Common Cause

Greetings, Mr. & Mrs. America, and all the Ships at Sea: This is the time of year when it comes as a surprise to no one that every other person you meet is either starting to catch a cold, has one right now, or is just getting over one - and I always say, when the germ comes traipsing along that has your name on it, there's nowhere to hide, believe me. It's unusual that Bill and I would both succumb to the current spate of the galloping cruds at the same time, but I can tell you that when it happens, it's no laughing matter, and I ought to know. Fortunately, better minds than mine have long since tackled the humorous side of this most common of ailments, so I will be happy to leave the subject in more capable hands, and take my sniffles back to bed for the duration. Ah-choo! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Check Out These Cold Remedies By Lewis Grizzard The medical community has been excited recently over the discovery that a drug called interferon may be the long-awaited cure for the common cold. I think it is only fitting, however, we remember some of the methods that were used to battle colds in the past. There have been some marvelous remedies - even if most of them didn't work - handed down through the years. My mother once told me when she got a cold her mother put a lot of stuff that smelled badly into a sack and then tied the sack around her neck. They did the same thing, incidentally, to captured prisoners in World War I to make them talk. I, too, have developed remedies for bad colds that I have had. And just in case interferon falls on its runny nose, I thought I would mention a few of them here in case others may want to give my remedies a try. - Ginger ale. I am convinced ginger ale can heal the sick and raise the dead. There is something about its bubbliness and sweet taste that always seems to soothe my scratchy throat and achy head. Ginger ale will work even better if you can get somebody else to bring it to you while you are in the bed. If they will talk baby talk to you while they are serving you the ginger ale, this is even better. "Does my little tiger want some ginger ale for his coldy-woldy?" is the type of phraseology I have in mind. - Sympathy. I don't care what anybody says, the more sympathy you get when you've got a cold, the faster you will recover. It probably won't do any good to call any of your friends looking for sympathy, so the best place to find it is to call your mother. If she says something like: "Does my little tiger have a coldy-woldy?" you can expect to be up and around in no time. - Moaning and whining. These have been two of my favorite cold remedies. What you do is get into the fetal position and moan or whine. A moan and a whine are different. When you moan you make low grunting sounds like "Oooooooh, my God." When you whine, you make sounds like a poodle dog yapping for its dinner. I don't know how to spell what a poodle dog sounds like when it is yapping for its dinner, but you get the idea. Even if nobody is around to hear you moaning and whining, it will still help your cold. If somebody is there to hear, however, that's a lot better. - Old black & white movies. Nothing helps a cold more than lying in bed drinking ginger ale, getting sympathy from somebody while you are moaning and whining, and watching an old black and white movie on television. If Jimmy Stewart, Barbara Stanwyck, Alan Ladd, Victor Mature or Yvonne DeCarlo are in the movie you will probably be well by the next morning. If Ronald Reagan is in the movie, however, you can be flat on your back for weeks. - Chicken soup. This, of course, is the all-time homemade remedy for the common cold. I really don't know if chicken soup works on a cold, but in the immortal words of my mother, who was kind enough to feed me chicken soup when I had a cold rather than tying smelly bags around my neck, "Have you ever heard a hen sneeze?" Think about it. ~ Lewis Grizzard is a columnist with the Atlanta Journal Courtesy of The Gadsden Times, January 31, 1986