Teacher's Pet
Hello World,
Independence Day greetings to you! Here is the day that Americans across this great land of ours take time out to celebrate our colonial forebears tossing off the yoke of their English oppressors, and forging a new republic based on the revolutionary concept of Park, Atlantic and Boardwalk. Wait a minute, that can't be right, those are street names in the game of Monopoly. I've got it, it was the revolutionary concept of Tinkers, Evers and Chance. No, that can't be right either, they were a famous double-play combination in baseball history. Let's see now, I think it was the revolutionary concept of Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato, and I'm pretty sure the pursuit of pickles was in there somewhere. Somehow that doesn't sound quite right either, although I'm sure it was a rather revolutionary concept for the new republic, but to be honest, if the concept wasn't Moe, Larry and Curly, I've kind of run out of ideas at this point. Oh well, it will probably come to me sooner or later, and when it does, you can be sure that I'll be right up there cheering with the rest of the patriots, because when it comes to being revolutionary, you can count on me lock, stock and barrel, as well as hook, line and sinker. Not to mention, hickory, dickory and doc, by golly.
If today was July 4th (and unless our old pal Comrade Sergei has been here with his infernal date machine again, I have every reason to believe that it was) then you can be sure that our flag brigade was up early and putting the flags out upstairs and downstairs, lending a star-spangled touch to the property, and striping up the neighborhood in fine style. It's true that it wasn't much of a day for flag flying, as summer days go, and the weather was warm but unpredictable all day. There was some sun, but it was interspersed with occasional sprinkles on and off throughout the holiday. Normally, we can count on the flag brigade to take the flags back inside when it rains, but this was hardly rain to speak of, and I figured if I could be outside doing yard work in it, there was no reason the flags couldn't stay out as well. It didn't start raining in earnest until after dinner, and by then, the flags had long since come inside for their requisite activity of terrorizing the cats, who continue to behave as if they've never seen a flag before in their entire lives, no matter how many times we do this exact same thing. I would say this was a learning process, except that they never seem to learn anything from it. I tell you, those old dogs weren't just whistling Dixie when they said that you can't teach an old cat new tricks, and I ought to know.
Speaking of old teaching and new tricks, I seem to be the last person in the whole wide world to find out that making your own character name is apparently an idea that has long pre-dated the computer age, and everyone else already seems to know all about it except me. Thanks to many alert readers from all over, I now know a bunch of things that I never knew before, and never realized what I was missing out on. Bill was the first to set me straight:
===================
I know you have a "thing" about names so I'm surprised that you even considered changing your porn name like that. The rules for a porn name are extremely traditional and have been in place for many years (at least 5.) You are Rinnie Blackstone because it's the name of your first pet plus the street you lived on as a kid. (Of course, that means you can't do girl-on-girl-on-girl incest porn with your sisters because they'd all have the same name. Though I suppose it would save on typesetting and porno makers are never too good at doing the credits in the first place.) So that makes me -
Bootsie 40
(Nobody said it worked WELL)
===================
Well, I guess the lesson here is that everyone in the same family cannot go into a career in porn, because it would just cause too much confusion. I will say that one funny thing about trying to find your porno name in AOL 9.0 is that, well, you can't. Apparently AOL 9.0 has a feature called "Safe Search" and when you ask it to locate a site where you can find your porno name, instead it explains to you that it can't do that, because in Safe Search, all porn sites are blocked from the results. Now, a random name generator that creates your porno name is not technically a porn site, but AOL is not getting on that slippery slope of moral relativism, by golly, and you can just go wash your mouth out with soap as far as they're concerned, and don't bother asking them again. I had to sign off AOL and sign back on using Internet Explorer, and they've obviously got no moral standards whatsoever, because they'll find you all the porn and pimp names you want, all day long, and couldn't care less about protecting your virtue. I thought that was so funny.
After that, another alert reader offered this edifying tidbit:
======================
And, using my own childhood's way of determining your Movie Star Name, whereby you link your middle name to the street you grew up on, I am yours truly,Christine Bennett
======================
Of course, I'm very grateful to everyone who took the time to pass along these notes and instructions, but I have to say that I still prefer the random name generators and the results I already came up with, and while it may be late in the game for me to embark on a career in porn, you can be sure that I'd rather go in as Lana Quickie than Rinnie Blackstone, and I'll bet my G-string on that.
