In The Dog House

Hello World, Happy (almost) Halloween! Monday will be the time for the ghouls and goblins to put in their annual appearance, although in communities where they have Halloween parades, parties, or festivals, they have long since started with those events, weeks ago. A normal person might find that sort of thing alarming, but I'm sure we've all long since gotten acclimatized to much worse, alas. Bill and I were at the supermarket last week, where I was surprised to find myself standing in front of a huge display of Halloween candy, which was right next to a large outcropping of turkey and pilgrim paper plates, cups, and napkins, which was immediately adjacent to a giant pallet full of Christmas wrapping paper. This area essentially covered around 25% of the entire year in about 15 feet of floor space, and reminds us of the absurdity of rampant consumerism run amok, with its attendant "holiday creep" that somehow seems to get worse every year. I expect to see Valentine hearts at any time now, and left-over marshmallow Peeps not far behind. Speaking of old left-overs, the World Series is underway now, featuring the plucky Chicago Cubs making their first appearance in 71 years, and the Cleveland Indians, who have appeared in the Fall Classic six times in the club's 116-year history, winning it all in 1920 and 1948. Honestly, first the Red Sox and now the Cubs - these old baseball curses aren't what they used to be, that's for sure. Also on the sports scene, I heard an announcer on the radio giving the local scores, and while he was at it, he added in this curious tidbit about the percentage of people watching sports who are legally drunk at the time, which is generally considered to be almost 10% or so. He was of the opinion that number sounded high - that is, except for Jets fans (oh, hit that easy target!) wallowing in the anguish of their team's pitiful performance of gridiron ignominy, who should probably be drinking collectively at the rate of 100% after all these years, or even higher, if only mathematics would allow for such a thing. Garcon, more beer goggles, if you please, and step on it! And speaking of things that are high, as it were, this would be a good time to wrap up some loose ends that have unexpectedly all congregated together. Alert readers may recall a previous mention of the Melt Mobile grilled cheese food truck, and WiFi treat dispensers for your pets, as well as the Seattle Barkery, a locally famous food truck for dogs. "But wait," as they say on TV, "that's not all!" Once again thanks to social media, we now know that doting dog owners can indulge man's best friend with Bark Box, a subscription service that you can sign up for, and they deliver the perfect doggie delights right to your door every month. (And please do feel free to go right ahead and visit their web site at www.barkbox.com and see for yourself.) This is straight from the pooch's mouth: [[ A monthly box of dog goodies. Here's how it works. Choose your dog size - Tell us how big your dog's bark is, we've got goodies for every dog size. Every month, we paw-pick fun toys, healthy treats, and innovative gadgets that will drive pups bonkers. ]] Well, that certainly gives the canines a whole new reason to be nice to the mailman for a change, not to mention, something to look forward to while they're waiting for a trip to the doggie food truck. Besides which, no doubt Fido would be pleased to know that every order helps Bark Box support over 3,000 non-profit rescue groups and shelters nationwide, for those less fortunate hounds without a family to splurge on them. For Rover's busy parents on the go, of course there's an app for it, so no need to slow down that tail-wagging delivery service just because you're out of the (dog) house. And finally, also thanks to social media, we learn that there is no lack, across the vast information super-highway in cyberspace, of recipes for healthy treats for your dog. One flavor that is all the rage these days (and no wonder) describes itself as Peanut Butter and Hemp dog treats, with assurances that they are "delicious and super easy to make at home." (Because on top of everything else, all we need is high pets, after all - and I don't need our old friends the dinosaurs in The Peanut Gallery with their exaggerated eye-rolling to substantiate that, by golly.) They go on to elaborate, apparently without irony, "Don't be surprised when they perform tricks without commands." I'll just bet they do! Oh well, if nothing else, it certainly gives new meaning to the phrase "Top Dog," I dare say. Last week, I settled down to watch one of my tiny house shows, where people down-size into small spaces, but soon realized instead of that, the TiVo had inadvertently recorded one of those fix-it-yourself renovation programs on HGTV, this one focusing on a mother and her 4 daughters who bought back their derelict old family home after 30 years. It had been abandoned by the last owners, who had apparently spirited away in the dead of night with their coat-tails flapping behind them, so everything was left just as it was when they flew out of there at a gallop and headed for the hills, so to speak. When the original family came back to repossess it, they were astonished to discover that there were many of their old belongings still hanging about the old place, not just furniture like tables and cabinets, but household items like VHS movies, wall decor, kitchen gadgets, and games. The girls were delighted to find the old dining room table and chairs that they thought were a particular favorite of their mother's, who sadly left them behind for lack of room in the moving van - only to have their mother soundly disabuse them of that sappy notion, and state that she always hated that set and was glad to see it go. The interim owners also neglected to replace the outrageously awful 1950's era kitchen wallpaper (and which the dinosaurs and the rest of us can remember all too well, and don't try to pretend that you don't) with its colorful cascades of grapevines, wishing wells, climbing roses, and tumble-down rock walls scattered all over it) which prompted one of the daughters to observe, "It always made me wonder what were you thinking," while another retorted instead: "What were you drinking?" My favorite part was when the oldest sister complained that The Golden Years presented unwanted challenges, such as, it was not unusual that she could sneeze so hard that it would make her pee. "So, don't make me laugh" she ordered everyone sternly, "because the bathroom doesn't work." I hear you, girlfriend, believe me. Something else that is no laughing matter is a new game that I've been playing on my phone, called Languinis, from our friends at VRTron and Tilting Point, and not for the faint-hearted, I can tell you that. It starts out looking like an ordinary Match-3 game, but you soon realize that it has much more strategy involved, and you've really got to be on your toes. Unlike regular matching games where the matched pieces drop off the board, here they turn into letter tiles that you use to make words using standard Scrabble rules. Each level has its own challenges, such as "Score 10,000 points," "Make 5 matches with blue flowers and 5 matches with red fruits," "Make 6 words that begin with T, or 3 words of 7 letters or more, or within a certain time limit" etc. In addition, there's the occasional level where you have to free the trapped Languinis, which are cute egg-shaped aliens caught in the game board, and it's your job to spring them loose. In order to do that, you must create a conduit for them to reach from the top of the playing surface all the way down to the bottom, where they can pop out to freedom. That's not as easy as it sounds, because first you have to match 3 squares below them, which instead of clearing a space for your captive Languini to slip through, turn into letter tiles, that you then have to craft into some sort of coherent word, in order for the tiles to drop off the board, and blaze a trail for the escaping Languini to follow - and don't forget, do all of this while meeting the challenges of the level to score points or create specific words, and not run out of moves while you're at it. Whew! It would be sort of like playing chess while juggling and trying to avoid being tackled all at the same time, thanks not. It will come as a surprise to nobody that I'm only at Level 24 of Languinis, and not likely to get much further at this rate, and for the poor trapped aliens who are waiting for me to rescue them, well, I'm afraid I have some pretty discouraging news for them. Frankly, this sounds like more of a job for Tom Terrific and his faithful companion, Mighty Manfred the Wonder Dog, but I'm thinking that Manfred would probably have to ease up on the peanut butter and hemp first. Elle