a reverse). In essence, the hour gained is spent resetting the time……As far as going forward, why not spring forward on a Friday, like 4pm, or any weekday afternoon for that matter. I don't think you'd get too many complaints from workers. In fact, it would be a day to look forward to….You can call my idea “Immodest Proposal #2” Proposal #3 is not to bother at all. We delayed falling back last year and we sprang forward early this year, why must we mess with time at all??????? My mood swings are in constant upheaval as it is! I need gradual change at my age….a minute or two every day is about all I can handle.
============================
That part about leaving work early certainly has an appeal that is notably lacking in the current scenario, that's for sure. Another idea to take some of the sting out of the process, since the government is so gung ho on this concept, I think they should just send teams of people to everybody's house to reset the time on all of their devices twice a year. They could call themselves the Hour Rangers, and have cool uniforms with an hourglass on the front, plus a cape, mask and boots, and change DST from a chore to an adventure. In fact, since they would only be needed on two days of the year, they could have bunches of volunteers sign up for it all over the country, like sidewalk Santa's in December, except of course in Arizona, where they wouldn't be needed. Come to think of it, all of those sidewalk Santa's aren't busy in March and October anyway, I say let's get them on this job, after all, they already have experience wearing a costume.
Speaking of the government, for anyone who grew up with a father like mine, who drummed into their head the old saying, "A pint's a pound the world around," you might be surprised to find, as I was, that this is not so. Of course, everyone knows that I'm no fan of revisionist history, and it seems late in the game to discover after all this time, that this moldy old adage doesn't hold water, or if it does, it's not 16 ounces worth. Oh, I just don't know, I'm so confused, now I really don't know what to believe anymore. Next, they'll be telling me to throw the baby out with the bath water, cry over spilled milk, leap before I look, and put all of my eggs in one basket. (I would count my chickens before they hatch, but that would be a horse of the same color.) For all of you poundage fans out there, we have Bill to thank for the following weighty information:
=================================
Ounces, Pounds and PintsIn current American usage, 8 ounces make a cup, 2 cups make a pint, two pints make a quart, 4 quarts make a gallon. A pint of water weighs a pound.
But in the British empire, it took 20 (fluid) ounces to make an imperial pint, making the Imperial gallon 25% bigger than the American gallon.
Thus, we have the common American claim that "a pint is a pound the world around" pitted against the English statement that "a pint of water weighs a pound and a quarter".
But in England, it got a lot worse, because there were two different ounces! Precious metals and apothecary goods were sold in troy (or apothecary) ounces of 480 grains each, while everything else was traded in avoirdupois ounces of 437.5 grains each. Thus, the comforting fact that an ounce of gold (31.1 grams) weighs more than an ounce of feathers (28.35 grams). On the other hand, the troy pound has only 12 ounces, while the avoirdupois pound has 16 ounces, so a pound of gold (373 grams) weighs LESS than a pound of feathers (454 grams).
=================================
By golly, I may never have a pound of gold to call my own, but it's good to know that an ounce of gold weighs more than an ounce of feathers anyway. So I guess we can all put that in our pipe and smoke it, let the chips fall where they may, rush in where angels fear to tread, lead a horse to water and make him drink, because all bets are off at this pint, I mean, point.
Recently I sent a message to the pastor of my church, which included a bit of the feeble attempts at humor that I am so well known for, and he fired back this unexpected reply:
===========================
Congratulations, we at the Matchbook Cover National You-Too-Can-Be-a-Writer Submit a Writing Sample Review Board have awarded you a full scholarship to next year's writing class!
===========================
It's true that a normal person might not find that particularly amusing, but I can assure you that for the pastor, who is not known for his humor, and that's putting it mildly, this was nothing short of uproarious, believe me.
Meanwhile, on the subject of people you can't trust, I was surprised at the Smart Source flyer that came in with our newspaper, as it usually does on Saturdays. Our friends at Pearle Vision usually have one of their ads on the front, featuring a pretty model in a stylish pair of glasses, which are fitted with clear lenses instead of prescription, so the model's eyes don't look out of proportion or anything. This is their way to convince a vain public, one supposes, that they can wear glasses, and still look fashionable like the model in the picture. (For anyone who believes what they see in advertisements, please contact me about openings in the Hour Rangers, so I can get your size for the costume.) Now I guess it's gotten to the point where they think it's warm enough for us to start thinking ahead to the sunnier days to come, so it must have made sense to them for this week's ad to feature a model wearing a pair of sunglasses rather than regular eyeglasses. I would have no squawk with that, except that instead of having the model wear an actual pair of sunglasses, they obviously edited the picture to make them look like sunglasses, and unnaturally so. The lenses are so completely black, they're not even like the black glasses they would use to give blind people, they're like a solid black plastic spatula. It's not smoky black, or tinted black like real sunglasses, but totally and absolutely opaque black, like a painted black wall. All this would not be enough to get my dander up, heaven knows in these days of no standards, except that the only other thing in the ad besides the model and her black glasses is their slogan, which screams in large letters: "WE WANT YOU TO SEE MORE." Okay, now you're just being silly. The only thing that makes sense for this ad to say is "TAKE OFF YOUR GLASSES," especially if they're solid black like a wall. Honestly, you just can't make this stuff up.
Only other people like me, who are saddled with Windows 2000NT on their computers at work, can understand what happens now when the time changes for DST twice a year. Of course, the software is advanced enough to change the time automatically, unfortunately, it changes it on the OLD dates when DST used to take effect, not when it is nowadays. Every year, I would just wait it out and let it reset to the right time after three weeks or so when it finally got around to it, and in the meantime, just exist in a semi-time warp where my computer was out of sync with the rest of the world that had either sprung ahead or fallen back at the correct moments. This time around, I admit that I caved in and threw in the towel on the whole idea. I went into Control Panel and manually reset the time zone from Eastern Time to Atlantic Time, so along with Nova Scotia and Newfoundland, I could spring ahead an hour and be at the same time as the rest of the local area. It's true that this is the coward's way out, but after all, I'm just an ordinary person, and everyone knows there's really no such thing as super-heroes. Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Say, who is that guy in the cape who's resetting the time on my clocks?
Elle
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 9:04 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home