Meanwhile, just when you think that there's nothing else they can teach us in this tired old world, along come our friends at www.oneplusyou.com and please feel free to visit their web site and see for yourself. You can take any number of their interesting tests, and discover things about yourself that you might never have considered before, or at least I would hope not. To find out How Geek Are You, you can take their quiz to determine how much geek is coursing through your veins. I was not equal to the challenge, and found that I am only 21% Geek, and even that is probably a stretch. In a time test of How Many Countries Can You Name in Five Minutes, I came up with 48, which I thought was pretty good, but they pointed out that I left out about 225 more, so they were less than impressed with my results. After that humbling experience, I didn't dare try to find out How Many Colors Can You Name in Five Minutes, and probably just as well. I thought I did pretty good at How Many Five-Year-Olds Could You Take in a Fight, and while I'm no Chuck Norris, I was satisfied with 12, especially for my age and size and lack of martial arts experience. But I really bombed out on the Moon Survival Challenge, where you have to prioritize a list of supplies after crash-landing on the moon, and according to the NASA guidelines, I got a big fat F with only 12% of my list in the correct order of priority. (Well, my apologies to NASA, but I'm not going anywhere without my MP3 player and digital camera!) A colleague who took some of the tests assured me, "I am only 57% likely to eat my friends ..." in their quiz about cannibalism after a plane crash in the wilderness, which he found encouraging, although I preferred to take a pass on that whole test, no thank you very much not. I'm not sure it was all that much better to find out What Are Your Chances of Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse, and come up with the result of 40%, and that was after admitting that I would strand my loved ones and save myself, as well as summarily destroy people I knew who had turned into zombies, so that was a sobering thought. I suppose what we can learn from this is that you should take me along with you to fight a bunch of five-year-olds, but I'm not much good surviving on the moon or fending off the undead. I think it's important to play to your strengths, so now we know. Of course, I didn't tell them that I'm really The Violet Vixen, and that might have made a big difference in my results, not to mention, Tiny "Two Fists" Bambino and Sweet Chocolate Lady Quick. And I don't mind saying, I wouldn't care for the zombies' chances all that much against the Psycho Crocodile, and don't even get me started on the five-year-olds. Heck, that'll teach them a lesson, by golly.
Independence Day greetings to you! Here is the day that Americans across this great land of ours take time out to celebrate our colonial forebears tossing off the yoke of their English oppressors, and forging a new republic based on the revolutionary concept of Park, Atlantic and Boardwalk. Wait a minute, that can't be right, those are street names in the game of Monopoly. I've got it, it was the revolutionary concept of Tinkers, Evers and Chance. No, that can't be right either, they were a famous double-play combination in baseball history. Let's see now, I think it was the revolutionary concept of Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato, and I'm pretty sure the pursuit of pickles was in there somewhere. Somehow that doesn't sound quite right either, although I'm sure it was a rather revolutionary concept for the new republic, but to be honest, if the concept wasn't Moe, Larry and Curly, I've kind of run out of ideas at this point. Oh well, it will probably come to me sooner or later, and when it does, you can be sure that I'll be right up there cheering with the rest of the patriots, because when it comes to being revolutionary, you can count on me lock, stock and barrel, as well as hook, line and sinker. Not to mention, hickory, dickory and doc, by golly.
If today was July 4th (and unless our old pal Comrade Sergei has been here with his infernal date machine again, I have every reason to believe that it was) then you can be sure that our flag brigade was up early and putting the flags out upstairs and downstairs, lending a star-spangled touch to the property, and striping up the neighborhood in fine style. It's true that it wasn't much of a day for flag flying, as summer days go, and the weather was warm but unpredictable all day. There was some sun, but it was interspersed with occasional sprinkles on and off throughout the holiday. Normally, we can count on the flag brigade to take the flags back inside when it rains, but this was hardly rain to speak of, and I figured if I could be outside doing yard work in it, there was no reason the flags couldn't stay out as well. It didn't start raining in earnest until after dinner, and by then, the flags had long since come inside for their requisite activity of terrorizing the cats, who continue to behave as if they've never seen a flag before in their entire lives, no matter how many times we do this exact same thing. I would say this was a learning process, except that they never seem to learn anything from it. I tell you, those old dogs weren't just whistling Dixie when they said that you can't teach an old cat new tricks, and I ought to know.
