No Axe To Grind
Hello World,
Happy February! While it doesn't seem possible that January could already be well and truly over, that certainly is the case, as we find ourselves here in February, and I don't mind saying, with nothing to show for it. Why, it seems like only yesterday that the aisles were awash with snowmen and holly berries, everything was on sale, and stores were open at the most ridiculous hours to wrest the last dollar out of frenzied consumers. Now, of course, we've moved past all of that holiday folderol, and even Martin Luther King is a thing of the past, so everyone can finally relax and settle down to some peace and quiet with nothing at all going on, and plenty of it.
Not so fast! It turns out that February is just brimming with seasonal festivities of its own, and so there's no escaping the fact that the celebration caravan continues apace, with no end in sight. In fact, there's so much happening this month, that they had to tack another day on at the end, just to fit it all in. Yes, 2008 will be another Leap Year in our calendar, and like the last one in 2004, always interesting to have around as a change of pace. But that's not all! Order right now, and we'll throw in, absolutely free, this handsome set of high-quality Ginsu knives ..... no, wait a minute, that can't be right. What I mean is that Leap Day isn't the only notable occasion in the offing for this month. Oh no, indeed not. Saturday is Groundhog Day, which according to various old European legends, is when the local groundhog/woodchuck/marmot/ground squirrel (any one of the diverse rodents of the Sciuridae family) comes out of its burrow on Candlemas Day to indicate whether there will be an early spring or six more weeks of winter. Punxsutawney Phil is chief among rodents in this annual climate showdown, still going strong after 120 years at his post, although now he has been joined by the likes of Staten Island Chuck, Dunkirk Dave, French Creek Freddie, Holtsville Hal, Buckeye Chuck, Shubenacadie Sam, Wiarton Willie, Spanish Joe, Malverne Mel and the estimable General Beauregard Lee. This Candlemas stuff is no place for amateurs, that's for sure, so please don't try this at home. Also not for amateurs, of course, the Super Bowl is on Sunday, which is a recent and welcome addition to February, from its previous berth in January, and being the biggest sports event of the entire year, you would think that would be plenty to keep anyone occupied and round out the week all by itself.
Au contraire! (That's French for "Block that kick!") With barely enough time to clean up the champagne from the winning team's locker room, suddenly on Tuesday, it's Mardi Gras, which is the second biggest sports event of the entire year, although in a completely different category of sports altogether. As the day follows the night, the next day can't help but be Ash Wednesday, which ushers in the season of Lent for millions of grouchy Christians the world over. Speaking of grouchy, Wednesday is also Waitangi Day, which our friends at http://www.wikipedia.org/ describe with admirable restraint as " ... the national day of New Zealand. It is a public holiday held each year on February 6 to celebrate the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi, New Zealand's founding document, on that date in 1840." They do a good job of explaining the history behind the event, which is about as dull and incomprehensible as you would expect, but they also don't shy away from the controversial aspects, and there are whole paragraphs describing the annual protests, riots and political skullduggery that have marked the day almost from its inception. In fact, although they didn't mention it, no one will ever convince me that the same people aren't behind this brouhaha that are behind the annual donnybrook known as the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York City, because their fingerprints are all over this mess.
Just about the time that the riots have died down in New Zealand, here is Thursday bringing us the irrepressible Chinese New Year, which in 2008 is the Year of the Rat. Our friends at http://www.infoplease.com/ have this to say about it: "The Chinese year 4706 begins on February 7, 2008. Chinese months are reckoned by the lunar calendar, with each month beginning on the darkest day. New Year festivities traditionally start on the first day of the month and continue until the fifteenth, when the moon is brightest. Those born in Rat years tend to be leaders, pioneers, and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking. Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Samuel L. Jackson, William Shakespeare, and Mozart were all born in the Year of the Rat." I will state for the record that there are no Asians anywhere in my family, and I have no axe to grind, but I will say that ya gotta love the way those Chinese throw a party, and the people in charge of Waitangi Day, Ramadan and the St. Patrick's Day parade could learn a lot from them. Two solid weeks of fun, fireworks, food and frivolity, with costumes, parties, songs and folk dancing, and not a hint of unrest from beginning to end. There's no riots, protests, angry press conferences, lawsuits, SWAT teams or stampeding pilgrims. This is a holiday after my own heart, and it's no wonder that every year, I feel the pull of the Yangtze and the spirit of Mao Tse-tung, as I wish one and all a very happy "Hong Kong Bok Choy!" And for all of you Rats out there (that would be anyone born in 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984 or 1996) get out there and party like it's 4706!
