Bosom Buddy
Hello World,
Happy Memorial Day weekend! I hope that everyone is going to enjoy a rip-snortin', rootin'-tootin', double-barrel, star-spangled holiday, with all the stops pulled out and don't spare the horses, by golly. And while the Holiday Police may disagree, by and large, there's no wrong way to celebrate Memorial Day, so whatever you may have planned in the way of parades, barbecues, beaches, shopping, sight-seeing, hammocks, casinos, beer, amusement parks or sports, you should be right on target for a holiday to remember. Of course, somewhere amidst the fun and frivolity, we should all take a moment to remember those individuals whose sacrifices have made it all possible, and that's not just the lemonade and watermelon talking, believe me.
This may not be true everywhere, but around here, it's certainly been a bad week for newspapers, and that's putting it mildly. It all began when they ran a full-page ad with this blaring headline in one inch letters, as if aliens had landed from space or something: MOM GETS RAPID RELIEF FROM NEW JOINT PILL THAT WORKS IN JUST 3 DAYS! Obviously, there must be people somewhere who would consider it "rapid" if they got relief in three days, but I'm thinking, not necessarily if they were drowning, or trapped in a burning building, where the concept of "rapid" would take on a whole new interpretation. If you called 911 and asked them to send an ambulance in an emergency, which didn't get there for three days, I doubt if you would applaud their "rapid" service, especially since you probably could have crawled on your hands and knees to the hospital yourself in that time, even if you were injured. And a city that provided "rapid transit" that got people to their destinations in three days would find this idea had extremely limited appeal for the general riding public, except perhaps for homeless people, or others waiting for their joint pills to kick in. That headline could have been just as effective with either "rapid" or "3 days," but putting both of them in there at the same time created a hopeless oxymoron that it could not recover from. And while I can't technically blame the newspaper for that ad copy, it turned out to be just a portent of things to come.
Next up were two stories about local finances, on what I would call a slow news day, with front-page headlines in even larger type, as if the United States had declared war on some other country, like France or something. The first was the county government up in arms because the board at Westchester Community College approved raises for its staff, and because the county uses over $20 million of taxpayer money to fund the college in the first place, they insist that the college board requires county approval for any pay raises. A county spokesperson snarled: " ... the college thinks that they can take the money that we give them and spend it any old way. And we don't feel that that's the case." For its part, the college disagrees, as the president retorted testily: "It's just a difference of opinion," adding that the college's interpretation "has been supported by SUNY legal counsel." Since the county government had already scrapped their own raises due to the economic crisis, they described the pay raises at WCC as "insensitive," and I don't mind saying, with good reason.
It was on that same page, and right next to the WCC story, and also in large letters, this headline might lead you to believe "TAXPAYER FATIGUE PROMPTING SCHOOL CUTS," with a sub-head that mentions layoffs and austerity. Then it goes on for five paragraphs about school budgets this year calling for eliminating positions, pay cuts, layoffs, spending freezes and cutting back on special programs. It hammers home the specter of the foundering economy, while asserting that taxpayers have been pushed as far as they can go, and no further. I have no squawk with any of this, until it gets to that last paragraph, which actually says, and apparently without irony: "The result is that spending for the 2009-2010 school year is proposed to rise at an average of just under 2 per cent in Westchester and Putnam counties. Many schools are boasting plans that are the tightest in at least a decade, with a handful ... even looking at spending decreases." Now, this is what you call going from "news" to "blather," because after that 5-paragraph build-up of how the bad economy is making schools cut back, having budget INCREASES in the last paragraph simply doesn't make any sense, and turns this into a non-story, which should have been told from a different perspective. If all of the schools were going to have increased budgets anyway, except for that pitiful handful, then the whole opening needed to point in that direction, rather than starting off going one way, and having that kind of O. Henry twist at the end for no reason. Primarily, both of these stories highlight just how insular and out of touch the upper echelons can get, even in the fields of scholastic endeavor, where you would think they would know better, so that even the insular and out of touch cretins in the county government are offended by it.
