Swift Kick

Greetings, Pilgrims! Gobble, gobble and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there in the wide world, near and far, far and wide, here and there, there and back, back and forth, front and back, back to back, from sea to shining sea, and purple mountains majesty above the fruited plains, besides. It's true that Thanksgiving seems to have arrived with its terrible swift sword way too early this time around, but we must all remember that it was President Franklin Roosevelt in 1941 who established the final resting place of the holiday on the 4th Thursday of November (before which, it was a particularly slippery character, skittering haphazardly around the calendar in a wayward fashion) which is usually the last Thursday in the month, except when November has 5 Thursdays in it, like this year. Thanks to the month starting on a Wednesday, the convivial celebration of Turkey Day came almost a week sooner than it might have, no doubt taking many of us by surprise, and throwing the unwary into paroxysms of last-minute chaos, that have been the byword of movable feasts since the dawn of time. (Or to paraphrase the unofficial motto of the Post Office, "the swift completion of their appointed rounds," as it were.) In any event, on behalf of Tom Turkey and his namesake holiday, we call on another Tom to join in the entertainment (or perhaps tomfoolery would be the better word, under the circumstances) and just leave the rest of the tommyrot to every Tom, Dick, and Harry, or know the reason why. Alert readers on social media recently might have noticed a flurry of what are known as Tom Swifties, where a comment is attributed to the hypothetical Tom, paired with a corresponding adverb that, together, will result in a truly deplorable pun - and is not in any way for the faint-hearted, believe me. (My contribution to the linguistic challenge: "But this page is blank," complained Tom, discontentedly.) With that as your guide, Tom and I welcome you to the following compendium of adverbial humor, with an open invitation to pass it along to your unsuspecting compatriots, and feel free to add your own while you're at it. Or in the words of our spokesman, "Tally ho!" cried Tom hoarsely. ~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~ "I can't believe I ate so much pineapple," Tom said dolefully. "The steering wheel won't budge!" Tom cried straightforwardly. "I just adore St. Louis," Tom said archly. "Take the prisoner downstairs," Tom said condescendingly. "Let's go hang out with Greg and Gary!" said Tom gregariously. "I used to be a pilot," Tom explained. "Let's look for another Grail," Tom requested. "I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen. "I think I might be schizophrenic," said Tom, being frank. "You pulled my arm out of its socket," said Tom disjointedly. "I love reading Reader's Digest while eating Campbell's soup," said Tom condensely. "I am going to throw this pumpkin," said Tom smashingly. "It's so dark!" shouted Tom, delightedly. "We're 36,000 feet above Nebraska," Tom plainly stated. "AARRGGHH! I've just been stabbed in the chest," said Tom, half-heartedly. "I like ragged margins," said Tom, without justification. "Where's the attendance roll?" Tom asked listlessly. "I really shouldn't have reached into the corn thresher while it was still running," Tom said off-handedly. "We're trying to run a business here," Tom said firmly. "You're letting the fire go out," said Tom ungratefully. "Get into the back of the boat!" yelled Tom sternly. "Merlot or Zinfandel?" Tom whined. "Just a little whiskey," said Tom wryly. "Seven no-trumps," Tom declared. "My perm came out way too curly," said Tom, looking sheepish. "I know what sex that cat is," said Tom. "What's another name for an elf?" asked Tom impishly. "I'm sterile," said Tom inconceivably. "I have everything a man could want," said Tom needlessly. "I don't want to play cards any more," said Tom wistfully. "I really wish I hadn't dropped that on my foot," Tom said ironically. "Lower the thermostat!" Tom cried hotly. "Behold, the power of the Dark Side," Tom said forcefully. "I can't believe I ate all that hay," Tom said balefully. "I'll sue them for whiplash!" said Tom snidely. (*** You youngsters out there, ask your grandparents about that one.