Fab Four

Hello World, HO HO HO!!! At this point, there's just barely enough room to swing a (peppermint) stick, without smacking straight into the fourth and final Sunday of Advent, and we all know what that means, by holly. (Well, with the possible exception of godless Communists and KGB agents monitoring my email, whose name is legion, heaven knows.) Hard upon the heels of Advent wrapping up on Sunday, it will be the jolly old elf himself, bright and early on Monday morning, with happiness and cheerfulness and friendliness for all, as they say. Around here, we managed to send out seasonal cards on a timely basis, but everything else has been very much behind schedule, so much so that passers-by could be forgiven for assuming ours was a domicile for more godless Communists, Buddhists, atheists, or worse. It became even more of an unwanted spectacle, when the neighbors on our north side broke out their holiday panoply in abundance, going whole hog with so many lights all across their front yard that space aliens probably wondered what all the hubbub was about, Bub. Compared to that yuletide extravaganza, our old dark and dreary premises looked even more pitiful and woebegone, as if the hypothetical godless Communists, Buddhists, and atheists had been joined by Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch besides, thanks not. Fortunately, Bill was soon able to carve some time out of his busy schedule to set up some very decorative lights around the porch columns, while I garnished the lions with festive wreaths, and hung up many twinkling window lights from the inside as well. It certainly was a big improvement, although I will say, without arousing any suspicions from the space aliens, which is probably just as well. In other seasonal news, I see that the Druids have come and gone (and you know who you are) and taken their long-awaited winter solstice right along with them on Thursday, marking the official start of winter throughout this hemisphere. That may not necessarily sound like a good thing, but it comes with the added advantage that forthcoming days are all getting incrementally longer as they pass, with earlier sunrises and later sunsets - and right about now, I'm thinking that more daylight is an under-estimated benefit that we can all rally around at this point. After all, there's no sense in being part of a solar system if they're going to skimp on sunlight, because let's face it, we can't just call up another provider and ask for more when we want it. [Note to future self: "New planet with 2 suns might be worth looking into."] In the meantime, we'll have to enjoy the winter holidays as they come, as a way to tide us over until spring, with plenty of that happiness and cheerfulness and friendliness for all, once again. Garcon, more eggnog, if you please! 'Tis the season, after all, so I've been listening to our friends at 106.7 FM in the car with their continuous Christmas music, and it's certainly better than listening to people argue, the way they do now on AM radio instead. ("The fact that there's no proof, only goes to show that the conspiracy is working!") But even with their focus on the holly jolly sounds of the holiday, they do still run the occasional traffic update or news stories, so that we're not all just driving aimlessly about, oblivious to the world around us, and heaven help us. Last week, the announcer read a news report claiming that sports fans whose teams lose, eat about 30% more the following day. At which point, one of the studio personalities wailed, "WE'RE DOOMED!" Upon more sober reflection, however, that might only make sense for those of us here in New York, where the hometown teams appear to have been foisted upon us as some sort of cosmic punishment, by the implacable Fates, or worse. (I admit that I'm having some difficulty laying the blame for this indignity at the hooves of the evil spirit of Affirmed, but frankly, I'm not ruling him out either.) Actually, this sounds more like a diabolical plan from the evil minions at the Snack Foods Association ("Another interception?! Let me at those Twinkies!!!") and once again, just because there's no proof, only goes to show how well the conspiracy is working. Meanwhile, our local newspaper (their motto: "Whatevs ... ") recently ran a big front-page story about safety rankings for Hudson Valley hospitals, from our friends at Leapfrog, a national watchdog organization that publicly rates patient safety and medical quality in healthcare institutions. Of the 16 hospitals listed for the region, none received an A rating, 4 received a B, there were 11 C's among the sorry remnant, and only one ignominious failure received a D, out of the entire area. Yes, health fans, it was indeed Ye Olde House o' Quacks, the Employer of Last Resort in our fair city, where I toiled slavishly for over 2 decades, in an obviously misguided attempt at making the world a better place. I seem to recall that upon publishing this report in the newspaper, there was a huge outcry from a clamoring public to bring back the Purchasing secretary and turn things around to their former glory days once again, like the proverbial phoenix rising from the even more proverbial ashes, and it would take nothing less than the superhuman skills of this Superhero Secretary to conquer the wrong-doers in the name of truth, justice, and the American way. (Leaping tall buildings in a single bound along the way, it goes without saying.) On second thought, it's possible that may have been just a hallucination on my part, and in spite of their dismal ranking, there was no wide-ranging hue and cry for a reinstatement of the Purchasing secretary, and more's the pity, I'm sure. Of course, it's only taken them 3 years since I left to sink to a D level, and at this rate, it won't take long for them to get to an F, and then we'll see if my phone doesn't start ringing when they finally come to their senses. After all, it's not like they're being run by the incompetent noodniks in charge of the local sports teams, or anything like that. Say, who let the evil spirit of Affirmed in here? Elle