Fool Proof

Hello World, And so here we find ourselves, like it or not, at the very last weekend in April, believe that or don't, and where does the time go, I ask you that. This was actually an eventful week, especially on Wednesday, which featured not only Earth Day and all of its attendant environmental programs, celebrations, outings and community projects, but also Secretary's Day, where the hard-working backbone of corporate America can be recognized for their unflagging support. Unfortunately, I'm not working anywhere at the moment, so I missed out on the festivities this time around - although truth to tell, even at my old job, the occasion was rather more hit-or-miss than I would have preferred. But I'm thinking that like disreputable boyfriends who break up with their mates right before Christmas or Valentine's Day, so they don't have to buy them gifts, the demand for office temps probably picks up right after Secretary's Day, so the companies don't have to give them roses and lunch. As the saying goes, it's just business, it's not personal. As anyone in the local area can tell you, it can't be denied that the weather in April has been all over the map, from unseasonably warm to unseasonably cold, including pelting rain, gale force winds, fog, blazing sun, and even snow flurries, for heaven's sake - as if whoever is at the controls of the Kremlin's infernal weather machine is just tossing darts at a board from one day to the next, and sometimes, all on the same day, thanks not. Be that as it may, it certainly hasn't slowed down our veritable stampede of spring flowers, always a sure tonic for what ails you, after a long and dismal winter, believe me. Our jolly jonquils and perky violets have just popped open, and even the grape hyacinths have sprung up all over the backyard. The dwarf (firespray) tulips have added their own brilliance to the area, and there's even a couple of regular tulips open along the driveway, which even though I think it's way too early for that, obviously they are of a different opinion on that issue. When I was out taking pictures of daffodils, I found the jaunty bleeding heart just starting to turn pink, and I also stumbled upon the all-but-forgotten checkered lily, still fighting to stake its claim in the ivy patch, and making a valiant effort at it, I don't mind saying. Even the creeping phlox was just on the brink of bursting open, and long after I had given up hope, I finally discovered one last lonely blue squill along the driveway, so they were not all entirely obliterated in the massive porch renovations after all. As if all this wasn't enough, Bill decided that we needed even more of an infusion of riotous color, so he brought home a flat of assorted pansies, and even though they're still sitting in a plastic tray on our front porch, you can see their bright shining faces from anywhere in the neighborhood. And speaking of bright, alert readers may recall that Christmas day here was mild enough that I took a picture of a dandelion in the driveway (and after that, we had the mother and father of all miserable winters, with blizzards, ice, sleet, and piles of relentless snow that we thought would never melt) and almost exactly 4 months later to the day, I saw spring's first dandelion on April 22nd, in almost exactly the same spot. Apparently they are made of sterner stuff, and didn't take Nefarious Airways to Florida for the winter, unlike the rampant alien mutant poison ivy. One day last week it reached a balmy 70 degrees, with brilliant sunshine, and we took the opportunity to open up the windows and storm windows for the first time since the fall of last year. Well, this was news to our new kittens, and you have to believe that they loved that idea, and to say that they considered it the cat's pajamas would not be overstating the case by any means, I can assure you. There were plenty of windows to go around, and a kitten in each one, with every different window offering a new and exciting vista onto the great outdoors, full of sights and sounds that they weren't expecting after being inside all winter. Some of the windows feature what we call Bird TV, where the feeders are hanging, while others provide a view of neighbors' pets and local wildlife parading through our yard, for reasons known only to themselves. You can believe me when I say that this whole experience really made the kittens' day, and then some, and I can tell you that it was no small feat to clear them out later when it suddenly turned cold and blustery, and we had no choice but to close the windows once more, amid vigorous protests and a lot of scowling. I've long since resigned myself to the petitions and press conferences that are sure to follow, although I have always felt that handcuffing themselves to things is just taking it way too far. On a happier note, I re-arranged all of the bird feeders, and had room for one more, so I dug out an old dusty cylinder feeder from the garage, and filled it with thistle seed, hoping that our purple finches would rediscover it when they came back from their winter layover. I was more surprised than anybody when I looked out the window and found a goldfinch on it instead, which is something so rare to our yard as to be unheard of, especially compared with all of the hordes of other birds that our feeders attract. I was going to point out this esteemed visitor to the kittens, but they had already handcuffed themselves to the furniture. On other important matters, we recently received an official looking packet in the mail, with a screaming announcement emblazoned across the front in three different colors: =============================== IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS ENCLOSED FOR ADDRESSEE ONLY =============================== Normally, I would pounce on this type of vital communication, and tear it open to see what crucial information might be carefully secreted inside, but inasmuch as it was addressed to "New Rochelle Resident," that did tend to take a lot of the impact out of the whole thing, and for me personally, cast doubt on the veracity of the sender's assertion that these were, in fact, important documents at all. Of course, they might very well be, for all I know, because I have yet to break into it and find out what documents they thought were so important that they had to rush them directly to me - not to mention, the other 79,445 residents of our fair city who no doubt received exactly the same mailing as we did, and probably on exactly the same day. I suppose it could have been worse, it could have been addressed to "New York Resident," and then I would have been just one out of 19.75 million instead, alas. Now, before April is completely out of here next Thursday, and officially in the books for good, it reminds me that I should mention one of my favorite aspects of the month, which were The Internet's Best April Fools Day Pranks of 2015 - and I can't even say, that were foisted on an unsuspecting public, because like Super Bowl commercials, nowadays everyone expects them and looks forward to them eagerly. So here's a few that tickled my fancy - MS-DOS Mobile: The famous old blue screen with C: prompt and gray letters, for your smart phone or tablet, and just what the doctor ordered. (Dr Welby, that is!) PacMan Google Maps: The gaming world's greatest gobbler chomps his way through obstacles and rewards on the actual streets of your map, rather than random game mazes. T-Mobile Friends & Family Plan: Realizing that most families include more than just parents and children, now you can add your household pets to the data plan of your choice. ELGOOG: Everything on ELGOOG is printed backwards, making search results even more challenging - or should I say, "gnignellahc." ChromeBook Auto Driver: For busy people everywhere, it goes ahead and surfs the web for you, all by itself. Google fiber dial-up mode: Just like the olden days, with speeds up to 56k, so it takes 45 minutes for a 280kb download. Ideal for people with way too much time on their hands, who prefer the leisurely responsiveness of yesteryear's more sluggish computers, compared with today's breakneck pace. Virgin Airlines Paw Door Entry to VIP Lounge: The perfect way for frequent animal flyers to relax with a pre-flight water bowl, rawhide chew, or catnip mouse, among the pampered elite. Normally, here is where I would be saying things like, "This is why the terrorists hate us," and "You can't make this stuff up," but heck, it was all in good fun, nobody got hurt, and everyone had a hearty laugh at no one else's expense - well, except MS-DOS perhaps. The pundits at Virgin Airlines might wonder if their bogus VIP Lounge Paw Entry Door would give our mischievous kittens some ideas to add to their list of demands, but I'm not worried. I've already hidden all of their handcuffs. Elle