Get Lost

Hello World,     Happy March! I see that the new month has rather precipitously launched itself upon us, ready or not, and one rarely knows what to expect out of the month that is famous for roaring in like a lion and then bowing out like a lamb at the end, one hopes. At the beginning of last week, the rest of the country was being socked by another one of those confounded Winter Storms, this time Riley, with arctic temperatures, gale force winds, and treacherous accumulations of snow - all across the fruited plains, and purple mountains majesty besides, thanks not. It wasn't expected to be as bad once it got here, as it was in other places, but heaven forbid you needed to go to the supermarket or gas station lately, it would not have been worth taking your life in your hands, I can tell you that. In an effort to lighten the mood, one of the radio personalities on the classic rock station was trying to explain a "nor'easter" as the preparations that ancient Viking Norsemen used to undertake in advance of the Easter festival, but this misguided notion was uniformly shouted down in the studio before getting any further along than that, and a good thing too. It's actually reassuring to know that here isn't the only victim of ill-mannered snickering from our old friends the dinosaurs in The Peanut Gallery, and once again, thanks so very much not.     You know it's March when the Winter Olympic Games have wrapped up for good, the athletes have all packed up their medals and gone home, and the words "biathlon," "curling," and "luge" are never uttered by ordinary citizens for another 4 years. By all accounts, this was a disappointing experience for American hopefuls, although one supposes those fewer wins than usual, might have made each one even the more sweet in contrast, perhaps. And of course, the Olympic Village always full of so many diverse and fascinating human interest stories, it really brings the whole wide world right into our living rooms, like a sociology experiment run amok, I dare say. After a while, the entire concept of PyeongChang will have faded from our collective memory like countless locales of Winter Games past, joining the bygone ranks of yesteryear like Lillehammer, Grenoble, Sarajevo, Innsbruck, Albertville, Torino, Sochi, and Sapporo, of all places. (Quick - go point out Nagano on a map!) And while the Olympic torch may have gone out, I'm sure we can count on the true spirit of peace and brotherhood continuing to burn bright from now until the next time around. Ni hao, Beijing 2022!     Speaking of peace and brotherhood, alert readers at the AOL Welcome screen might have noticed a giant screaming pop-up ad from Geico Insurance, encouraging us to take advantage of a free quote from my local Westchester agent, the estimable Weezie Mullaly, of all things. They also helpfully provided a phone number so I could reach the man (or woman) of the hour, and have my insurance needs fulfilled on the veritable spot. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that if I was calling myself anything along the lines of "Weezie" to start with, I doubt that I would have gone into a business of interacting with the public, much less advertising online and sounding for all the world like some sort of ridiculous cartoon character. Weezie, indeed.     Also sounding like cartoon characters, our friends at Stew Leonard's Farm Fresh Foods recently sent us a flyer touting what they described, apparently without irony, as their "All Natural Boneless N.Y. Strip Steaks" for only $7.99 a pound. And while I personally want to believe them when they claim to be "all natural," I'm finding it hard to believe that the bovines in question are naturally boneless, without any outside intervention to make it so. In fact, it begs the question of how the unfortunate critters would even stand up by themselves in the first place, and the mental picture of an entire cattle ranch full of naturally boneless livestock, would make the ill-mannered snickering of our old friends the dinosaurs in The Peanut Gallery pale in comparison, believe me.     And while we're on the topic of things that make no sense, we come face-to-face with a front page news story about the arrest of a suspect from a shooting in Tarrytown. Prior to the arrest, "the shooter was reportedly seen in the area of Larchmont Acres in Mamaroneck" and "the possible sighting prompted the Mamaroneck school district to let students out early from all schools." Excuse me???!!! It seems to me, if the alleged shooter has been spotted out in the community, then just about the safest place for the students is securely inside at the school to begin with - and not just tossing them all out willy-nilly and left entirely to their own devices, on the very streets where the perpetrator has already been seen. In the old days of vaudeville, they would have said about the Mamaroneck school district, "With friends like this, who needs enemies?" Truth to tell, I can't say that I would blame them much, at this point.     In other situations where the supposed experts did not exactly cover themselves with glory, the newspaper also ran a story about flu vaccines, and how difficult it is to match the current vaccine to whatever variation of the disease is presently active around the world. The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases has designated a universal flu vaccine a top priority, but they admit that despite 100 years of science, the flu virus all too often beats our best defenses because it constantly mutates. According to the newspaper, the flu biologists at The Scripps Research Institute put it this way: "We've made some serious inroads into understanding how we can better protect ourselves. Now we have to put that into fruition." (???) Well, I certainly wish the flu biologists better luck with their universal vaccine than with their English idioms, or we're all in for some tough sledding ahead. In fact, I would go so far as to say, that like Stew Leonard's naturally boneless cows, we wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Elle