Speaking of heart, the following week is Valentine's Day on the 14th, of course, the highlight of the year for romantics everywhere, and for anyone who isn't, they'd better hurry up and turn into one, or at least pretend to, or that relationship will start looking like the Waitangi Day riots and pretty darned quick. This again is another one of those unfortunate years when Valentine's Day falls in Lent, which is an unhappy juxtaposition that dismays both sides, but especially the confectioners, at the hands of those myriad grouchy Christians who give up candy for Lent. There's no one to blame this on, obviously, except Easter, which is yet another of those movable feasts that rambles all up and down March and April, so you never know from one year to the next when to expect it, and since it's so early this year, it pushes Lent right back with it to early February. I would say that I have a bone to pick with the movable feast schedulers, but that would sound like I have an axe to grind, and heaven knows, I don't.
On the other hand, Bill does. Have an axe, that is. Throwing caution to the wind, and scoffing at the danger, he has been fearlessly using Axe shower gel, entirely heedless of his own personal safety. You may have noticed in their television commercials, the men who use Axe products are routinely and invariably mobbed by crazed and sex-starved super models on all sides, who miraculously appear out of nowhere in droves, even in the middle of the desert, to achieve their unsavory objectives. I haven't seen any super models around here yet, so it's possible that we are down-wind of them, but if they do show up in droves, and it's axe they're after, I'll be happy to turn them loose on my camping firewood, and they can chop all they want.
Since I haven't been going in to work early anymore, I've discovered a curious morning phenomenon in my travels. Unlike 8:00 or 8:30 AM, with its crush of school buses, commuters, soccer moms, delivery vans, taxicabs, garbage trucks, police cars, bicycles and crazy people jogging, if you wait a half-hour, it turns out that you've got the roads pretty much to yourself, at least around here. You can believe me that driving to work at five minutes to 9:00, the world is your oyster, and I have to say, those oysters have got it made. The streets are deserted, the sidewalks are devoid of pedestrians, and you can stop at a traffic light and be the only vehicle in the entire intersection. It's downright lonely out there, and if I had a GPS device in the Escort, I'd probably turn it on, just to have someone to talk to me. Speaking of which, I got this nice note from an alert reader (thanks, Rich!) with international experiences to share:
===================
Bill must have the same GPS lady I have, and certainly she seems to be giving his directions to me, and vice versa. I tried some of the other voices in my GPS. The British lass is nice enough, but having driven on the wrong side of the road for so long, she just can't get her lefts & rights straight. The Italian woman has a very pleasant, if not deeper voice - now if I could just speak Italian. The French woman was downright rude, and although I don't speak a word of French, I could tell that she was mocking all Americans for not being able to find their way around their own country! The Russian, well that's another story. I believe Comrade Sergei is moonlighting, and no matter where I want to go, he directs me to Siberia.
===================
Naive people may scoff about our old pal Comrade Sergei, but you know they always say that the complete lack of proof just goes to show how well the conspiracy is working, and let's face it, those hordes of paranoid conspiracy theorists can't all be wrong. Speaking of people being wrong, I couldn't help but notice this teaser on the AOL Welcome Screen, where they invited me to view what they referred to as a "Sneak Peak" at one of the upcoming Super Bowl TV ads. Frankly, with Arizona being as flat as it is topographically, I can't imagine this being all that much of a "peak" in any sense of the word, so I have the feeling that it may not have been at all what they intended. And while we're on the topic of the Super Bowl, for anyone who couldn't conceive of the day that the Giants would beat the Cowboys in the playoffs, you can only imagine what they thought of them subsequently defeating the Packers, and landing themselves unexpectedly at Glendale in February. Now all that's standing between them and the coveted Vince Lombardi Trophy, unfortunately, would be a little thing known as the undefeated New England Patriots, so to say that the Giants have their work cut out for them would be putting it mildly. Personally, what I'm counting on is whatever combination of bribes, threats and foul play it would take, on the part of the New York and New Jersey mobsters, to bring that trophy back here, because after all, if crime doesn't pay, what's the sense of having all these Mafia families around here in the first place? And while I'd be happy to lend them my hatchet for the cause, everyone knows that I have no axe to grind.