It didn't get any better at the end of the week, with their story about reduced recreation plans for Memorial Day weekend, because of increased travel costs. AAA predicts that travel in the tri-state area will be 3.4 percent lower than it was last year, despite incentives like cheaper airfares, hotels and car rentals. The article surmises that more people will relax with backyard barbecues, time with family and taking in a parade. It goes on to quote the spokesperson for the Automobile Club of New York, who actually says this for attribution: "There are people that are still employed that are worried, they're holding their cards close to the vest, and are hanging on to their duckets," which I'm pretty sure doesn't even mean anything. (In fact, if anyone at the newspaper had a spell-checker, God forbid, they would have realized that "duckets" isn't even a word, and just because someone uses it in a sentence, doesn't mean you should print it in the paper, for heaven's sake.) It would be too much to hope that anyone would have noticed the "close to the vest" idiom was being misused badly in that context, where I suppose we should have been glad to get out of there in one piece and still hanging on to our duckets, whatever they might be.
In other local news, and I've seen this twice so far, so it must be news, just when we thought it was safe to get back on the roads, here is a new development to watch out for. For the second time, I have found myself coming home from work behind a car that is sporting a "bumper buddy" (and please do feel free to go visit their web site at www.bumperbuddy.com and see for yourself) which appears to be a fabric sort of covering for the rear end of your car. Presumably, it protects the bumper from dings and scratches, or perhaps fanatic promoters who slap their bumper stickers on unsuspecting vehicles to advertise their wares. Actually, I don't have any idea what it's supposed to do, since it doesn't say, and from behind, seems to serve only as a roving advertisement for our friends at bumper buddy. So for all of you fans of over-dressed cars, who feel that a nude ride is a rude ride, now you can outfit your vehicle with a bra on the front and a sort of diaper for the back, and welcome to it. As for me, the first 4-door silver doorstop with a spoiler that I see wearing a bra and a bumper buddy, well, I'm afraid that I will not be responsible for my actions.
In the even more local area, we finally had a few days this week that were warm enough that I didn't worry about the bird baths freezing overnight, and it must be said that the spring flowers loved it. We had buttercups springing up everywhere in jaunty clumps, spreading sunny yellow all over the yard. The violets and wild strawberries burst out at the same time, and looking very jolly, while the lamium was a sea of color, even in the shadiest spots. The star flowers are always a welcome sight, and the phlox look as good as they smell, and you tend to find both cropping up in the most unexpected places from where they were originally planted. Last year, I had chopped a lot of invasive vines out of our ivy patch, and perhaps that is why this is the first year that I remember noticing that the neighbors have planted spirea on top of their rock wall, and its delicate white flowers are a joy to behold. Speaking of the new and improved ivy patch, the beleaguered Thorndale ivy is making a comeback, slowly but surely, after years of being overrun with foreign invasives that choked off its access to sunlight and water, until there was practically nothing left of it. The ubiquitous porcelain berry has been practically nonexistent so far, while the honeysuckle and poison ivy have been behaving themselves in a manageable fashion for the first time that I can ever remember. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I was in the ivy patch and pulling poison ivy vines out of our yew with both hands, and stuffing it into trash cans, and never even got a rash from it, unlike usually, when I can get a rash just thinking about it. That certainly doesn't sound like the rampant mutant alien poison ivy that we've all come to know and detest, that's for sure.
Last year, when I knew that I had to take the time and make a concerted effort to clean up the yard, I started on the front yard because parts of it were so overgrown that it looked like nobody lived here. I finally got the worst offenders more under control, reining in scraggly bushes and reclaiming flower beds, so that it does actually look like people live here, albeit lazy people with bad landscaping skills. At long last, I felt that I had done enough to get the front yard shipshape, and could move on to the backyard, which had been badly neglected, and not only looked like nobody lived here, but also that no one had ever lived here. Along the back fence where the neighbor's wall had collapsed, it was so overrun with weedy saplings, bushes and vines that it could have sheltered not only a herd of elephants, but an entire documentary crew filming them, and no one would be the wiser. I couldn't help but be struck with the thought that it's amazing how fast things grow when you don't want them to, in stark contrast to how difficult it is to grow the things that you do want. I suppose the secret is to change what you want to what you have, and if my heart's desire was wild rosebushes, poison ivy, dandelions and porcelain berry, I'd be the happiest person I know. I might even describe them as a bumper crop, but then someone would probably come along and put a bumper sticker on them, and the next thing you know, they'd be wearing a bumper buddy. With my luck, it would turn out to be more of a bosom buddy, and they'd all be wearing a bra instead. I won't say that I'm worried, but you can be sure that I'll be holding my cards close to the vest, and hanging on to my duckets, just in case.