Speaking of old teaching and new tricks, I seem to be the last person in the whole wide world to find out that making your own character name is apparently an idea that has long pre-dated the computer age, and everyone else already seems to know all about it except me. Thanks to many alert readers from all over, I now know a bunch of things that I never knew before, and never realized what I was missing out on. Bill was the first to set me straight:
===================
I know you have a "thing" about names so I'm surprised that you even considered changing your porn name like that. The rules for a porn name are extremely traditional and have been in place for many years (at least 5.) You are Rinnie Blackstone because it's the name of your first pet plus the street you lived on as a kid. (Of course, that means you can't do girl-on-girl-on-girl incest porn with your sisters because they'd all have the same name. Though I suppose it would save on typesetting and porno makers are never too good at doing the credits in the first place.) So that makes me -
Bootsie 40
(Nobody said it worked WELL)
===================
Well, I guess the lesson here is that everyone in the same family cannot go into a career in porn, because it would just cause too much confusion. I will say that one funny thing about trying to find your porno name in AOL 9.0 is that, well, you can't. Apparently AOL 9.0 has a feature called "Safe Search" and when you ask it to locate a site where you can find your porno name, instead it explains to you that it can't do that, because in Safe Search, all porn sites are blocked from the results. Now, a random name generator that creates your porno name is not technically a porn site, but AOL is not getting on that slippery slope of moral relativism, by golly, and you can just go wash your mouth out with soap as far as they're concerned, and don't bother asking them again. I had to sign off AOL and sign back on using Internet Explorer, and they've obviously got no moral standards whatsoever, because they'll find you all the porn and pimp names you want, all day long, and couldn't care less about protecting your virtue. I thought that was so funny.
After that, another alert reader offered this edifying tidbit:
======================
And, using my own childhood's way of determining your Movie Star Name, whereby you link your middle name to the street you grew up on, I am yours truly,Christine Bennett
======================
Of course, I'm very grateful to everyone who took the time to pass along these notes and instructions, but I have to say that I still prefer the random name generators and the results I already came up with, and while it may be late in the game for me to embark on a career in porn, you can be sure that I'd rather go in as Lana Quickie than Rinnie Blackstone, and I'll bet my G-string on that.
Meanwhile, just when you think that there's nothing else they can teach us in this tired old world, along come our friends at www.oneplusyou.com and please feel free to visit their web site and see for yourself. You can take any number of their interesting tests, and discover things about yourself that you might never have considered before, or at least I would hope not. To find out How Geek Are You, you can take their quiz to determine how much geek is coursing through your veins. I was not equal to the challenge, and found that I am only 21% Geek, and even that is probably a stretch. In a time test of How Many Countries Can You Name in Five Minutes, I came up with 48, which I thought was pretty good, but they pointed out that I left out about 225 more, so they were less than impressed with my results. After that humbling experience, I didn't dare try to find out How Many Colors Can You Name in Five Minutes, and probably just as well. I thought I did pretty good at How Many Five-Year-Olds Could You Take in a Fight, and while I'm no Chuck Norris, I was satisfied with 12, especially for my age and size and lack of martial arts experience. But I really bombed out on the Moon Survival Challenge, where you have to prioritize a list of supplies after crash-landing on the moon, and according to the NASA guidelines, I got a big fat F with only 12% of my list in the correct order of priority. (Well, my apologies to NASA, but I'm not going anywhere without my MP3 player and digital camera!) A colleague who took some of the tests assured me, "I am only 57% likely to eat my friends ..." in their quiz about cannibalism after a plane crash in the wilderness, which he found encouraging, although I preferred to take a pass on that whole test, no thank you very much not. I'm not sure it was all that much better to find out What Are Your Chances of Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse, and come up with the result of 40%, and that was after admitting that I would strand my loved ones and save myself, as well as summarily destroy people I knew who had turned into zombies, so that was a sobering thought. I suppose what we can learn from this is that you should take me along with you to fight a bunch of five-year-olds, but I'm not much good surviving on the moon or fending off the undead. I think it's important to play to your strengths, so now we know. Of course, I didn't tell them that I'm really The Violet Vixen, and that might have made a big difference in my results, not to mention, Tiny "Two Fists" Bambino and Sweet Chocolate Lady Quick. And I don't mind saying, I wouldn't care for the zombies' chances all that much against the Psycho Crocodile, and don't even get me started on the five-year-olds. Heck, that'll teach them a lesson, by golly.
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 8:23 PM
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