Happy February! While it doesn't seem possible that January could already be well and truly over, that certainly is the case, as we find ourselves here in February, and I don't mind saying, with nothing to show for it. Why, it seems like only yesterday that the aisles were awash with snowmen and holly berries, everything was on sale, and stores were open at the most ridiculous hours to wrest the last dollar out of frenzied consumers. Now, of course, we've moved past all of that holiday folderol, and even Martin Luther King is a thing of the past, so everyone can finally relax and settle down to some peace and quiet with nothing at all going on, and plenty of it.
Not so fast! It turns out that February is just brimming with seasonal festivities of its own, and so there's no escaping the fact that the celebration caravan continues apace, with no end in sight. In fact, there's so much happening this month, that they had to tack another day on at the end, just to fit it all in. Yes, 2008 will be another Leap Year in our calendar, and like the last one in 2004, always interesting to have around as a change of pace. But that's not all! Order right now, and we'll throw in, absolutely free, this handsome set of high-quality Ginsu knives ..... no, wait a minute, that can't be right. What I mean is that Leap Day isn't the only notable occasion in the offing for this month. Oh no, indeed not. Saturday is Groundhog Day, which according to various old European legends, is when the local groundhog/woodchuck/marmot/ground squirrel (any one of the diverse rodents of the Sciuridae family) comes out of its burrow on Candlemas Day to indicate whether there will be an early spring or six more weeks of winter. Punxsutawney Phil is chief among rodents in this annual climate showdown, still going strong after 120 years at his post, although now he has been joined by the likes of Staten Island Chuck, Dunkirk Dave, French Creek Freddie, Holtsville Hal, Buckeye Chuck, Shubenacadie Sam, Wiarton Willie, Spanish Joe, Malverne Mel and the estimable General Beauregard Lee. This Candlemas stuff is no place for amateurs, that's for sure, so please don't try this at home. Also not for amateurs, of course, the Super Bowl is on Sunday, which is a recent and welcome addition to February, from its previous berth in January, and being the biggest sports event of the entire year, you would think that would be plenty to keep anyone occupied and round out the week all by itself.
Au contraire! (That's French for "Block that kick!") With barely enough time to clean up the champagne from the winning team's locker room, suddenly on Tuesday, it's Mardi Gras, which is the second biggest sports event of the entire year, although in a completely different category of sports altogether. As the day follows the night, the next day can't help but be Ash Wednesday, which ushers in the season of Lent for millions of grouchy Christians the world over. Speaking of grouchy, Wednesday is also Waitangi Day, which our friends at http://www.wikipedia.org/ describe with admirable restraint as " ... the national day of New Zealand. It is a public holiday held each year on February 6 to celebrate the signing of the Treaty of Waitangi, New Zealand's founding document, on that date in 1840." They do a good job of explaining the history behind the event, which is about as dull and incomprehensible as you would expect, but they also don't shy away from the controversial aspects, and there are whole paragraphs describing the annual protests, riots and political skullduggery that have marked the day almost from its inception. In fact, although they didn't mention it, no one will ever convince me that the same people aren't behind this brouhaha that are behind the annual donnybrook known as the St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York City, because their fingerprints are all over this mess.
Just about the time that the riots have died down in New Zealand, here is Thursday bringing us the irrepressible Chinese New Year, which in 2008 is the Year of the Rat. Our friends at http://www.infoplease.com/ have this to say about it: "The Chinese year 4706 begins on February 7, 2008. Chinese months are reckoned by the lunar calendar, with each month beginning on the darkest day. New Year festivities traditionally start on the first day of the month and continue until the fifteenth, when the moon is brightest. Those born in Rat years tend to be leaders, pioneers, and conquerors. They are charming, passionate, charismatic, practical and hardworking. Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Samuel L. Jackson, William Shakespeare, and Mozart were all born in the Year of the Rat." I will state for the record that there are no Asians anywhere in my family, and I have no axe to grind, but I will say that ya gotta love the way those Chinese throw a party, and the people in charge of Waitangi Day, Ramadan and the St. Patrick's Day parade could learn a lot from them. Two solid weeks of fun, fireworks, food and frivolity, with costumes, parties, songs and folk dancing, and not a hint of unrest from beginning to end. There's no riots, protests, angry press conferences, lawsuits, SWAT teams or stampeding pilgrims. This is a holiday after my own heart, and it's no wonder that every year, I feel the pull of the Yangtze and the spirit of Mao Tse-tung, as I wish one and all a very happy "Hong Kong Bok Choy!" And for all of you Rats out there (that would be anyone born in 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984 or 1996) get out there and party like it's 4706!