Elle
Happy Memorial Day weekend! I hope that everyone is going to enjoy a rip-snortin', rootin'-tootin', double-barrel, star-spangled holiday, with all the stops pulled out and don't spare the horses, by golly. And while the Holiday Police may disagree, by and large, there's no wrong way to celebrate Memorial Day, so whatever you may have planned in the way of parades, barbecues, beaches, shopping, sight-seeing, hammocks, casinos, beer, amusement parks or sports, you should be right on target for a holiday to remember. Of course, somewhere amidst the fun and frivolity, we should all take a moment to remember those individuals whose sacrifices have made it all possible, and that's not just the lemonade and watermelon talking, believe me.
This may not be true everywhere, but around here, it's certainly been a bad week for newspapers, and that's putting it mildly. It all began when they ran a full-page ad with this blaring headline in one inch letters, as if aliens had landed from space or something: MOM GETS RAPID RELIEF FROM NEW JOINT PILL THAT WORKS IN JUST 3 DAYS! Obviously, there must be people somewhere who would consider it "rapid" if they got relief in three days, but I'm thinking, not necessarily if they were drowning, or trapped in a burning building, where the concept of "rapid" would take on a whole new interpretation. If you called 911 and asked them to send an ambulance in an emergency, which didn't get there for three days, I doubt if you would applaud their "rapid" service, especially since you probably could have crawled on your hands and knees to the hospital yourself in that time, even if you were injured. And a city that provided "rapid transit" that got people to their destinations in three days would find this idea had extremely limited appeal for the general riding public, except perhaps for homeless people, or others waiting for their joint pills to kick in. That headline could have been just as effective with either "rapid" or "3 days," but putting both of them in there at the same time created a hopeless oxymoron that it could not recover from. And while I can't technically blame the newspaper for that ad copy, it turned out to be just a portent of things to come.
Next up were two stories about local finances, on what I would call a slow news day, with front-page headlines in even larger type, as if the United States had declared war on some other country, like France or something. The first was the county government up in arms because the board at Westchester Community College approved raises for its staff, and because the county uses over $20 million of taxpayer money to fund the college in the first place, they insist that the college board requires county approval for any pay raises. A county spokesperson snarled: " ... the college thinks that they can take the money that we give them and spend it any old way. And we don't feel that that's the case." For its part, the college disagrees, as the president retorted testily: "It's just a difference of opinion," adding that the college's interpretation "has been supported by SUNY legal counsel." Since the county government had already scrapped their own raises due to the economic crisis, they described the pay raises at WCC as "insensitive," and I don't mind saying, with good reason.
It was on that same page, and right next to the WCC story, and also in large letters, this headline might lead you to believe "TAXPAYER FATIGUE PROMPTING SCHOOL CUTS," with a sub-head that mentions layoffs and austerity. Then it goes on for five paragraphs about school budgets this year calling for eliminating positions, pay cuts, layoffs, spending freezes and cutting back on special programs. It hammers home the specter of the foundering economy, while asserting that taxpayers have been pushed as far as they can go, and no further. I have no squawk with any of this, until it gets to that last paragraph, which actually says, and apparently without irony: "The result is that spending for the 2009-2010 school year is proposed to rise at an average of just under 2 per cent in Westchester and Putnam counties. Many schools are boasting plans that are the tightest in at least a decade, with a handful ... even looking at spending decreases." Now, this is what you call going from "news" to "blather," because after that 5-paragraph build-up of how the bad economy is making schools cut back, having budget INCREASES in the last paragraph simply doesn't make any sense, and turns this into a non-story, which should have been told from a different perspective. If all of the schools were going to have increased budgets anyway, except for that pitiful handful, then the whole opening needed to point in that direction, rather than starting off going one way, and having that kind of O. Henry twist at the end for no reason. Primarily, both of these stories highlight just how insular and out of touch the upper echelons can get, even in the fields of scholastic endeavor, where you would think they would know better, so that even the insular and out of touch cretins in the county government are offended by it.