***) "Now I'm really in the soup," said Tom wantonly. "I'm going to tell you a story about a man who never arrived on time," said Tom belatedly. "3.1415926535897932," said Tom piously. "Bartender, give me a martini," Tom said dryly. "They weren't real bullets," Tom said blankly. "Add some grated lemon peel!" Tom said zestfully. "Where's Garfunkel?" Tom asked artlessly. "Yesterday was my last day as an eight-year-old," Tom said benignly. "This is a real pea souper," Tom said foggily. "I just downloaded a quartet on my iPod," Tom said fortunately. "I couldn't eat another banana," Tom said fruitfully. "I really miss the Princess of Monaco," Tom said gracelessly. "I can never remember the words to that song," Tom said humbly. "He just joined the army," Tom said privately. "I'll have the cheap coffee," Tom said instantly. "I'd like two, no, three dozen long stemmed American Beauties, please," Tom said morosely. "I oppose building that half-way house down the street," Tom said nimbly. "Square root of two?" asked Tom irrationally. "I can't play the guitar," complained Tom fretfully. "Now the Star Trek Transporter is a reality," Tom beamed. "My feet hurt," Tom said flatly. "I feel A-1 today," Tom said saucily. "I'll trim the shrubbery tomorrow," Tom hedged. "But ... he's dead," Tom said stiffly. "I never wear boxers," said Tom briefly. "I just got promoted in the army," said Tom disgruntedly. "It's been a mixed season for the team," Tom said winsomely. "...And this reduces to x - x, which is...?" said Tom naughtily. "No daughter of mine is going out dressed like that!" said Tom, a little tartly. "What's this, the outside of a tree?" Tom barked. "What's wrong with worshipping a paper bag?" Tom asked sacrilegiously. "Call a plumber!" Tom piped. "Comb your hair," Tom snarled. "I don't like pictures on my walls," Tom said artlessly. "Pass the Angostura," Tom said bitterly. "I need someone to inspire my art," Tom mused. "This drink needs to be colder," said Tom icily. “I put the tent peg through my foot,” Tom said painstakingly. "Perfect, imperfect, past, future... who cares?" Tom asked tensely. "Don't leave the champagne open," Tom said flatly. "Goodyear or Firestone?" asked Tom tiredly. "Whatever happened to the accusative case?" Tom objected. "It's the Venus de Milo," Tom said disarmingly. "Let's watch 'Snow White'," Tom said happily. And bashfully. And grumpily. And ... "It sounds like an accordion," Tom bellowed. "That's no upright," Tom said grandly. "I can read Braille," Tom said with feeling. "It's Heisenberg," Tom said uncertainly. "I couldn't hit the broad side of a barn," Tom said aimlessly. "It took two tries, but I got all ten pins," Tom said sparingly. "I got her the underwire type," Tom said supportively. "I don't want the small pieces of cheese," Tom said ungratefully. "That fortune teller isn't very good," Tom said unpredictably. "I'll send the SOS again," Tom said remorsefully. "I crushed the grapes," Tom said whinily. "I've received an inheritance," Tom said willingly. "I have no idea who chopped down this tree," said Tom, stumped. "We do it every seven days," Tom said weakly. "The battery goes in the other way around," noted Tom positively. "Those photos didn't come out very well at all," Tom shot back negatively. "I was told it was a seabird," Tom said gullibly. "I'll be asking questions later," Tom said testily. "I broke up with my Chinese girlfriend," Tom said, disoriented. "I've had brain surgery," Tom said open mindedly. "I'm ten years old," Tom said decadently. "That's a lot of electricity," Tom said amply. "I'm afraid!" Tom said discouragedly. "This safety glass isn't very well made," Tom said bad temperedly. "I'm just starting my model T," Tom said crankily. "I'm doing the ironing," Tom said decreasingly. "I can't find my detective game," Tom said cluelessly. "It's the season for giving," Tom said presently. "I just got elected to the U.S. House of Representatives," Tom said incongruously. "OK, I've put on the tourniquet," Tom said staunchly. "Of course I can make a harness out of leather straps," Tom bridled.