Speaking of heart, the following week is Valentine's Day on the 14th, of course, the highlight of the year for romantics everywhere, and for anyone who isn't, they'd better hurry up and turn into one, or at least pretend to, or that relationship will start looking like the Waitangi Day riots and pretty darned quick. This again is another one of those unfortunate years when Valentine's Day falls in Lent, which is an unhappy juxtaposition that dismays both sides, but especially the confectioners, at the hands of those myriad grouchy Christians who give up candy for Lent. There's no one to blame this on, obviously, except Easter, which is yet another of those movable feasts that rambles all up and down March and April, so you never know from one year to the next when to expect it, and since it's so early this year, it pushes Lent right back with it to early February. I would say that I have a bone to pick with the movable feast schedulers, but that would sound like I have an axe to grind, and heaven knows, I don't.
On the other hand, Bill does. Have an axe, that is. Throwing caution to the wind, and scoffing at the danger, he has been fearlessly using Axe shower gel, entirely heedless of his own personal safety. You may have noticed in their television commercials, the men who use Axe products are routinely and invariably mobbed by crazed and sex-starved super models on all sides, who miraculously appear out of nowhere in droves, even in the middle of the desert, to achieve their unsavory objectives. I haven't seen any super models around here yet, so it's possible that we are down-wind of them, but if they do show up in droves, and it's axe they're after, I'll be happy to turn them loose on my camping firewood, and they can chop all they want.
Since I haven't been going in to work early anymore, I've discovered a curious morning phenomenon in my travels. Unlike 8:00 or 8:30 AM, with its crush of school buses, commuters, soccer moms, delivery vans, taxicabs, garbage trucks, police cars, bicycles and crazy people jogging, if you wait a half-hour, it turns out that you've got the roads pretty much to yourself, at least around here. You can believe me that driving to work at five minutes to 9:00, the world is your oyster, and I have to say, those oysters have got it made. The streets are deserted, the sidewalks are devoid of pedestrians, and you can stop at a traffic light and be the only vehicle in the entire intersection. It's downright lonely out there, and if I had a GPS device in the Escort, I'd probably turn it on, just to have someone to talk to me. Speaking of which, I got this nice note from an alert reader (thanks, Rich!) with international experiences to share:
===================
Bill must have the same GPS lady I have, and certainly she seems to be giving his directions to me, and vice versa. I tried some of the other voices in my GPS. The British lass is nice enough, but having driven on the wrong side of the road for so long, she just can't get her lefts & rights straight. The Italian woman has a very pleasant, if not deeper voice - now if I could just speak Italian. The French woman was downright rude, and although I don't speak a word of French, I could tell that she was mocking all Americans for not being able to find their way around their own country! The Russian, well that's another story. I believe Comrade Sergei is moonlighting, and no matter where I want to go, he directs me to Siberia.
===================
Naive people may scoff about our old pal Comrade Sergei, but you know they always say that the complete lack of proof just goes to show how well the conspiracy is working, and let's face it, those hordes of paranoid conspiracy theorists can't all be wrong. Speaking of people being wrong, I couldn't help but notice this teaser on the AOL Welcome Screen, where they invited me to view what they referred to as a "Sneak Peak" at one of the upcoming Super Bowl TV ads. Frankly, with Arizona being as flat as it is topographically, I can't imagine this being all that much of a "peak" in any sense of the word, so I have the feeling that it may not have been at all what they intended. And while we're on the topic of the Super Bowl, for anyone who couldn't conceive of the day that the Giants would beat the Cowboys in the playoffs, you can only imagine what they thought of them subsequently defeating the Packers, and landing themselves unexpectedly at Glendale in February. Now all that's standing between them and the coveted Vince Lombardi Trophy, unfortunately, would be a little thing known as the undefeated New England Patriots, so to say that the Giants have their work cut out for them would be putting it mildly. Personally, what I'm counting on is whatever combination of bribes, threats and foul play it would take, on the part of the New York and New Jersey mobsters, to bring that trophy back here, because after all, if crime doesn't pay, what's the sense of having all these Mafia families around here in the first place? And while I'd be happy to lend them my hatchet for the cause, everyone knows that I have no axe to grind.
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 12:49 PM
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