It didn't get any better at the end of the week, with their story about reduced recreation plans for Memorial Day weekend, because of increased travel costs. AAA predicts that travel in the tri-state area will be 3.4 percent lower than it was last year, despite incentives like cheaper airfares, hotels and car rentals. The article surmises that more people will relax with backyard barbecues, time with family and taking in a parade. It goes on to quote the spokesperson for the Automobile Club of New York, who actually says this for attribution: "There are people that are still employed that are worried, they're holding their cards close to the vest, and are hanging on to their duckets," which I'm pretty sure doesn't even mean anything. (In fact, if anyone at the newspaper had a spell-checker, God forbid, they would have realized that "duckets" isn't even a word, and just because someone uses it in a sentence, doesn't mean you should print it in the paper, for heaven's sake.) It would be too much to hope that anyone would have noticed the "close to the vest" idiom was being misused badly in that context, where I suppose we should have been glad to get out of there in one piece and still hanging on to our duckets, whatever they might be.
In other local news, and I've seen this twice so far, so it must be news, just when we thought it was safe to get back on the roads, here is a new development to watch out for. For the second time, I have found myself coming home from work behind a car that is sporting a "bumper buddy" (and please do feel free to go visit their web site at www.bumperbuddy.com and see for yourself) which appears to be a fabric sort of covering for the rear end of your car. Presumably, it protects the bumper from dings and scratches, or perhaps fanatic promoters who slap their bumper stickers on unsuspecting vehicles to advertise their wares. Actually, I don't have any idea what it's supposed to do, since it doesn't say, and from behind, seems to serve only as a roving advertisement for our friends at bumper buddy. So for all of you fans of over-dressed cars, who feel that a nude ride is a rude ride, now you can outfit your vehicle with a bra on the front and a sort of diaper for the back, and welcome to it. As for me, the first 4-door silver doorstop with a spoiler that I see wearing a bra and a bumper buddy, well, I'm afraid that I will not be responsible for my actions.
In the even more local area, we finally had a few days this week that were warm enough that I didn't worry about the bird baths freezing overnight, and it must be said that the spring flowers loved it. We had buttercups springing up everywhere in jaunty clumps, spreading sunny yellow all over the yard. The violets and wild strawberries burst out at the same time, and looking very jolly, while the lamium was a sea of color, even in the shadiest spots. The star flowers are always a welcome sight, and the phlox look as good as they smell, and you tend to find both cropping up in the most unexpected places from where they were originally planted. Last year, I had chopped a lot of invasive vines out of our ivy patch, and perhaps that is why this is the first year that I remember noticing that the neighbors have planted spirea on top of their rock wall, and its delicate white flowers are a joy to behold. Speaking of the new and improved ivy patch, the beleaguered Thorndale ivy is making a comeback, slowly but surely, after years of being overrun with foreign invasives that choked off its access to sunlight and water, until there was practically nothing left of it. The ubiquitous porcelain berry has been practically nonexistent so far, while the honeysuckle and poison ivy have been behaving themselves in a manageable fashion for the first time that I can ever remember. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I was in the ivy patch and pulling poison ivy vines out of our yew with both hands, and stuffing it into trash cans, and never even got a rash from it, unlike usually, when I can get a rash just thinking about it. That certainly doesn't sound like the rampant mutant alien poison ivy that we've all come to know and detest, that's for sure.
Last year, when I knew that I had to take the time and make a concerted effort to clean up the yard, I started on the front yard because parts of it were so overgrown that it looked like nobody lived here. I finally got the worst offenders more under control, reining in scraggly bushes and reclaiming flower beds, so that it does actually look like people live here, albeit lazy people with bad landscaping skills. At long last, I felt that I had done enough to get the front yard shipshape, and could move on to the backyard, which had been badly neglected, and not only looked like nobody lived here, but also that no one had ever lived here. Along the back fence where the neighbor's wall had collapsed, it was so overrun with weedy saplings, bushes and vines that it could have sheltered not only a herd of elephants, but an entire documentary crew filming them, and no one would be the wiser. I couldn't help but be struck with the thought that it's amazing how fast things grow when you don't want them to, in stark contrast to how difficult it is to grow the things that you do want. I suppose the secret is to change what you want to what you have, and if my heart's desire was wild rosebushes, poison ivy, dandelions and porcelain berry, I'd be the happiest person I know. I might even describe them as a bumper crop, but then someone would probably come along and put a bumper sticker on them, and the next thing you know, they'd be wearing a bumper buddy. With my luck, it would turn out to be more of a bosom buddy, and they'd all be wearing a bra instead. I won't say that I'm worried, but you can be sure that I'll be holding my cards close to the vest, and hanging on to my duckets, just in case.
Elle
posted by El Tango Fandango @ 9:34 PM
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