Fool Proof

Hello World,     Well, I see that the bright and shiny New Year is certainly charging right along, and no rest for the weary, that's for sure. It seems like 2018 is acting like a harried commuter with a train to catch, and no time to waste, while just dragging all the rest of us along for the ride, ready or not. At least, unlike the frenzied countdown to Christmas, we can take some comfort in knowing that now we're headed in the right direction of longer days and better weather ahead, which is an idea that certainly gets my vote, and I don't mind saying, the sooner the better. Speaking of voting, it reminds me that I was coming home from work last week behind a car with a political sticker in the back window, of the type that generally has the candidate's name and the year of the election, such as [ NADER - 1972 ] only this one said [ ANY COMPETENT ADULT - 2020 ] instead. I thought that was so funny.     And speaking of funny business, it sometimes seems as if an all-out war has been declared on the English language, and you genuinely don't know whether to laugh or cry - and it goes without saying that wailing and gnashing of teeth might not be out of the question either. Our friends at Peoples United Bank sent out brochures to all of their business customers, urging us to sign up for their payroll services, with the inducement that they're "waving the set up fee." (Bye-bye now!) I might have had more confidence in their services if they said "waiving" rather than "waving" in that situation. Meanwhile, in the TV listings for this week, our local newspaper described the Toronto Raptors basketball team as being "on the heals of" the Cleveland Cavaliers (OUCH!) which I am personally whistling down as a technical foul. It makes me wonder if they were stepping on their "tows" as well.     Of course, the AOL Welcome screen has long been recognized as a virtual quagmire of linguistic mishaps, so it was no surprise to see a recent item about stray dogs "scourging" through rubbish for a meal, with the supposition that the word they were so busily scourging for was "scrounging" instead. Then the Real Estate section of our local paper took great pains to describe the historic Knickerbocker-Kilmer House in Dutchess County as having a flat roof "with Victorian brackets supporting the eves." I might have hoped in the Real Estate section, at least they would have appreciated the difference between "eves" and "eaves," but apparently not. They did no better in a concert review of Grace Vanderwaal, where they stated that the singer would often jump or "flair her arms" on stage. I admit that I'm not exactly sure where they were going with that whole idea (although "flail" does spring immediately to mind) but I'm pretty sure it wasn't "flair" in any case. Although a distress flare might not have been such a bad idea, come to think of it.     To be fair, it's not just AOL making an unholy mess of things in social media these days, and not by a long shot. This next irreverent headline comes to us courtesy of the New Rochelle Patch online, although in retrospect, they probably wish it wasn't. [ Former Westchester priest beautified by Vatican. ] The story helpfully included a picture of the saintly personage, and while I would not quarrel with the idea that he could definitely use some beautification, I'm guessing most likely they meant "beatified" instead. And here again, it's true that "beatified" is an arcane and largely unfamiliar term, but heck, if the article that you're doing is about sainthood to begin with, I shouldn't think it would be too much to expect the writer to get the terminology right in the first place, for heaven's sake.     On the political side of things, I noticed a story on Facebook about cities around the region who had decided to "declare themselves save havens." I'm not exactly sure what they're saving in these havens, but I'm not blaming the cities in this instance, since it was probably just an error on the typist's part, dropping "save" where "safe" should have been. That's the only explanation I can come up with for this next untimely notice that Bill received via email for a memorial brick commemoration ceremony: [ Due to the predicted inclement weather, the brick unveiling has been cancelled ] that was sent out a full five days AFTER the ceremony was to have taken place to start with, thanks not. Right now I'm thinking of those poor non-clairvoyant folks without a crystal ball to see into the future when the event was canceled, standing outside in the inclement weather, and wondering what the Sam Hill was a-going on around there with the darned bricks. This is a textbook example of not only saying what you mean, but let's not forget, timing is everything.     And finally, speaking of people not saying what they mean (one hopes!) I couldn't help but notice this arresting post on my Twitter feed, from the pastor of a local Lutheran church that I follow: "I sewed my seed in good soil." Gee, I sure hope not!  I realize that not many people are farmers anymore in these modern times, but anyone who knows anything about the Bible should be aware that they rarely discuss sewing in the Scriptures, compared with "sowing" instead. Alas, I fear that homophones will continue to bedevil us, as long as spell-checkers have no understanding of context, and people persist in using words and phrases that they don't completely understand. Or to paraphrase the immortal plea of the legendary Casey Stengel, "Can't anybody around here speak this language???" Elle